Looking for the latest breaking NBA news? Undoubtedly, then, you favor a reputable national sports network such as ESPN or Yahoo Sports. Allow me to be the first label you a misguided fool. It is those very sources where your news is filtered, homogenized, and censored. You're getting only the information some spin-doctor or PR person wants you to have. That's no way to keep your finger on the pulse of your favorite NBA team.

So where does an inquisitive basketball fan go? Why, straight to your team's Web site, of course. The elements of a team Web site often give you tremendous insight into the inner workings, morale, and self-image that a team has. Sometimes, the raw, unfiltered, usually unintended "secondary message" of a team is hitting you right in the face, and other times, you need to dig a little deeper. If you're persistent, you can always learn something that your other news outlets simply cannot report to you through their traditional means.

Let's begin:

Bulls:


bulls


Simple promotion to get some prep kids to shop with past and present Bulls players, or desperate attempt to find another opportunity to blatantly trot out the 6 Larry O'Briens? The last championship was in 1998, people! Furthermore, is MJ aware you took those out of his house for this photo shoot?

Secondary message: "Enjoy the six we've got, folks, because with all the talk about Derrick Rose winning us another six, we're not holding our breath."

This not only reminds me how Bears fans keep harkening back to 1986 (when they trounced my beloved Pats), but also makes me sad knowing that Tom Brady, Rodney Harrison and the Frozen head of Bob Kraft are going to hold a black-tie cotillion for their three Lombardi trophies in the year 2035.

Onward...

Celtics:


celtics_poll


This is a small, unassuming part of the Celtics home page, but it speaks volumes. This poll should read: "Which of these players will contribute least to a loss so humiliating that you drink far too much at the game, attempt to drive home from the TD Garden, get pulled ovah by a statey on the Mass turnpike, blow a .15, get charged with DUI and ruin your life even worse than it is going to be ruined by having to watch your ancient Celtics die a slow and agonizing death."

But I don't think that would fit into the box.

Secondary message: We're not getting Chris Paul. Prepare for the decline sooner rather than later.

Lakers:


lakers


Oops. Isn't that guy doing charity work in the middle there not on the team anymore?

Secondary message: Somebody in management still can't believe he gave up Lamar Odom for nothing. Either that, or the Webmaster is neglecting his duties to hit the clubs and score a little blow. One or the other.

Kings:



kings


This is a kick-ass splash page, complete with a Hollywood-quality video and everything. It is super-cool and far outdoes the opening page of other teams. You should check it out.

This brings us to the following truism: the predicted talent level of a team has an inverse relationship to the awesomeness of its splash page. In other words...

Secondary message: "Hope you like the splash page, folks. That's all there is. We're the friggin' Sacramento Kings, for God's sake. Did you hear this California team's name getting bandied about with all this free agent posturing? Of course you didn't. Shut up and enjoy the video."


Pacers:



pacers


Guess who the Pacers just spent the rest of their money on?

Secondary message: Shiny new contract, giant double-basketball strong man pose - me thinks someone's due for a letdown year.

Hornets:


hornets


This Web site is nothing BUT Secondary Message: "The only thing we're positive is going to be here on opening day is this basketball." I wouldn't be so sure- the ball doesn't look that happy either.


Knicks:



bibby_getty


Gosh, Mike Bibby looks spry and virile in this picture, doesn't he? Almost makes you think he's going be a solid contributor to the Knicks this year. Then look at the Photo acknowledgment: Getty Images. For those of you not in the know, Getty is a premiere online creator of expensive, visually compelling imagery.

Secondary message: That picture may not only be Photoshopped, God knows what year it's from. In fact, isn't that a Hawks jersey? I guess they figured "Eh, the ball's covering everything but the "KS" part. Nobody'll know the difference...unless, of course, we stream a pic of current Bibby right after it...


bibby_reallife


...Yeah, here's who the Knicks actually got. See that fella who looks like he just wandered to the top of the basement stairs with a Pabst Blue Ribbon in one hand and a remote control in the other? That's him.

76ers:

The Sixers seem to have decided to forego a secondary message altogether, and are unnecessarily rough on themselves on their Web site:


sixers


OK, OK, I might have messed with that one a bit.

Nets:

Were you not aware that Nets Owner Mikhail Prokorov has decided to make a presidential run against Vladimir Putin? Well, a simple visit to the Web site would give you plenty of indication that something very Rocky IV is going on here...


nets_russia


I didn't mess with that graphic at all. I swear...

Anyway, if you're still trying to decipher why Dwight Howard is making such a push to become a Net, just go at it harder, and get a little deeper. That's what she said.


nets_dancers


"Yeah...uhm...pay me whatever...do the girls wear those outfits when they're dancing?"

Heat:


heat


No bells or whistles here. Nothing nearly as impressive as that smokin' Sacramento Kings site (thus proving that whole inverse relationship truism thing). In other words...

Primary Message:
We just signed Shane Battier.
Secondary Message: We just signed m*th*rf**king Shane Battier, and Udonis Haslem will be healthy, beyotches.
Third Message: We're coming. And we're a little more pissed off this time.

Allow me to quietly mope into a dark corner, curl into a fetal position, insert my thumb in my mouth, and prepare for the Heat-ocolypse.

And there you have it folks. All the insider news you could possibly handle, if you just know where to look and how to interpret it. Now find your own Secondary Message and send it on over.

And hey, might as well give you an early Christmas Present video. On my sister site, Lemonwall, I have deposited my video review of the enormously complicated Board game associated with the classic film A Christmas Story. Came out good - not Photoshopped Bibby good, but good.


Enjoy! Click Here and let the fun begin!



A_Christmas_Story-Board_Game

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43 Comments:
Anonymous Anonymous said...
Your posts are too few and far between. I get a big kick outta them when they do come around. You're spot on with this one.

Anonymous Spencer said...
The Cavs website does not even mention Kyrie Irving, let alone have him in a promo. Could have so many meanings.
a) We aren't that excited about our draft either.

b) We're pretty sure Kyrie Irving is gonna pull a Chris Paul in the next two weeks, but unlike with CP3, Stern will let it happen because he hates Dan Gilbert too.

c) Apparently Dan Gilbert really lost on the new CBA because there's no clause in rookie contracts that require players to go out of their way to be associated with their d-bag owner.

d) Don't be fooled by our simple front page - we're still going to suck this year... We just wanted to disprove Evil Ted's inverse correlation theory

Anonymous Stockton said...
Can't wait for those "Miami will get 70 wins this season (they are so awesome they might do it)" or "Warriors and Clippers will make the playoffs easy" preseason predictions

Blogger senormedia said...
Unintentional dirty quote machine (from Celticsblog): "Brandon Bass has more meat where he lacks in inches top to bottom."

Blogger Lord Kerrance said...
ET -- this is a great post, thanks!

No disrespect meant, and sorry if this was answered on a another thread, but...where is Bawful? I don't see any posts from him over the last few months.

Blogger Evil Ted said...
Hi LK - We'll see if I can get the cattle prod out and get bawful out of hiding...perhaps he'll get on track once the season starts.

ET

Anonymous Barry said...
Vince Carter on the Mavs? Somewhere Dirk is crying. As long he's not on your team, it's hilarious.

Blogger Wormboy said...
Battier. Sigh. Now I can't like that guy anymore. And it took a lot for me to like a former Dookie in the first place.

Anonymous mikeyb said...
Ok everyone, here is my official 2011-2012 Detroit Pistons preview, inspired by Evil Ted and created with the Official Detroit Pistons Website:

http://s116.photobucket.com/albums/o10/mikeyb_420/?action=view&current=PistonsPreview.jpg

Blogger mikeyb said...
It seems like the link to photobucket shows a thumbnail size picture, you can try and download it and then open it on your computer or if someone on the board knows of a better way to upload/share an image please let me know :)

Blogger kazam92 said...
I'm in love with Shane Battier's chin.

Blogger Michael Hsu said...
Your wrong ET. If we can turn Carlos Boozer into Dwight Howard by some demonic magic or somehow win games without DRose going at 200% every game then we can win 6 more.

Blogger Evil Ted said...
Mikeyb - The resolution isn't good. Send the jpeg to ted.evil@gmail.com. I need a look.

ET

Anonymous Czernobog said...
@Michael Hsu: Don't be such a fatalist, your guys came very close to the finals last season. You're making them out to be the Atlanta Falcons.

Anonymous Czernobog said...
Edit: Hawks.

Anonymous Rich Muhlach said...
Chris Paul to the Clippers teaming up with Blake Griffin. Are they still the team we thought they were?

Blogger TeamD said...
I think something clicked this season with the clippers.

Blogger DieblerFever said...
So, who thinks the addition of JJ Barea will make the Timberwolves the team to beat this season?

Anonymous JJ said...
Sterling sooooooo doesn't deserve CP3 even for a season. But, I'm erally excited to watch Clippers. God (of NBA, aka Stern) has an interesting sense of humor.

Anonymous Geert said...
Giving up Gordon, who might be the best shooting guard in a few years time, for Paul, who is the best point guard right now but has gimpy knees. Not sure about it. It all comes down to how fast they will find a reliable scorer on the 2-guard position.

Anonymous Sol Orwell said...
Wade: http://sports.yahoo.com/nba/players/3708

Eric Gordon: http://sports.yahoo.com/nba/players/4469

The *only* thing Eric Gordon is superior to Wade in is TOs. Sorry, Eric Gordon is just a middling SG. CP3 from 2011-playoffs is Top 3 in the world.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Yes, Sol. Good thing young players don't develop or anything.
Wade @ age 22: 16.2 ppg, 4ast, 4 rbs, 3,2 tov.
Gordon @ age 22: 22.3 ppg, 4.4ast, 2.4rbs, 2.7 tov.

And I wonder where CP3's fire was during the season. Was he just pulling an Ostertag?

Anonymous Matt said...
@Sol Orwell

Geert didn't say that Gordon was a great SG now. He said that he could be in a few years, at which point he'd be around 26 (which would just about be his prime). At that point Wade would be 33, with a lot of miles on his knees. Assuming that he'll play between 90-100 games a season (including playoffs), Wade will have almost 900 NBA games under his belt by the time he's 33 and it's not like his style of play is conducive to keeping him healthy.

Now, Gordon's GP stats don't show him to be A.C. Green (v 2.0) in the Ironman category, but it's not completely unreasonable, based on his improvement last season, to think that he could be a better shooting guard than Wade in 3-4 years.

Of course, some of that improvement could have been due to playing with Griffin, who was certainly drawing some attention away from Gordon. In NO, it seems like Gordon will be the primary option, so I expect his usage stats to go up, but he'll be drawing a lot more defensive attention, so he might be much less efficient.

Also, Geert's point about Paul wasn't that he wasn't any good (he did say that he was the best point guard right now, after all), but that he has gimpy knees, which points to a potential decline earlier rather than later. I don't think anyone would dispute that. In fact, a cursory glance at Paul's stats would show that they've already declined (although that could be due to outside factors that have nothing to do with him as a player).

Blogger stephanie g said...
What would be more bawful, the Lakers becoming the #2 LA team as everyone jumps the bandwagon or everyone's knees on the Clippers exploding simultaneously and proving the Clipper curse really does exist?

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Just wanted to let you know that Brian Scalabrine is back on Chicago's roster... twice.
And you know it's him, too, since neither one of the Scalabrines got to play, even in a pre-season game.

http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/36/unbenanntmtb.jpg/

Blogger Wormboy said...
@Stephanie: given that the Lakers can be a perennial bawful leader while still being a contender means that anything involving the Lakers becomes bawful. They even export bawful to other teams! And the Clippers, of course, have always been close to the top of bawfulness. So, that makes LA the City of Bawful, where a Clippers-Lakers WCF would be an orgy of bawful equivalent to crossing the bawful streams.

You get me?

Blogger KHayes666 said...
Jeff Green's having heart surgery and will miss the entire season.

Great, so Kendrick Perkins was traded for 2 guys who aren't playing this year...thanks a lot Ainge you stiff.

Blogger Wormboy said...
Yeah, I think the Perk trade can be called a fail.

Anonymous milt palacio said...
From Chuck Klostermann's Grantland article about the triangle-offense: "If you install Michael Jordan or Kobe Bryant into any offense, you'll win 60 games." I'll allow it for MJ but Kobe won 60 games just twice in his career and the one season without the triangle he won 34 games. Just sayin'.

captcha:hatenyle

Blogger tjr said...
What's going on with David West's armpits?

Blogger kaank said...
yeah they're pretty happy, especially kaman: http://www.hornets247.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/new-hornets.jpg

Blogger Japes said...
Is there a bawful fantasy league this year?

Anonymous Stockton said...
No season preview?

Afraid to say the words "Clippers are strong contenders"?

hei, hope all is ok with team bawfull, and let's carry on the good work!!!!

Blogger Japes said...
Actually ya, is it finally time to stop using the phrase: "They are who we thought they were" when referring to the Clippers? Pretty sad day in bawful history.

Blogger Michael Hsu said...
So my friends an I were talking about World Peace and concluded that he has the best name in the NBA. You thought "LEBRON JAMES WITH NO REGARD FOR HUMAN LIFE" was awful how about.

Dwight howard rejects world peace!

World peace has not been effective tonight!

Lebron has stopped World Peace tonight!

World Peace has stopped Carmelo from performing at a high level!

World Peace is starting very slow!

World Peace has run into the stands!

Of course there are a tons more. Can't wait for Shaq on TNT and LA annoucing for WORLD PEACE!

Anonymous Ben said...
I swear to god I am watching NBA TV right now and the bottom ticker just read the "MILWAUKEE BYUCKS".

On purpose or typo?

Anonymous Ben said...
Scratch that, apparently it was just the name Dwight Buycks, woops. I guess I just briefly saw the word Buycks and freaked out. Wishful thinking.

Blogger Wormboy said...
World B. Free was a far better name. Metta is just loony and a bit off target, as usual (except for a certain clutch 3 and a certain clutch board and putback. Gack.)



Look, don't hop on the Clippers bandwagon. Think "Don Sterling" and "Clippers Curse." Chris Paul has a bum knee, how can we expect him to survive a year intact with the Clips. It makes me so sad to think of it.

Anonymous JJ said...
Wormboy, even Red Sox got a championship eventually. I'm not saying Clippers will do so this season, but I'm riding shotgun on that bandwagon.

Blogger BadDave said...
I'm with Wormboy. They are who we think they are.

Anonymous EuroGuy said...
@Michael Hsu:

World Peace ejected
Kobe disavows World Peace
KG can't stand World Peace
Lakers fans disappointed with World Peace

Blogger Bing said...
F&^k World Peace, I hope they keep calling him Artest. Or Crazy Pills.

Anonymous Silvio said...
Clippers are cursed.
That's empirical fact.
Not even Tebowing could help them.

http://tebowing.com/
What is Tebowing?
(vb) to get down on a knee and start praying, even if everyone else around you is doing something completely different.

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