The season may be fucked, but it's not too late to join Herman's Hermits

Bynum:  "I think it happened bowling, to be honest,” Bynum said, describing his recent debilitating knee injury, not his inexplicable haircut, to the press. If that's honesty, you might want to try lying, big guy. That is unless you want to offer free bowling passes to disconsolate 6ers fans.

The Philadelphia 76ers: Well, someone had to be the first team to let Detroit get a win. I'm sure that the denizens of Philadelphia are feeling extra-lucky of late.  Greg Monroe was beastly with 19 points, 18 rebounds, and 6 assists. Maybe if he didn't play for the Pistons, somebody other than die-hard fans and fantasy owners would give a damn. Opposing center Kwame Brown didn't seem to; at least, not according to his single lonely rebound in 12 minutes. Spencer Hawes played more minutes, 15, off the bench, but didn't seem to give much of a damn either, 2 rebounds.

The Utah Jazz: It's probably not an actual consolation for the Jazz, but while Deron Williams may be long gone, they do employ the guy who was drafted above him. Marvin Williams didn't discernibly dazzle, 7 points and 2 rebounds.

In addition to paying a guy who was drafted above Chris Paul, the Jazz also pay Mo Williams, who used to occasionally come off the bench for him (when Vinny Del Negro was in a "fuchsia" mood). Mo repaid the Jazz by missing 13 of his 19 shots.

The end result, a loss to the Celtics, was both predictable and strangely merciful, merely 5 points. After the game, several of the Jazz players started a collection to send Jason Terry, 0 for 1, a nice fruit basket and a gift certificate to a decent tattoo parlor.

You don't wanna know where Tommy Heinsohn has been hiding his leprechaun tattoo
   
The Timberwolves: Don't worry T-pups, nobody expected you to beat the mighty Charlotte Bobcats. OK, scratch that, worry. Judging by his quotes, Coach Adelman seems to be in the midst of an existential crisis.
''Down the stretch it was like, 'What are we going to do?''' coach Rick Adelman said. ''Who are we going to go to?''
I know what it's like, coach. The days are getting shorter and colder. Sometimes, you find yourself asking if all the pain and sorrow in the world really has some sort of redeeming meaning or purpose. But buck up, pal. It's not every night that Luke Ridnour is going to shoot the ball 16 times, or Kemba Walker is going to hit a cold-blooded game winner with 0.7 seconds left. Plus, unless Kevin Love gets struck by lightning, which feels increasingly likely, he should get back in time to throw up some meaningless, yet impressive, stats, as you chase a nice position in the lottery.

The Indiana Pacers: This is honestly getting too pathetic to mock. When I point out that the starting point guard missed 9 out of 10 shots, or that the center seems suddenly incapable of scoring 10 points, I feel like I'm laughing at a homeless person who's trying to get some sleep under an overpass. I'm not going to name anybody by name, because that would be like fining a woman $2,500 and putting her name in a national newspaper because her toddler took a leak. Suffice it to say, Tyler Hansbrough, 17 points, thoroughly outplayed all of his teammates in under 20 minutes.

Don't blame me, I told him to stick with Harden

Sam Presti's cat: Here are a few of the night's performances: James Harden 10-20, 30 points; Kevin Martin 1-4, 7 points; Russell Westbrook 6-19, 17 points. Now, I'm not outright accusing Sam Presti of taking these professional frustrations out on the house cat, but a recent survey showed that 28 out of 30 NBA General Managers respond to a rough day at work by kicking the cat. So chances are, once that luxury vehicle pulls into the driveway, it's bad news for kitty.

The Washington Gizzards: The Dallas Mavericks can thank their lucky stars the federal government hasn't banned professional basketball in the nation's capital, yet. The Generals no longer need to share their status as the worst team in basketball with the Pistons. Now, they are all alone in their crapulence.

Robin Lopez: Maybe it's not Robin's fault he only grabbed one rebound for the Hornets in over 20 minutes. He was, after all, still recovering from a particularly scary ride on Splash Mountain.

Thanks for this great picture, Barry

The Miami Heat: I guess Pookie's struggles have become contagious. The Boshstridge-Pookie combination took the same amount of shots as LeBron, 23, but only hit 5 of them while he hit 12. That might would have done the trick against the Clippers before CP3 road into town, but it fell short with Paul doing his thing and both Crawford and Griffin scoring over 20.

The Atlanta Hawks: Say what you will about Joe Johnson, he generally kept Josh Smith from leading the Hawks in shot attempts.  Now that this essential bulwark has crashed into the Atlantic, Smith is attempting over 17 shots a game for his 15 points. Against the Warriors he restrained himself slightly with 16 attempts but only connected with 6 of them. Golden State capitalized.

Lacktion: 
Warriors-Hawks: Johan Petro could have used some more gas against the Warriors, as he inched along to a +2 suck differential in 5 minutes with a turnover and a foul.
Bulls-Suns: Marquis Teague grabbed a Bulls uniform and snuck onto the court for 2 seconds, earning a Super Mario before security took him away for disrupting a professional sporting event.
Mavs-Whiz: Chris Singleton singled himself out on the Wizards for sucking the most in a sea of suck with a +4 suck differential. Meanwhile, Jared Cunningham really let Ron Howard down with a 16 second Mario.
Bucks-Pacers: Doron Lamb of the Bucks was approached by the Pacers with a contract and a pen after cooking up a succulent +6 suck differential in less than 5 minutes.
Cats-Pups: Apparently Cory Higgins didn't get the Cats' "we have dignity now" memo, because he submitted a +2 suck differential in his nearly 3 minutes of lacktion.
Celtics-Jazz: You knew this one was coming, right? Jamaal Tinsley's ability to get an assist abandoned him for 9 minutes, resulting in a +4 suck differential. 
Pistons-76ers: Kim English and Khris Middleton of the Pistons had matching 1 trillions, both in 1 minute and 19 seconds, to go with their matching women's names that start with the letter K.

James Bond will return in From Thursday with lacktion, coming soon to a computer near you. 

1 Comments:
Anonymous JJ said...
"Say what you will about Joe Johnson, he generally kept Josh Smith from leading the Hawks in shot attempts."

This is so true.

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