I know I said I'd post Monday, but there were some picture issues to resolve. Hopefully, however, you find this to be worth the wait:

I present to you our submission from Jason (who's Bawful persona is custom made to adopt the surname of Voorhees, complete with the hockey mask pic and...whatever it was Jason carried around to kill people...This dude may have the stuff. He already has one vote (mine), which fortunately for him is worth 10 (maybe 20)... ...anyway, enjoy this. I laughed out loud several times.

 ET

*******************

 The 2011-2012 NBA Regular Season 

bron holding larry

The abbreviated NBA season has come and gone we (most of the Heat hating public) are left in a rage filled semi daze. The Miami Heat are two days removed from hoisting their second NBA Championship. Lebron has quieted the naysayers (except for most of the Bron hating public), and thousands of Chris Bosh related gifs have launched onto the interwebs. As I write this, I sit alone, in a dimly lit room, hoody pulled overhead, with an empty bottle of Captain Morgan by my side, wondering what went wrong. The bad guys won, justice was not served, and the evil empire has begun their reign of terror on the world.


bron ugly
Pictured: Pure. Fucking. Evil. 

The 2011-2012 NBA season finally began after the new collective bargaining agreement was signed. We fans missed 16 games as the players union and the owners struck out a new deal. During that time players were not allowed access to NBA facilities, spawning YouTube mixes of John Wall and Brandon Jennings crossing over a bunch of no names on blacktops across America. The only thing we had to look forward to were highlights from the Drew League and the occasional yet hilarious Michal Jordan outfit.

 blue jordan
Swag

During the offseason, Mike Brown, Mark Jackson, and Lawrence Frank were hired as head coaches…Yes, that actually happened. Wikipedia confirmed it. In December, Lord Stern famously nixed a three way deal between the Lakers, Hornets, and Rockets that would have sent Chris Paul from the league owned Hornets to the Lakers. In the aftermath, Lamar “The Lamb” Odom was so distraught at the thought of the Lakers trading him, that he…um...demanded a trade. David Stern later sited “Basketball reasons” as to why he canceled the deal.

stern dictator 
 Bow before me 

Christmas rolls around and we are treated to a rematch of last season’s finals. The Dallas Mavericks versus the Miami Heat. Please allow me to vent for a moment. I am a lifelong Maverick fan. I have had to endure years of embarrassments and ridicules as I watch my hometown team get bounced in the first or second round eight times out of eleven years (2001-2011). In 2011 we finally climb that mountain, we overcame that hurdle. The Mavs made one of the more impressive runs in recent memory. Dirk and the little Mavs defeated Lamarcus Aldridge, Andrew Bynum, Pau Gasol, Kobe Bryant, James Harden, Russell Westbrook, Kevin Durant, Chris Bosh, Dwayne Wade, and Lebron James. All while claiming the ultimate prize over the same team that stole it from them five years earlier. It was one of the most beautiful sports moments that I have ever known. An event that will live in my heart forever…And then this guy happened…

Mavericks Lakers Basketball  
If I call everyone stupid, maybe I’ll look smart 

Mark Cuban let Tyson Chandler, Caron Butler, JJ Barea, Deshawn Stevenson, and Corey Brewer all walk away, so that the Mavs could have a chance to acquire Deron Williams and Dwight Howard. By doing so, the Mavs Cuban threw up the white flag without even attempting a title defense. Markey Mark tries to save face by accepting a freshly butt hurt Lamb Odom from the Lakers. FUCK!!! /rant EDIT: I forgot to mention one key free agent that the Mavs managed to resign over the summer.

cardinal  
Don’t worry Mavs fans, I got this one.

The mavericks proceed to get steamrolled by the Heat on opening day, setting up the theme for the rest of the season. Chris Paul eventually made his way to Los Angeles. Only this time it'd be for the other pro basketball team. A team so filled will flubs, follies, and fuck ups, that they could have their own wing in the Bawful Hall O Shame. Blake griffin was seen on video dancing in joy at the news of his newest teammate's pending arrival. Lob City was born. Chris Paul turned the Clippers from joke to contender overnight. Fans, new and old started to pour out of the woodworks. And due to the rise in national TV games, I realized that the corpse of Brian Cook was still in the NBA. In his unofficial rookie season, Blake Griffin was beloved, he could do no wrong. This past season, he has received harsh criticism about his game (rightfully so at times) and honestly, he really does himself no favors. I mean, I didn’t think that Chris Paul would ever have a teammate that could manage out flop him. Not to mention, work the refs the entire game yet hardly see a technical called against him. I submit to you, the many faces of Blake Griffin:

  blakeflop2 blakeflop3 blakeflop5 blakeflop6
smugblake

Jeremy Lin saved the Knicks. Maybe not literally anyway. The Knicks weren’t on a Sacramento Kings-esque brink of leaving town or anything. But he did save the season. As of February 4, 2012 the Knicks were 9-15 and had dropped 11 out of their last 13 games. The two wins coming against the Detroit Pistons and the Charlotte Bobcats. New York’s Big Three didn’t seem to be working out and the only thing bigger than Mike D’Antoni’s teeth were the beads of sweat on this forming on his forehead. After nearly being waived, Lin burst onto the national scene with a 25 point explosion against the Deron Williams and the New Jersey Nets. He followed that up with a 28 point outing against the Jazz, and a 23 point game against the Wizards. Before his game against the Lakers, Kobe Bryant stated “I don’t even know what he’s done” Oooohhh Snap son!!!.... But in fairness I don’t think this was some form of psychological gamesmanship on Kobe’s part. I don’t think he or any of the other Lakers knew a damn thing about him. There’s no way they could have, judging by the way Lin sliced up the defense the way he did. That or Mike Brown is just that bad of a coach…
 
mikeb  
Just play it cool and maybe they won’t realize I don’t really know what I’m doing. 

 After a six game losing streak in March, Mike D. was fired decided to resign as head coach of the Knicks. Seems like not even Linsanity could prevent the looming termination resignation. The only bawful thing about Jeremy Lin’s season was that it had to end so abruptly. (That and the excessive turnovers) News came of a torn meniscus and that was the end of Linsanity, for now anyway. I’ve had the unfortunate fortune of rooting for some truly pathetic Mavericks teams. Particularly during the 90’s. But something should be said for anyone who was a season ticket holder for the Charlotte Bobcats. They should be given some type of award. Or possibly a charitable donation. The Billy Crystal Fund for Fans of Horrible Franchises. Bad, terrible, pathetic. These words just don’t seem to do this team justice. We may need to create a new word. Megasucktastic. Ubershit. Facepalmerific. This team has mastered failure in a way we have never seen before. They’re the MacGyver of failure. When you enter the season as Corey Maggette as your leading scorer, you’re in for some dark days. Not only were the Queen City Kitties losing, they were losing by league leading margins. (-13.9 point differential). Yikes. Btw, can someone please explain to me how Boris Diaw can come into that league playing small forward as a rookie, and then ends up playing center by his 9th season. I know crepes are delicious and all, but geez. Seeing as how all of their suckage didn’t win them the number 1 overall pick in the 2012 draft, I think bawful should bestow them the honor of having their logo enshrined to the collage on the home page.

tyruspain  
WHHYYYY?!?! 

The lockout ended, David Stern flexed his muscles, The Clippers were relevant, We saw a spike in “Lin” related words, and the Bobcats showed us the true meaning of bawful. All in all, this was one of the more memorable NBA regular seasons. Even for the lone fact that we had professional basketball every night. (Excluding all Bobcats, Pistons, Kings, and Wizards games). Stay tuned for my review of the 2011-2012 NBA Playoffs.
40 Comments:
Anonymous Anonymous said...
Booyah !! ^_^

Bawfulness is back bithces

great job Killah!

Blogger Evil Ted said...
I think that was an endorsement, Jason...

Blogger Evil Ted said...
One other thing...I'd like to start a glacial shift of the "pure fucking evil" moniker from LeBron to Dwight Howard - a demolisher and abandoner of teams who will disintegrate whatever organization he ends up going to like a death ray...

Anonymous Stockton said...
Silly season has started (by silly, i mean some GMs), and Atlanta dumped one of the worst contracts in the league to the Nyets (who, although only added johnson to the team, are now contenders).

Can anyone tell me where maggete is going? It's not an offseason without the "Maggette is a key aquisition..." report.

Anonymous Roberto Ortiz said...
Candidate for word of the day: Ubershit

(totally agree on dwight, ET)

Jason has my vote!!

Long Live Bawful

Anonymous jonesy said...
good stuff, enjoyable read!

This is me being quite satisfied after the reading :)

I miss the lacktion report :D

Nicely done, Jason! I look forward to your playoffs post!

Blogger kazam92 said...
I'd elaborate on why I enjoyed this, but I have to take an ubershit

Blogger Ivan said...
Nash to Lakers - did anyone see that one coming?

Anonymous Anonymous said...
The real evil was the OKC team

Blogger Fishy said...
Two thumbs up

Anonymous Anonymous said...
"flubs, follies, and fuck ups" Hahaha I like your style young man, keep it up.

Blogger Barry said...
Does Nash really think that's his biggest chance at a ring? Of course his family is taken into consideration, so there's that, but still.....

Blogger Barry said...
Good stuff though, Jason. I'd like to see some of the paragraphs a little smaller to make it more readable, and starting with a phrase in bold like Bawful did increases that too, but that's nitpicking. Good job!

Blogger Evil Ted said...
Barry,

When I was transferring the text to the blog, a lot of the carriage returns got lost, so the paragraph lengths are probably my fault...

ET

Anonymous Stockton said...
At least Nash didn't go to Miami...

How much time until Dirk demands a trade? I mean... they gave up defending the title because of this year's free agency, and in the end no Deron, no Nash, no Howard... and middle tier west teams are packing up... Suns, Jazz, Rockets should be stronger this season.

The Nyets are kicking a$$... 40M to Wallace... JJ's horrendous contract... to get Dwight they will give away Lopez and Kris Kardashian for sure... it's all the chips on the table, baby!!!!
*AK47 might arrive soon?*

Anonymous JJ said...
Jason, thanks for the post. I see a bawful future ahead for you.

ET, I sorta agree with Howard thing except I think he's even worse than LeBron in some sense. I mean, at least LeBron picked up and left, but Dwight can't even make up his mind. He wants to leave, then signs extension, then wants to be traded. WTF? At least be a consistent douchebag.

Ivan & Barry, I'm stunned to see Nash go to Lakers. He did say money was important to him so I knew he wasn't going to Knicks or Heat. And not Raptors since they suck. But, Lakers?? Nash + Kobe?!?! Wow, Heat wins a championship and the world just goes upside down.

Blogger Wormboy said...
Naaaaaaaassssssshhhhhhhhhhhhh!

God, was there any trade more likely to tear my heart in twain?

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Great post, totally bawful-worthy.

Nash to LAL, terrible move.
Kobe will find a way to ef this up. I guarantee it

Anonymous Bill R. said...
This is pretty damn good.

Anonymous AK Dave said...
Sign this writer and give him a max contract. I'm talkin' Rashard Lewis stupid money.

Thoroughly enjoyable read. Snark, analysis, factual recaps. This guy Jason has a fantastic motor and tremendous upside potential.

Blogger Gonzo said...
Thumbs up!

Anonymous MJ said...
Jason, I Loved it my man! Really solid and enjoyable write-up which reminded me of classic Bawful writing.

Blogger Ivan said...
Also, if the Nets don't get Howard, I can't help but feel they'll essentially be the Hawks 2.0...good for a nice, challenging round two and nothing more...

What an unusual free agency.

Blogger Jason said...
Hey guys,

Thanks for the feedback. I'm glad you liked it. Right now I'm working on my playoff review. I'm sure you all will enjoy it.

Anonymous Frances said...
I just have to echo the congrats on a great post, Jason (you did a terrific job!) and lament on the Steve Nash trade.

The only silver lining is getting to witness the inevitable hilarity of Kobe struggling to cooperate with a guy who will take serious time away from his ball-hogging.

Anonymous Geert said...
Poor Dirk Nowitzki. No Williams, no Howard, no Nash and now no Kidd and Terry anymore.

Stupid Mark Cuban.

Anonymous JJ said...
I can't believe how quickly Mavs went from champs to irrelevant, especially since Mark Cuban acted like he'd do anything for a championship prior to winning one. But, I guess one was enough for him? I thought letting go of Tyson Chandler last year was bad. This year was worse. I'm not even sure if all these are cost-cutting moves. It's more like "let's suck a lot ASAP."

Blogger Wormboy said...
What, does Cuban think he's getting D-Ron and Dwight both? He's crazy!

And Kidd to Knicks? The Carmelo singularity sucks all energy from point guards. Why would a good PG want to go there? No chance of being a contender on a team with Carmelo.

Anonymous Roberto said...
WTF IS DALLAS DOING????

Blogger Evil Ted said...
OK, all, barring a horrific drop off, Jason is pretty much a lock. I'm still lookin for more however...I want a conglomerate of talent that is able to keep this place busy and entertaining.

If you think you can compete on the Jason level, submit something...

I'm currently sifting through other submissions. If you've given me something and I've made suggestions about what to fix, try again. Persistence is an important part of being able to contribute.

ET

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Loved it. Though their was an 8 given from the east block judge for knocking Mark Cuban so shortly after he destroyed Skip "ubershit" Bayless.

Anonymous JJ said...
Heat gets Ray Allen. All he has to do is stand there and shoot a la Mike Miller. And he'll be open way easier than in Boston thanks to LeBron. That's going to be crazy.

Anonymous Stockton said...
Give Jason a Jerome James-like contract!!!!

Blogger Ivan said...
Man, that Howard deal is getting more convoluted by the minute...

Anonymous RS Gold said...
this is an amazing, beautiful, simple and heartfelt video of a great idea. I'm such a fan of your work! I'd take a bite of dessert off a tree any day.

Blogger Squall said...
I can't believe how quickly Mavs went from champs to irrelevant, especially since Mark Cuban acted like he'd do anything for a championship NIKE aIR Max prior to winning one. But, I guess one was enough for him? I thought letting go of Tyson Chandler last year Nfl jerseyS was bad. This year was worse. I'm not even sure if all these are cost-cutting moves. It's more like "let's suck a lot ASAP."

Anonymous nike13 said...
Sign this writer and give him a max contract. I'm talkin' Rashard Lewis stupid money.

Thoroughly enjoyable read. Snark, analysis, factual recaps. This guy Jason has a fantastic motor and tremendous upside potential.

Anonymous isabel marant said...
Jason, thanks for the post. I see a bawful future ahead for you. ET, I sorta agree IsAbeL MaranT BoOTS with Howard thing except I think he's even worse than LeBron in some sense. I mean, at least LeBron picked up and left, but Dwight can't even make up his mind. He wants to leave, then signs extension, then wants to be IsABeL MARanT SHOes traded. WTF? At least be a consistent douchebag. Ivan & Barry, I'm stunned to see Nash go to Lakers. He did say money was important to him so I knew he wasn't going to Knicks or Heat. And not Raptors since they suck. But, Lakers?? Nash + Kobe?!?! Wow, Heat wins a championship and the world just goes upside down.

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