The Wizraelites: That's twelve straight losses for the long suffering tribe of Unseld. The suffering has grown so severe, it's even starting to bring out human emotions in Gregg Popovich. As told by the AP:
About 15 minutes after his San Antonio Spurs handed the Washington Wizards their 12th straight defeat, Spurs coach Gregg Popovich bumped into his Wizards counterpart, Randy Wittman in the hall. Popovich put his hand on Wittman's shoulder and wished him luck. Wittman will need more than consoling.
I wonder what the AP had in mind. A handgun? Sleeping pills? Access to some place that's really high?

Why hast thou forsaken me?

Unseld's Tribe has been wandering in the winless desert so long, many of them now know no other way of life. Kevin Seraphin tried to deliver manna to his hungry people in the form of 18 points, but the ancient Wizraelites complained that he took 19 shot attempts. He then proclaimed, "looketh upon the bounty of my 7 rebounds", and they cried unto him: "How hast thou brought us this pox of 3 turnovers?" And Seraphin preached of his 4 steals and 2 blocks, and the long wandering Wizraelites awaited their deliverence in the hushed dark.

There are some, such as doubting Thomas, Bradley Beal (4-13), who do not know if they believe in the existence of Victory, having never witnessed it in the NBA.  There are others, such as A(ndrew) J(ohn) Price who kept the flame of his faith lit with 11 points, 5 rebounds, and 7 assists. It's too bad the Wizards don't have Wesley Matthews or Thaddeus Young. They really need all the guys named after apostles they can get. Further depressing the already disturbed morale, Nene's head was served on a silver platter to Salome, after she had danced the dance of the 7 veils (DNP, foot).

The Bulls: The Bucks came back from 27 down to beat the Bulls 93-92. This 1 point victory ended a 9 game losing streak to their generally superior Midwestern rival. The Bulls wasted a big night from the former Phantom of Auburn Hills. Rip had 30. Only 2 games removed from his season high 21 points, Nate Robinson is back to playing under 10 minutes a game.

I'm so glad this pic of Ersan as Kim Jong Il exists

In an odd twist of events, Ilyasova dragged the Broped to victory this time around. Monta and Brandon combined for 16 points on 19 attempts. Ersan recovered from his traumatic weekend, and seemed newly motivated with his best night of the season, 18 points, 6 rebounds, a block and a steal. Unfortunately, since he's been playing so poorly, he only received 22 minutes, the 5th smallest amount of minutes he's had in 12 games. He wasn't the only Buck forward making it happen, John Henson scored 11 points, and Ekpedeme Friday Udoh, who, despite what his name might suggest, was born in Oklahoma, also contributed 11 points, along with 6 rebounds, and 5 blocks, all in about 7 more minutes than Ersan.

Fictional late night hosts: Not every forward participated in this resurgence, as neurotic late-night host Larry Sanders brought up the rear for the Bucks with 2 points in a dozen minutes. We all know Larry can get a little insecure, so other forwards playing well likely caused this case of showbiz jitters.

Both the Cavaliers and the Grizzlies: The league's top team defeated the Cavs by a score of 84 to 78. Moving on...

The Trailblazers, newest fallen Pistons foe: Games can be little universes unto themselves. Damian Lillard, who's scoring nearly 20 points a night, might've entered this game the NBA's top scoring rookie, but by the time he'd missed his first 13 shots, a secret ceremony in David Stern's basement had already confirmed Anthony Davis as the Rookie of the Year. Nobody told Kyle Singler, who played easily his best game yet as a professional. The rookie only missed once on his way to 16 points, 10 rebounds, and 5 assists.

Brandon Knight, playing under the assumption that there's a Sophomore of the Year Award, scored 27 points, and Greg Monroe threw in 20 and 10. A head-scratching 7 players on the Pistons scored in double digits. I'd make fun of the Blazers some more, but the Pistons now are actually 4 of their last 7. So technically, they're on pace with the Knicks.


 


A House Divided: When they're not busy booing rap legends, the fans in Brooklyn are still trying to figure who it is exactly that they're cheering for, especially on nights like this. Hurricane Sandy postponed, but could not stop, this more relevant than ever meeting between cross-something or other-rivals. According to the AP, we are witnessing the Knight's fan-base climbing out of the primordial ooze.
With their fans outnumbering and at times outchanting the Knicks' counterparts for a change, the Nets improved to 7-1 in their new home before a sellout crowd of 17,732 that was more black than blue, just the way the Nets hoped.
It's nice of the uniform colors to warn New York fans; whichever team you chose, it's gonna eventually feel like somebody just kicked your ass. They might've switched which river the Knicks cross when leaving Manhattan Island, but the result remains the same, sloppy basketball and animosity. Yankee-hating Avery Johnson drew on the genteel drawl of a southerly example.
I don't think it's so much of a Duke-North Carolina rivalry yet, but hopefully one day it'll get there.
Maybe more like an inter-squad practice of the '95 Tar Heels. Surprisingly, zombie Stackhouse (14 points) got the better of his former Beer Pong closer Rasheed Wallace. This may have stemmed from their divergent reactions to the reunion. Stackhouse saw Sheed and it made him feel young again, while Sheed saw Stackhouse and spent the rest of the game stewing over that dollar Stackhouse "borrowed" 17 years ago for the UNC gym's vending machines. Of course, both players are young men compared to Kurt Thomas, who was in a Knicks uniform. The Knicks don't actually pay Thomas, but he stays on in an Milton in Office Space capacity, sporadically muttering about burning down the arena. Other super-old-guy Jason Kidd was out with back spasms, which he triggered reaching for a remote to turn-down the overly loud ads during an episode of Matlock.

The Nuggets: I kinda feel responsible for the Nuggets' 2 point loss to the Jazz. I know, it's irrational to think that anything I might've done affected the outcome of a professional sporting event, but such is the intersection of superstition and guilt. When the Kings lost to the Jazz, I wrote:
...a team playing Jamaal Tinsley over 30 minutes has problems, but a team that loses to a team that's busy giving big minutes to the Silver Bullet might as well write the league and asked to be re-assigned to another country...
I've admitted before that I enjoy what the Nuggets bring to the table. I think they have the potential to establish something unique with this squad. And by unique I didn't have in mind them losing to a team that played Jamaal Tinsley thirty-five minutes and eighteen seconds. And by unique, I definitely didn't have in mind-letting Jamaal Tinsley run a Silver Bullet Express Train on them for 15 points and 6 assists, with 3 threes, 2 steal, and 2 blocks!!!  So, by my own rules, one of the teams I had high hopes for now has to be kicked out of the country. I should really stop advocating exile.

The Clippers: Blake Griffin had the worst night of his career and the Clippers ended the Hornets' seven game losing streak. Not even Caron Butler hitting a career high 9 threes could save them. Need I say more?

The Bobcats: I started developing Vertigo trying to calculate how thoroughly the Thunder pulverized Puss & Boots up Ass. After lying on the ground for a while, and swooning briefly into Barbara Bel Geddes arms, the number 45 was settled on. It's fitting, because after this game, the Bobcats need a 45. And by that I mean a record...to listen to while they reach for a 45. And by that I mean the drink Colt 45...which is just to steady their nerves before they reach for another 45. And by that I mean a large gun to blow their collective brains out. So I guess the Bobcats need three 45s. The only good thing the Bobcats did, was score-an easy to snicker at 69 points.

Thanks draftaurajo, for this picture worth a thousand curse words

An anatomy of an ass-kicking follows; squeamish readers be warned, if you've recently eaten, you may want to wait and read this later on an empty stomach. First off, the Bobcats high scorer was named Jeffery. How the fuck are you gonna be an NBA player with the surname of a cartoon giraffe? Michael Jordan's middle name is Jeffrey and he's spent half of his adult life hunting down and killing people who know this. There's a very good chance that now that I've written this Michael Jordan is gonna hunt me down and kill me, and since you've read it, he's gonna find you too. You think Michael Jordan can't get your IP Address? Come on, he's Michael 'Fucking' Jordan, 'Fucking' having officially replaced Jeffrey as his middle name.

Anyway, the former Jeffrey's Jeffery got all hopped-up on a furry walled 10 points, and that was the ONLY double digit positive statistic of any kind for the Proctor and Gamble tested on Pussycats. The only other double digit number any individual Pussy recorded, was the 11 shots Byron Mullens attempted; he made 3. That places the Big B.M. right around the team average of 29%. Kemba was 2 assists and a steal away from a +13 suck differential in 20 minutes. He had the same number of free throws, field goals, points, blocks, rebounds, and threes. Zero. Ramon Sessions felt the icy hand of continuing mediocrity on his shoulder causing him to shoot 1 for 9.

No player on the Thunder could be bothered to attempt 10 shots. The pathetic state of their opponent caused even Russell Westbrook, who usually uses these situations to play Johnny in the Karate Kid, to say "he's had enough" after 8 attempts. Kevin Durant doubled up his 8 attempts, and then some, for 18 points, and after just 26 minutes he was back at the hotel getting a massage while his Kevin Durant Hologram sat on the bench occasionally laughing or cheering. But do you want to really know how big an ass-beating this was? Hasheem 'I was drafted 2nd too' Thabeet played 28 seconds longer than Durant. It gets worse. He also pioneered several new ways to skin a cat, scoring 13 points on 5-6 shooting, and snatching a game high 10 rebounds away from the playful kittens like so many balls of yarn. 

Instead of surpassing their win total from last year, the Bobcats managed to distill every drop of the collective shame that season represents into a single game. The Cat O'Meter rating for this game was...(drumroll, please) those cat cadavers that they probably still force teenagers in Biology class to awkwardly stab at with exacto blades, while coming down from their latest household chemical high.

Lacktion:
Nets-Knicks: Josh Childress fouled somebody in 3 and a half minutes for a +1 suck differential. While teammate, and pioneer in early Radio technology, Mirza Tetovic broadcasted dead air for 71 seconds.
Grizzlies-Cleveland: Tyler Zeller showed the zealotry of a 6:4 Voskuhl.
That's all for now. Sorry, I'm a day behind. Check the Previous Posts at the top of the page, to the right, for more reading material. For instance, Jason just wrote something hilarious about Son of Doc.

9 Comments:
Anonymous Anonymous said...
awesome post glenn...

Blogger Dan B. said...
"Human emotions in Gregg Popovich" is just a fantastic phrase.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
This one was great. Glad bb picked you up!

Blogger stephanie g said...
The Wizraelites sent my sides into low Earth orbit.

Blogger Savio said...
I am glad that there are daily updates, i always read this site and have fun, but now i have a sense that this guy is trying too much... i just can't stand 10 citations on 10 phrases, it looks overcomplicated to me.

I like more Jason style, it's dry and straight to the point.

Anyway, good job guys.

Anonymous Stockton said...
Savio is right... don't overcommplicate things.

Hey Glenn... release your inner Kobe... don't make the extra pass... just shoot the ball!! Most of them will go in... sort of...

Blogger Glenn said...
Thanks everybody, for your patience and your comments. I'm glad I got the Wizraelites joke in before the Wizards finally won. Savio, I'm not sure what you mean by citations. If you feel like explaining further, I could be mindful of that in the future. Thanks for the advice Stockton, but what if I want to be like John Stockton instead?

Blogger Baldwinternet said...
Maybe Savio means all the references to things unrelated to the NBA? Like comparing the Wizards to the the long suffering tribe of Israel who, if you didn't know, became lost and wandered for 40 years with nothing but ancient prophecies to sustain them, all the while being pursued by their enemies, the Cylons.

I don't mind those at all Glenn, I think they're funny and your use of them isn't strained at all. Keep up the good work!

Blogger Barry said...
I love these kinds of posts actually, very funny analogies and whatnot, very creative.

Links to this post:
Create a Link