Hi everybody, and welcome to a special miércoles de Freddy Mercury edition of the Worst of the Night. There was a lot of bawful last night, so I'm gonna jump right in.



The Toronto Raptors: With this loss, Toronto is now 3 and 9, and has a worse record than either the Kings or the Magic. With this win, the Bobcats are now 5 and 0 in games decided within a 4 point margin, and Ramon Sessions is establishing himself as a closer off the bench, having hit big shots in the closing minutes of the Cats last two games. Sessions also inspired/forced Kemba Walker, 8 for 16, to be more economical in his shot selection by throwing up 19 shots, only hitting 5 of them.  

Also missing at least 10 shots for the Bobcats, was Byron Mullens who only converted on 4 of his 14 shots. But as Magical Mr. Mistoffelees and his conjuring cats are learning, you don't need to play very well to beat the Raptors. Andrea "Zuckerman" Bargnani showed once again that he likes to shoot, but doesn't like to do much else; atypically, he made the majority of his shots, but he couldn't hit a potential game winner get a foul called to neuter his whiskered opponent. On the Bobcats' feline performance rating system, the game fell into the ocelot range. An ocelot typically weighs from 20 to 30 lbs and is also known as the dwarf leopard.


These new uniforms are going to be a tough sell in Charlotte

The Philadelphia 76ers: When you can't contain Jannero Pargo's little brother, 28 points, you better keep scoring, and the Philadelphia 76ers, 83 points, couldn't do that either. If these were Roman days, I'm pretty sure the entire team would be executed.

The Detroit Pistons: Speaking of teams that once would've been put to death, the epically bawful battle between the Pistons and the Magic was waged in Orlando and ended in a loss for the pissed-on's. I wrote in anticipation of this abomination that the game would determine, "who the 2nd shittiest team in the league really is". Conflagrations to the Pistons, it's official; having lost twice in a week to the Magic, you are without a doubt the league's 2nd shittiest team. They only made 28 shots in the whole game, a season low in a season already full of lows.

The Orlando Magic: Nobody comes away clean in a game like this. It's not every day a team can win by 16 points with Andrew Nicholson leading them in scoring. Then again, it's not every day a team plays the Detroit Pistons.

I can't believe this picture exists

The New Orleans Hornets: Robin Lopez led the way for the Hornets. Shockingly, they lost. The Hornets have done just that in 3 out of the 4 games they've played without the Big Brow-sy.

Without Anthony Davis patrolling the paint, the Hornets let the Pacers blitz them for 115 points. Two Pacers set career highs. Paul George scored 37 points, 33 in the second half; and Roy Hibbert called up Mos Def, Common, Erykah Badu, Jill Scott, Talib Kweli, ?uestlove, Dead Prez, Kanye West and got the Fugees to reunite for a Dave Chappelle's Block Party. His 11 blocks were a career high and the most in a game for any player this season. They weren't just a typo either, there's actually evidence.



The worst abuse was inflicted on Robin Lopez, who was blocked a highly traumatic 8 times. I guess in addition to having nightmares about Splash Mountain, Robin may be seeing Roy Hibbert when he closes his eyes.

The Wizards: So close but yet so far–the Whiz were only 1 point from a win in overtime, but the game ended the same way all 10 have for them so far, with shame. Additionally painful is the fact that Tickle-Me Korver hit the shot to extend the worst start in franchise history. The 2012-13 Wizards have now become one of only 13 teams to ever start an NBA season 0-10. They are chasing the 2009-10 Nets who started the season 0-18. Is it just me, or does it seem like lately some team is chasing the worst-team-ever title every season?

For a while, it looked like Randy Wittman's knuckle-chewing prayers had been answered in the form of Kevin Seraphin, whose 21 points must have felt like the balm offered to the ancient Hebrews by seraphim at Gilead. Demonstrating to those at hand how the Lord giveth and taketh, Seraphin's baseline jumper brought a sweet censer filled with the scent of victory under his teammates noses; but then Korver hit a three, and Seraphin's final attempt, a long hook shot, drew only air. But even that was not painful enough, apparently.



You can't script a more devastating kick to the nuts. Although, if memory serves correctly, the moment was similar to the original ending of the movie Hoosiers, which at a test-screening infamously almost caused the director David Anspaugh to get torn apart by an angry mob. The situation was only brought under control when Gene Hackman was forced to use a disapproving glare. 

The Broped: It was one of those nights for the Broped, who combined for 28 points on 41 attempts. To put that in perspective, the Admiral attempted 41 shot attempts in a game once, but in the process he was able to score 43 more points than the low-powered motorbike. 

Chris Paul: I was too busy pressing down on my brake pedal yesterday to see the game, but I'm sure I would have found it entertaining to watch the Thunder and the Clippers both score over 110 points and go to overtime.  CP3 however, picked a bad time to have his worst game of the season, 2-14. He might've been able to can get away with that against the Magic, Pistons, and Wizards of the world, but not when Kevin Durant is singeing eyebrows 

The Lenovo stats for this game are fairly odd. Ryan Hollins led the Clippers with a +8, while the Swiss Blade Thabo Sefolosha was the nadir for the Thunder at -4. 

*It pains me to write a WoTN for Chris Paul. While I usually try to maintain a certain level of impartialness, 7 out of 10 of my illegitimate children in Panama are named Cristobal Paul. (The other 3 are named Chrisanna Paul).

ACL Injuries: I don't know why, but there's something particularly poignant about Rose's absence in this loss to the Rockets. Maybe it's because it's so close to Fappiano. Maybe it's the way the title of hottest young guard in the league seems to be forever shifting, or the depressing effects of starting point guard Kirk Hinrich's dreary 4 points, 6 assists, and 4 turnovers. Whatever it is, fuck ACL injuries.

The Bulls other main option at point guard nowadays, Nate Robinson, 21 points on 22 shots in 25 minutes, was clearly inspired and emboldened by the events out Grinnell way.  Nate also went 1 for 7 from downtown. He became the first player to jack up that many shots in under 26 minutes since Russell Westbrook did it last April. 

The Karate Kid theme song plays on loop in Nate's mind

Associated Press-instigating machine: As a part of the media's never ending attempt to turn every team into the '04 Lakers, the boys over at the AP have been quick recently to see if they could shake-up the bug jar in Houston.
James Harden peeked at the television in the Houston Rockets' locker room after their 93-89 victory over the Chicago Bulls and saw Jeremy Lin featured in a car commercial. Lin was noticeably absent from the spotlight at the end of the actual game, following another poor shooting night.
They forgot the part where Harden threw his whiskey filled glass at Lin's image on the TV and stormed out. The Rockets brass should find out if Karl Malone is really considering coming out of retirement.

Me: I picked up Kevin Love for my fantasy team this year, because I figured he'd prove to be a steal once he got back from his hand injury. So far, 34 points and 14 rebounds against the Nuggets, so good; except, I didn't expect his clandestine return and left him sitting on the bench.

Return of the Knick D': Maybe it's the psychic turbulence caused by Mike D'antoni's reappearance, or maybe it's the sudden realization that they have J.R. Smith and Carmelo Anthony. Whatever the reason, the Knicks on Wednesday couldn't slow down holiday traffic. Dallas exploded for 114 points, which is 9 points more than Memphis, their previous highest scoring opponent.

The Trailblazers: Here's a holiday recipe you might enjoy, and yes it is a functional recipe:

27 Point Loss to the Post-Nash Suns Soufflé

Start with greasing the pan with some 40% shooting at room temperature.
Add two tablespoons of grated Jared Jeffries field goal attempts, a Pecorino works well.
 3 tablespoons of buttery Ronnie Price turnovers.
3 flowery tablespoons of Ronnie Price total points.
1 teaspoon of Victor Claver's solitary point mustard, dry.
1/2 a teaspoon of Damian Lillard's assist to turnover ratio garlic powder.
1/8 teaspoon Kosher 'Ronnie Price and Joel Freeland collective shooting' salt.
1 and 1/3 cups of 'Victor Claver's bricked 3 and sole point' milk, hot.
4 large free throw attempt yolks from Batum and Aldridge combined.
6 ounces of shredded sharp Damian Lillard turnovers.
5 total field goals by either Batum or Aldridge egg whites, (or 5 1/2 ounces) plus one tablespoon H2O
59% of a tablespoon 'opponent's field goal percentage' cream of tartar.
 
The Laker D': You can always tell that a serious defensive failure is occurring when the color commentator says, "tell you what, it's all about John Salmons right now." At that moment, Aquaman had all of the Kings' 9 points. The next play further exposed the Lakers d'efensive woes when DeMarcus Cousins made a moving behind the back pass to Tyreke Evans, beguiling Pau Gasol and giving the Purple Paupers their first lead.




The bifurcated Lakers: The Lakers achieved one of those vintage Kobe & some random bench player—the rest of the team dichotomies, which allowed the 2012-13 Kings to beat them by 16 points. Meeks and Mamba went for 53 points on 55% shooting, while the rest of the gang only converted 36% of their matching 36 attempts for 44 points. The 29 total field goal attempts for the Purple and Gold represent the lowest number since the game against Utah that got Mike Brown canned the next day.

Mike D's drug-addled offensive schemes:  You might wonder how the rest of the Lakers scored such a small amount on such a low percentage when they have Dwight 'Pumaman' Howard in their ranks.  The good news is he shot 50%; the bad news is he shot the ball 4 times. I don't know if Pringles still remembers this with all the drugs he's on, but he used to have a player by the name of Amar'e Stoudemire, known affectionately in the Nicaraguan highlands as 'Manos', who averaged close to 17 shots a game in '05, winning him 62 games and a coach of the year in the process. They might want to consider throwing the ball down low from time to time.

MWP took twice as many shot attempts as D12, which doesn't concern his nepenthe dependent coach, who wants him to keep throwing them up. In fact, the offense is designed for Ron Ron to be the team's 3 point specialist. As anybody who's ever groaned through a Snake Eggs three point attempt knows, this is opening up a bag of cats, most of them rabid. This plan of action clearly suggests that Pringles has crossed the line from everyday 'still can operate a forklift' Vicodin use, to abusing the drug at '05 Eminem levels.  

The Brooklyn Nets: The Nets found themselves coming down off a high too, as the effects of that lost weekend they spent playing the Magic are finally beginning to wear off.  Joe Johnson went 5-13 for 13 points, but looked downright efficient next to Deron Williams who scored 9 points on 12 shots. Brook Lopez was their top scorer with 22 points, but he was up to his old 'being 7 feet tall and only grabbing 3 rebounds' tricks again. As a team, they allowed the Warriors to shoot over 50% and almost make half of their threes.

Jason Thompson's face: So now that Dwight has Karl Malone's 'ring-grabbing with the Lakers' technique down pat, along with the Mailman's massive shoulders, he clearly figures he has to continue developing his mentor's killer elbow.


Thompson, who can't win for losing even when he's winningwhich is rarely, both outscored and outrebounded his assailant. But I'm sure that's just a coincidence. 


Lacktion:
Cavaliers-76ers: Lavoy Allen failed to make the 6ers proud with a +2 suck differential in 2 minutes and 20 seconds; teammate Damien Wilkins was unholy with 2 missed shots, one of them blocked, for a +3 suck differential.
Bobcats-Raptors: Hakim Warrick spent 7 minutes and 27 seconds on court with only a +3 suck differential to show for it.
Magic-Pistons: As the sole entry from this race to the bottom, Ish Smith represented the worst of the worst in professional basketball Wednesday, coming within 20 seconds of a 4 trillion for the Magic.
Heat-Bucks: Joel Anthony, whose importance to the Heat seems to shrink daily, threw in a 2 trillion.
Thunder-Clippers: Ronny Turiaf went all Predator on a 2 trillion.
Nuggets-Wolves: Greg Stiemsma took a big fat Cleveland Stiemsmer on his reputation in 4 minutes and 31 seconds for a +1 suck differential.
Suns-Blazers: The force was not with Luke Zeller, and many Ewoks were slaughtered as he bricked his way to a +1 suck differential in 4 minutes of lacktion. 
Warriors-Nets: Charles Jenkins was not in charge of the Warriors with a 1 trillion. Tornike Shengelia flew all the way from Tbilisi for 53 second Mario, and tired boy was wings his. While Tyshawn Taylor, fellow Net and Hoboken native, did it his way for a +1 suck differential. 
Kings-Lakers: Robert Sacre meant mo' than his profane trillion offered at the altar in his pilgrimage to Sacrament-O.
Happy Fapiano! Try not to fill-up on too much cat and pass out at the table like usual.

5 Comments:
Anonymous shrew said...
What happened to the Grinnell post?

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Is it just my computer? How come I can't see older posts anymore?

Blogger Dan B. said...
Anon -- Blogger acts weird sometimes with our site. I have no idea why old posts aren't automatically showing at the bottom. In the meantime they're still linked on the right hand side.

Blogger Glenn said...
Thanks for fielding that one, Dan B. I made a passing reference to the Grinnell game in this post, but clearly there's a desire for more.

Maybe I can write my feelings about it in 108 words but only have 52 of them make any sense.

Blogger NBA cares..... said...
Lakers,never nice anymore.More brick layers nowadays.....Best team now,the Grizz to start.Spot on,great post.

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