Previous installments: Part 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11. Also check out the official Livin' Large FAQ, Cast List and Flow Chart.

Mat was in a very happy mood this particular week, and with good reason: Shelly was coming for a visit. During our time together, it seemed like Mat had three basic moods. Occasionally, he got pissed about something. That was scary but rare. Most of the time, he stalked around with an air of bored indifference. At least when I saw him, which was almost exclusively in our dorm room. When Mat was happy, you knew it because he would sing. In the room, in the shower, in the hallway on his way to the cafeteria, while sitting in his giant chair watching MTV. He'd usually croon something by Bob Marley, which was as funny a sound as you were likely to hear. I mean, imagine Arnold Schwarzenegger singing reggae and you'll know what I'm talking about.

With Shelly's arrival only a few short days away, Mat was singing all week. Normally, the constant rasta chants would have grated on my nerves, but I actually found his behavior a little endearing. Remember, I was still a sucker back then, so I became filled with hope any time Mat displayed what I considered to be normal human emotions. Shelly brought that out of him, and it made me think maybe he wasn't some big, dumb ogre after all.

Mat was so jolly he took a minute to look out for me. He checked our mailbox one evening and discovered yet another card from Latrisse.. "You need to cut that shit off, man," he said as he handed the card to me.. "Aimee's gonna flip her shit if this don't stop."

I still didn't see the problem with getting cards from Latrisse. Of course, it had progressed a little past that. We were now e-mailing each other every day. We had even "met up" in an Internet chat room. Mind you, Internet chatting back then wasn't what it is today. The "Coffee House" (which is what this particular chat portal was called) used the same VI editor that the e-mail system used. It was basically a big free-for-all with everybody chatting away like mad at the same time. You just had to kind of try and pick out the lines being typed by the person you were chatting with...and it wasn't always easy to do. Still, it was entertaining in a "brand new technology nobody really knows about" kind of way.

Meanwhile, I had only received one e-mail from Aimee: "Hey checking to see if email works - Aimee." I guess you could say I wasn't exactly feeling the love.

Jennifer stayed away that week, probably on Mat's orders. He wasn't taking any chances of Jennifer and Shelly crossing paths. Mat only disappeared for one night during the middle of the week. In his absence, he missed a phone call from one of the assistant coaches of the basketball team. The players had been given a couple days off from practicing, but he was expected to show up for practice at 4 p.m. (one hour earlier than normal) the next day. I took a very careful message and left it on Mat's desk next to his beloved container of animal crackers. I then left a second note with arrows pointing to the first note so he'd realize it was important.

When I got home from working at the food service the next night, Mat was in the room and on the phone apologizing furiously...for missing practice of course. I was chuckling quietly to myself until the end of the conversation, at which point Mat glanced at me and said, "No, coach. You don't need to say anything to him. I'll take care of it. No, it's okay, I'll talk to him. Yeah, I know. Okay, bye."

My eyes narrowed. "Who was that?"

"Coach," he said, referring to the head coach of the mens basketball team. The head coach was pretty famous at our school and even kind of famous away from it too, both because he was a great coach and because he looked like an angry, marauding troll. He also happened to have the worst hair in college basketball, maybe even in the entire world. And that's not hyperbole either.

"Who didn't he need to say anything too?" I asked, suspicion oozing out of my pores.

Matt shrugged. "He wanted to talk to you about not giving me my messages."

"WHAT?"

"I get home until a few minutes ago, so I didn't see your note until I'd already missed practice," Mat said. "Coach was pissed, but I just told him you didn't leave me a message, 'cause we're not supposed to stay out all night. Man, he really wanted to tell you off."

Mat just laughed as I gaped at him. "You're gonna tell him the truth, right? You're gonna tell him you found the message...aren't you?"

"F*** no," he said, waving me off. "It's not a big deal. It probably won't even happen again."

Probably. Great.

That was Mat. He didn't care who got blamed as long as it wasn't him. For some reason, I felt nervous about the fact that my school's head basketball coach wanted to tell me off. I mean, I didn't do anything wrong, so I shouldn't have been in any danger. But rules kept getting bent and broken in Mat's favor, often at my expense. My dorm manager had taught me that lesson all too well. What if the basketball coach got me kicked out of the dorm? Or even out of school? I know it sounds silly, but at that time anything seemed possible.

Shelly arrived on Friday afternoon. I happened to be at the dorm because Friday was a one-class day for me. She burst into the room -- as beautiful and busty as ever -- and jumped into Mat's waiting arms. They didn't waste any time on conversation (unless you count her girly "squee!" conversation) and instead immediately started making out. I left to give them time alone for, you know, whatever. I came back a couple hours later, but the door was locked and barricaded from the inside. That annoyed me a little bit, but I tried to remind myself this was a special occasion.

I tried again after another hour had passed. (I had made the mistake of leaving without either my wallet or my bookbag.) This time the door was unlocked. Shelly was sleeping alone on Mat's bed. He was gone, most likely at practice. Shelly woke up when I came into the room.

"Hey baby," she said in her telltale raspy voice. After stretching and wiping the sleep from her eyes, she said, "Sorry about kicking you out earlier, but Mat and I were really excited to see each other. It's been forever!"

"No problem," I said, trying to play the role of cool roommate guy. "I totally understand."

"You're soooooo sweet. Mat's lucky to have a roommate like you," she said. I knew she was buttering me up, and there was definitely a calculating gleam in her eyes. "So...tell me about how Mat spends his time."

"I'm sorry, what?" I asked, attempting to play dumb even though I knew exactly what she was getting at.

"Oh, you know, like, what does he do when I'm not around?" Her voice was light and playful, but there was an edge to it.

"Well, that's really most of the time isn't it? I mean, since you don't live here and all." Rule Number One of Evasive Conversation: Answer questions with questions and try to redirect.

"Oh, I know that, silly," she said. Her eyes hardened. "You know what I mean. It's just that, there's a lot of time in Mat's life I can't account for."

"Account for?" I asked. I was starting to get really uncomfortable now.

"Well, listen to him tell it," she began, "he spends all his time practicing, going to class and sleeping. Seriously, who goes to bed at 11 or 12 every night? Who needs that much sleep?"

How I kept from laughing I will never know. Going to class? In bed by midnight? She could not be talking about my roommate. But she was. And she could tell something was up when I didn't answer immediately.

"Matt," she said, and there was fear and anger in her voice, "something's up, isn't it? He's lying to me isn't he? He's cheating on me. Oh my God he's cheating on me isn't he? Matt, you have to tell me what's going on."

There was no way in the nine levels of hell I was going to tell her what was going on. I valued breathing and being able to walk without assistance too much to have Mat come home and find out I'd told his girlfriend he was an unfaithful liar. And yet Shelly was starting to freak out. I had to calm her down, and I had to do it fast.

At first, I had no idea what to say. Then it hit me, like a bolt from the blue. "Shelly, there's something you need to understand," I said. "Student athletes are...special people. Mat's under a lot of stress. Balancing classes and practice and stuff, it's really hard. You've got to be patient with him. Remember, he's giving of his mind and body every day, you know, to be a student and play basketball. Don't you think that the least you can do is give Mat a little patience and understanding?"

It was a slightly less articulate version of the speech the hall manager had given me when I requested a room change.. And it worked like a charm. Shelly burst into tears, then came over and hugged me. She smelled like wildflowers.

"Oh God, thank you, Matt," she whimpered into my shoulder. "It's just that I love that big guy so much, and I'm afraid. Like, I don't want to get screwed over. I just want to believe he really loves me, that somebody loves me. How stupid is that, right?"

I suddenly felt like a first-class douchebag. But I was already committed to covering for Mat. There was no turning back now. "It's not stupid at all," I told her in my most sympathetic and comforting voice. "Everybody wants to be loved."

"You really are a sweetheart," she said, gulping back a new wave of tears. "That Annie girl is really stupid for not wanting to be with you."

Now I really did laugh. "It's Aimee, actually," I corrected, "but yeah, she is pretty stupid. Then again, that 'Little Matt' nickname you stuck me with hasn't exactly been helping me with the ladies." Now we both laughed and everything felt better. You know, except for the fact that I had totally lied to her.

I tried to make myself scarce for the rest of the weekend. I had a few APO activities to attend, and I spent time with Nathan and the roleplaying group. Part of me wanted to call my mom and ask her to bring me home for a day or two, but I was trying to force myself to stay at school. I didn't want to look back on my freshman year and regret spending my time in Kokomo.

Mat and Shelly didn't leave the room all weekend. Pizza boxes and LaBamba's bags piled up next to the door. I walked in on them having sex once, and I walked in on them fighting twice. I never figured out what they were fighting about, because I didn't stick around to find out (nor did I ask about it later). I didn't come home before 2 a.m. on Friday or Saturday night. I got up as early as I could on Saturday and Sunday morning and left almost immediately.

By the time I returned from the library on Sunday night, Mat was in bed alone and looking thoroughly bummed out.

"Is Shelly gone?" I asked.

Mat heaved a deep sigh. "Yeah. She left like an hour ago."

"Looks like you're pretty sad about it."

"F*** me, that's the truth," he said. "Shit's f***ing crazy.."

Well, he certainly could emote.

"Hey," he said, "did you tell her anything about me?"

Uh oh. "No. Why?"

"I dunno," he said. "She was acting all weird, like she thinks I'm cheating on her or something."

"Well...you are cheating on her, Mat," I said.

He blanched. "Yeah, well, she don't know dat. How can she pissed at me for some shit she don't even know about? Innocent 'til proven guilty, right?"

I shook my head. "I guess women are just a mystery."

"That's the f***ing truth," he agreed, completely missing the sarcasm.

"Is Shelly coming back any time soon?" I asked.

"I dunno," he said. "She wants me to visit her in California."

"Are you going to?"

"Maybe," he said. "It depends." He never said what it depended on, although I assumed the deciding factor would be whether she'd pay for his trip.

"Oh, by de way," he said. "Some girl called for you."

Some girl? "Was it Aimee?" I asked.

"No."

"Susan?"

"No."

"Latrisse?"

"Nope."

"Carolyn or Tiffany?"

"No, not them."

"Nancy?"

"No."

I was stumped. "Was it my mom, Mat?"

"It wasn't your mom," he said.

"Dude, that's, like, every woman I know. Why didn't you write it down?"

"I thought I'd remember," he said.

I wondered briefly if I could sic the head coach on him for forgetting my messages.

Mat's brain was working so hard I could almost smell toast burning. Finally, the light bulb went on. "Oh, right! She said she was 'Cindy from Kokomo.'"

Cindy from Kokomo. She was the last person I expected to call.

"Well," I said. "F*** me."

Part 13

Labels: ,

87 Comments:
Blogger Josh said...
The simple fact that you had a "conversation" consisting of more than two sentences exchanged back and forth is stunning enough, but I think the real kicker is that in the end you used Mat's catch phrase. It's as if he's rubbing off on you. F*** me, I never thought I'd see that happen.

Wait.

Shit.

Blogger Steve said...
Man Bawful,

How could you leave it at that? I hate Cliffhangers especially since I'm reading this almost right after you posted. That's like waiting 2 whole days for the next one.

I had to play that role of lying to a girl for another guy. One of the WORST feelings ever. Except the guy I covered was a friend, the guy you covered throws you to the wolves.

Look forward to Thursday

OpenID bluefromhere said...
One more girl??? You bad boy, you!

Blogger Nick N said...
well now the flowchart is moot. sheesh.

Anonymous joeawesomearnold said...
dude, i love reading these like everyone else who writes comments. I so happy on this new installment you finally called mat an oger. i've been thinking it since since part II. Also i would like to know did you keep a journal cuz im 25 and i can not remember my freshman yea in detail as you at all.


uturefay allway arstay is the big dog?

its pig latin

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Isnt it pretty obvious why Bawful remember all these situations? I mean, he didnt spend time destroying his brain like the rest of us drinking. Thats how it is in Denmark anyways...

looking forward to the book!

Anonymous Anonymous said...
hey there, iam from germany and enjoy reading your bawfull blog for a year or two. iam following your "living large" thing since part 1. At times i think you should stop posting the parts and release a book instead. Would be a top-seller :D.

Anyway, all i want to comment is: thank you for that mighty laugh i had when reading "Well," I said. "F*** me." :D:D

Great stuff, love your humor :D. Could have only been better if we could have seen HIS face while you dropping that major Mat-quote :D

Blogger Basketbawful said...
Josh -- Mat's "F*** me" phrase totally rubbed off on me. I still say it whenever I get particularly frustrated about something, and I often say it in his voice.

Steve -- I know, I know. I'm an evil bastard. And honestly, I never plan the cliffhangers ahead of time...I just stop when I reach them.

Well, if it was for a friend...although I'm curious what the lie was (if you can tell).

bluefromhere -- And I swear I thought I was a lonely, unlovable guy back then.

Nick N. -- I think with some minor adjustments it can still work.

joeawesomearnold -- I idday eepkay a ournaljay enwhay I asway in ollegecay.

Anonymous #1 -- Yes. I was such a boring git at 18 that the freshman sections of my brain have remained intact. Things start going a little fuzzy around junior year...

Anonymous #2 -- Thanks for the compliments! They aren't required, but they are appreciated.

Blogger Will said...
Basketbawful- don't listen to anyone else, I kinda like the cliffhangers at the end of the posts. It really makes me look forward to the next morning. At least now Anaconda has someone for Jennifer Garner to play.

Blogger Buck Nasty said...
Whaaaammmyyyy. Another cliffhanger, more excitement builds.

I'll be expecting the usual AHL, Dave, Chris comments coming with more commentary soon.

Blogger Bob said...
Bawful:
Great stuff. I love going down memory lane with you. My junior year was such a blast largely because of the basketball team. Our football team was a freaking joke the whole time I was in College. I graduated in 1993 so got to see a season or two of future NBA star - and that was a blast. Especially beating our arch rival school many times and also beating the fabulous folks from the school to the north. Please let us know when the book is coming out and when you are having a signing!!

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
For such an inexperienced guy, you sure quenched that top-level female crazy with style. Then again as Mat's sex secretary, I suppose this was just another day at work.

I love how you went through and named everyone on the chart. By Part 13, I'll need Nancy and Cindy in the hotness relativity scale (who gets to be Garner or Connelly). And the chat room description was so hilarious, thanks for keeping the humor spectrum wide as always.

Matholomew McHale, as if you weren't my hero enough already, you are my hero.

Except for Mat. He's my hero of heroes.

I'm going to buy a jar of animal crackers now.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
Additionally: Was it alt.pub.coffeehouse.amethyst? I can imagine it wasn't a far jump for your D&D group to be using alt.pub.dragons-inn, thus you innocently suggesting Usenet as a tool for Latrisse to communicate how much she wants the geeky Matt cock.

Anonymous BadDave said...
Nope. Cindy would be Rachel Weisz. And I posted this comment with the wrong post - prepare for a double facepalm with a forehead rub in the next installment!

WV - stablegu. Bawful didn't know it, but he had a whole stablegu of women available for his pleasure.

Blogger Basketbawful said...
AnacondaHL -- It was alt.pub.coffeehouse.something. When I was scanning over my old notes, all I had written down was "The Coffee House." At 18, I really didn't think there would ever be a great proliferation of Internet chat rooms. It's funny thinking back to it.

God, I still remember when, at the beginning of my sophomore year, I shared a World Wide Web account with a guy down the hall. Back then, Netscape Navigator was brand spanking new. BadDave and I would sit at the computer for 15-20 minutes waiting for ONE picture of a nude chick to load. It would be like wait, wait, wait for it, wait, hey, it's almost down to her nips!!

Blogger Basketbawful said...
AnacondaHL said: "For such an inexperienced guy, you sure quenched that top-level female crazy with style."

You know, this story doesn't exactly give me a lot to brag about, but one thing I always excelled at was quenching the crazy. When BadDave and I lived together, I would often keep him rolling in fits of uncontrollable laughter as I gave my rather unique crazy-quenching speeches in person or over the phone.

BadDave's favorite, I believe, was the "Sex is like candy" speech.

I must insist on BadDave telling this one from his perspective, then I'll jump in and fill in the details.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
9600 baud porn: teaching a generation of men how to jackoff to hair, guessing with anticipation what's at the bottom. I'm fully convinced the old Internet line-by-line picture loading is the reason why the moneyshot is a required scene in any porno today.

Anonymous Marc said...
I don't know tons about college ball, but I can think of one particular college coach who had the worst hair in all of history.

Is it [Coach Name Deleted by Blog Author]?

Feel free to censor as needed.

Anonymous clyde said...
Fuck Me!

that's my new slang....

I'll tell everyone it's a W. L. thing

Blogger Gary said...
man I am really enjoying these stories. thanks for the extra work putting them up for a bunch of freeloaders to read :-)

ahhhhhh La Bambas! thanks for throwing that in, I could use a burrito as big as my head about now.

Anonymous wallywojo said...
I did not see you mention the school yet, but I think the bad hair gives it away. It was [School Name Deleted by Blog Author] and the player is [Name Deleted by Blog Author] as he was amazing in college and a guy that did not have the effort at the pro level.

No mention of [Totally Sweet Pizza Place Name Deleted by Blog Author] yet, did you not frequent that place?

Blogger Basketbawful said...
Marc and wallywojo win today's Accurate Guess Award. Just keep in mind that, generally speaking, I won't publish comments with correct guesses. That's how you'll know you're correct.

AnacondaHL -- Dear lord. You...you might be right about the money shot thing. That sure would explain a lot.

Blogger Michael said...
You have a serious narrative gift for these episodes, including the cliffhangers. F*** me, you're a funny man.

Blogger Japes said...
Now we have to add Cindy to the equation??? Holy crap Bawfull you really were clueless when you were 18.

I had to work HARD for all my female contacts in freshman year. You on the other hand, they seem to be falling right on your lap!

As always, excellent writing! Keep the cliffhangers coming, (nerd alert) it's like watching a really good anime then seeing the words: "to be continued" right in the heat of battle (/end nerd alert) very disappointing but keeps you extremely excited for the next one.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
That's the beauty of the Internet age we live in. I'm fully convinced goatse.cx is the reason why anal is a required scene in any porno today.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
had no idea la bambas was a chain, as we have one at conference rival Illinois. incredible stories, btw. and does BTFU a take on your school's idiotic (though oskee wow wow is lame as hell, too) "chant" or whatever, of ****** Up?

Anonymous Anonymous said...
I read these every morning and they are getting really awesome, even with all the cliffhangers

Love the 'Student Athletes' Speech

Blogger chris said...
That scene of you trying to ask Mat "which girl was it" essentially...that cracks me up so hard because of your complete inability to see that you were amassing QUITE the following. I mean, after you got to girl #4, it should have been obvious...but no.

CAPTCHA: "heiman," as in "The Heiman trophy is not a regular occurrence at [school name deleted]."

Blogger Dan B. said...
Gary -- Since my stomach is growling loudly at the moment, I too could use a burrito as big as my head right now. I could, however, live without the extreme amount of time spent on the toilet afterward. I have gone to Labamba once... Never again.

Blogger Basketbawful said...
Quick hits:

1. BTFU is indeed a take on our school chant. TF = "The Fuck."

2. Warning: LaBamba burritos -- truly as big as your head -- should be consumed only after a night of heavy drinking. I mean, as long as you're going to wake up with the beer shits anyway...

3. "That's the beauty of the Internet age we live in. I'm fully convinced goatse.cx is the reason why anal is a required scene in any porno today."

You had me at "Dicks fuck assholes."

Blogger Lord Kerrance said...
Love how your authorial flair has developed over the course of this epic.

Also cannot wait for the "Sex Is Like Candy" transcript.

Anonymous Axe Head said...
So, we're back to bad hair? How could I have forgotten the coach and his all-time worst hair? I could understand even a violent reaction to _that_.

Blogger Wild Yams said...
I fell behind a couple days and it's now taken me almost two solid days just to catch up with everything I missed, what with reading the entries and the comments. I really don't know what to say. I feel like I just read a novel and now must post a review or something. While I take some time to get back in the flow here, lemme just say this series is fantastic, so keep it up, Mr. Bawful :)

Blogger In BC We Trust said...
to AnacondaHL (first post): i'd wanted to say that for a while. but i let a regular do it first so it seems (slightly) less creepy. Bawful, you're my hero.

and do animal crackers come in jars?

Blogger Gary said...
Yeah bambas will rip your hole good and wet. which is why the best policy is to get your drunker friend to eat two. hilarity.

Blogger BadDave said...
SEX IS LIKE CANDY!!! It's totally a great speech. Part of the reason Bawful was good at verbal sedation of the crazies was the amount of experience he had.

At any rate, I'm departing in one hour for my vacation (three days of which will be solid Bawful/BadDave Bromance And Shenanigans). So, that post will come later.

Blogger chris said...
Axe Head: Hair as bad as Joakim Noah's?

Anonymous Less Inflammatory Name said...
Oh man Bawful.....you are the patron saint of nerds everywhere.

But if it's not too much trouble, brother, *flexes 23" pythons* could we get a post/guest post about SHAQ DIESEL'S GUEST HOSTING OF MONDAY NIGHT RAW on July 27, 9:00 pm on USA! *blatant advertising alert*

Oh my god this is going to rock....unintentionally or not

Captcha: Bashipm, as in Shaq's going to use Shaq Fu to bashipm Randy Orton and Co.

Blogger Dan B. said...
OMG, a basketball-related link:

Everyone should take this awesome quiz, "Guess That NBA Clearance Item Price." Questions include prices about a New Jersey Nets shirt that doesn't have anybody from the current roster listed on it, unfitted caps, and this gem: "How Much For This 'We Gave Away Pau Gasol For Nothing' Youth Jersey." The lower the score, the better. Unfortunately, I apparently have no concept of the value of money, and I scored a 700.

Blogger Wild Yams said...
BTW, Mr. Bawful, if you're gonna be traveling on Friday (or whatever day that is), would there be any way you could empower someone else to approve comments while you're indisposed? Last time when you were flying over to Italy it was like a ghost town around here with nobody's comments getting approved.

Blogger chris said...
Wild Yams: Yeah, I'm not sure author privileges on their own allow comment approval. But if this can be done between you, BadDave, AHL and myself I think we'd be able to make it work all day long. :D

Blogger chris said...
Having said that, it was funny when those with author privileges were the only ones running the asylum... ;)

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
In BC: Yes. The box of animal crackers is for children and wusses. Real men who tell hos what up buy 5 pound jars.

Blogger Wild Yams said...
chris - Clearly that's what's happening now, as I'm sure once again the unapproved comments are piling up. Unfortunately from what I can tell, only Mr. Bawful has the power to approve comments. I can understand the sensitivity of not wanting his alma mater or any of the names of people getting published though, but I don't know about the other authors but I've been aware of all that since the first one of these installments, so I could edit comments to not display any of that. I dunno, it might be that only the owner of the blog can approve comments, we'll have to see what Herr Bawful says when he returns :)

Regarding the ubiquitous animal crackers, it makes me think of Mark Ruffalo's character in Zodiac. Am I alone in that?

Blogger Caleb Smith said...
The Cliffhangers are obviously a positive part of the series, despite all the bitching about them. Don't change the accidental cliffhangers...

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Wait you're bald? When did that happen?

Blogger Basketbawful said...
AnacondaHL, Yams and chris -- Okay, hang onto your socks so they don't blow the hell off...I have granted you admin authority. That means you too can approve comments. So when I'm flying over the pond on Friday, I hereby empower you all to approve comments. You know the rules: No player/school/last names, and no abusive messages.

Blogger Basketbawful said...
Anonymous said: "Wait you're bald? When did that happen?"

I started shaving my head about a year ago. I still had a full head of hair -- well, mostly -- but it was thinning. I wanted to give the shave job a try and I loved it. Even if I wasn't thinning, I doubt I'd go back.

Blogger Steve said...
All I gotta say for this series is.

"Harry Freakin Potter can't hold a Candle to Livin Large!"

I'm already doing the cinematography of your future movie in my head. I'm sure there must be some movie exec/screenwriter/director that reads this blog. My advice to you guys. GET ON THIS TRAIN and stop re-re-re-releasing crappy formulaic "Date Movie" movies.

To Bawful: I was thinking about what you said (or one of the other commenters said, don't remember) about the advantages of being tall. I'm a "average" 5'8" male and I got to try my hardest to beat out "below average" 6'4" ogre in the girls department. That and if I were 6'4" I would be able to dunk.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
My socks have disintegrated from my brain exploding, given these new powers.

1) How do you edit the comments? Did you do that manually?

2) Are you sure about giving us edit post capabilities? Granted, this means we can fix your grammer errors, but we're loggin in as root when that might be overkill.

Blogger chris said...
Bawful: Has your legacy received the same requisite increase that His Airness's did when he decided to abandon scalp hair?

AHL: Hmm. Will, uhm, "Carolyn and Nancy" make more appearances in the comments now that you have been given the scepter of overlording? ;)

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
chris: Jordan wasn't always bald? I think it's more like, Bawful and Kobe have something in common now! Anyways, I'm seconding whoever a while back said Bawful looks like Neil Strauss, since whoever said that was the second person to reference Style on this site since...me.

chris: At the very least, if Matt gets hit by a bus, or wins the lottery and leaves, or gets hit by a bus while winning the lottery, we can manage enough to relay the news. Also, all hot girls reading this site can now send their comments directly to me, and I'll personally moderate you.

*is letting the power get to his head slightly*

Blogger chris said...
AnacondaHL:

Yeah, MJ wasn't always bald.

Anonymous RunBoilerRun said...
Yay for Matt allowing the comments to keep flying while he is flying! The banter that follows each series is the only thing keeping me going throughout the day.

Anonymous RunBoilerRun said...
AnacondaHL - hott girl right here!

Although, unfortunately I must confess that as an ex-athlete of said school I must deduct points from myself after reading this series. Damn, right back to average.

Blogger Wild Yams said...
AnacondaHL, you're not the only one who is letting this new power go to his head. As my first order of business as a moderator, I promise to eradicate any and all negative references to the Lakers (especially in regards to Kobe) from this site. It's just a minor tweak though, I doubt anyone will notice :)

Regarding Jordan's bald pate, I remember as a kid reading that he started shaving his head because going to the barber shop became a huge hassle for him due to his fame, so he found it easier to just shave his head himself. That story always seemed a bit flimsy to me (he couldn't afford some electric clippers?), but it's as good as any other. BTW, this is my favorite pre-shorn Jordan pic, even if his hair is still more closely cropped than in the pic chris posted.

Good call on the Mr. Bawful and Neil Strauss comparisons (except I think that Style is supposedly notoriously short, isn't he?). Does anyone else think Strauss loses cool points for nicknaming himself dangerously close to Teen Wolf's annoying best friend?

Blogger Trev said...
Apparently LeBron James was dunked on at some sort of basketball camp.

http://boston.barstoolsports.com/random-thoughts/fuck-tmzhere-is-a-real-look-at-lebron-getting-dunked-on-at-his-summer-camp/

About a minute in. This is the first I have heard about this. Someone should have probably made a bigger deal about this James fellow getting dunked on.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
teh lakerz suck and kobe suxx balls lol

(This comment was not written by AnacondaHL and speed moderated by AnacondaHL.)

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
Trev: Ye of little faith! Even in the midst of Livin' Large posts, Bawful did indeed update us with this event, but the video is a great bonus (still questionable that this is the event, but whatever. Streisand effect at it's finest.).

Blogger Trev said...
Hmmmm...It seems sarcasm still no workie on the intrawubs.

Blogger mmtja5 said...
Bawful,

When I was first introduced to this saga (with the release of Part 7) then worked my way back, I wondered if I would be as interested if this didn't involve my school. I can now say with certainty I would. This is awesome stuff.

You've developed quite a following on your alma mater's Rivals site. Stop by and post sometime.

Blogger Basketbawful said...
Egads! Comment moderation abuses!

AnacondaHL, apparently I can't give you comment moderating abilities w/o giving you edit post abilities as well. Just a limitation of the Blogger system. Which, yeah, means you could bollocks up my sight something awful. Please don't.

Random thoughts as I gear up to churn out another installment of Livin' Large.

I'm freaking tired. BUT...Evil Ted and I spent a couple post-work hours filming some scenes for an in-the-works basketbawful video. Let's just say that exhaustion is clearly getting to us, because at one point we ended up in front of the Leaning Tower and Ted had a fake mustache on his finger. It...it'll make sense when you see the video. I think.

Okay RunBoilerRun. You can't drop the "I'm an ex-athlete from your former school" and not tell me what you did. BTFU woman!

Speaking of women, there must be some crazy stuff in the Italian water, because something serious is up with the boobs here. They bounce. I mean, all of them. Just bouncing, bouncing, bouncing. It's hypnotic. Do Italian women have special bras? Or are they just lacking in support? I'm going to miss this when we come back to the states.

As we were walking back to the flats (that is, apartments), Evil Ted posed an interesting question. Men are, by and large, suckers for cleavage. When we see it, we are compelled by dark forces beyond our control to stare, or at least speak a peak.

So here's the question, and it goes out to the female fans of basketbawful or even dudes in the know: What serves as "male cleavage" for the ladies? Is there something on or about a man that makes you stare against your will?


By the way, please, please, please for the LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THAT'S UNHOLY don't compare me to Neil Strauss. I've read The Game and Rules of the Game. I know he's the greatest pickup artist in the world and all that. But dude's like four feet tall. Honestly, I would not transform into his small, mousy form for all the hot poon he supposedly gets. I mean, he could get beaten up by an Ewok.

Blogger Basketbawful said...
mmtja5 -- I will totally check out the forums. I literally just tried to check it out, but there's a signup process, and right now I gotta write...

OpenID NarSARSsist said...
Yams, welcome back. It's great to have a fellow Lakers fan back here, especially one with admin rights. Get to crackin' on changing those WotN with Kobe! I kid I kid.

Anonymous RunBoilerRun said...
I ran track/cross-country - doesn't exactly elicit the same response from males as big-time basketball player does from females.

Also, concerning the "man-cleavage" conversation, I would definitely have to go with abs. A nice six-pack makes me drool.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
Bawful: How could I soil the written word of Basketbawful? I'm appointing myself Captain of the Hersey-against-Basketbawful Destroyer Squad.

Male Cleavage equivalent question:
Misogyny answer: crotch.
Easy answer: butts.
Pro answer: calves.

Blogger Basketbawful said...
RunBoilerRun -- Replies:

1. DAMN IT. I was totally going to guess track and field. In fact, I started typing it out and deleted it because it felt like the cliched answer. If anyone is interested, I had three guesses: First, track and field, second, volleyball, third, soccer.

2. DAMN IT. I had a feeling it would be the six pack. At best I've managed a two pack at the top of the abs. But I can't seem to starve myself enough to move the rest of those suckers out into the open. Can anyone refer me to a good liposuctionist?

Wild Yams -- I second, nay, I third, fourth and fifth NarSARsist's welcome back message. The board was sorely missing your oddly rational comments. And just so everybody knows, I e-mailed Yams personally to find out WTF was up with his disappearance. If he hadn't answered, I'd would've tracked him down and dragged him back.

AnacondaHL -- You missed abs, my friend. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to do some crunches.

OpenID bluefromhere said...
@Bawful About the staring thing I think it's usually a guy's butt. I have no idea why because I don't go for that, but I've heard a lot of girls who can't help staring at a guy's cute butt.

Personally I stare at guys who are very tall. Yeah, big shocker I like basketball and can't help staring at really tall guys.

Anonymous W. Breeze said...
The irony of working 13 hours days in Italy. I doubt most Italians see the inside of an office for 13 hours a week.

Speaking of irony, Matt and Mat could have be great for one another, if they had the maturity at the time to realise it. What Mat needs is some focus and a jump hook, and it seems Matt could provide both in spades. At the same time Mat could teach young Anakin a few things about the ladies and loosening up.

Also, Jennifer is to Mat as Matt is to Aimee as Latrisse is to Matt. When the book comes out some lit class is gonna have fun discussing this. For the Hollywood treatment you might need to simplify the female cast a bit, as currently there's no one lady that we should obviously be ...err... pulling for.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
Oh fine. I was holding back, have my secrets:
Super pro answer: the V crease made by your abdomen and thighs. Obviously, this answer is only applicable in certain situations, so I'm sticking with my calves answer. It is related to the six-pack, but is the far stronger attractor.

OpenID dandruff102 said...
Based on everyone saying how good they thought Mat would be, did he utterly dominate high school ball especially with his size? Did he ever tell you his stats and whatnot?

Blogger Wild Yams said...
Mr. Bawful - Who knew our new administrative powers extended to having control over your vision?! Far be it for me to "bollocks up your sight" :D

Now to answer a few questions:

1. When boobs are real, they bounce. Way it goes.

2. Women stare at breast cleavage as much or more than men do. Men will doubt this, and women will be loathe to admit it, but it's true. So the thing that makes women stare the way guys do at cleavage is... cleavage. Of course, that's not on a man, so I guess it's technically excluded from your question, but I would guess any truly honest woman would say there isn't anything on a guy that will transfix their gaze as much as bona fide good cleavage on a woman will.

3. Thank you for the welcome back :) I actually wasn't even away from the site that long, it really just took forever to read what I'd missed and get caught up enough to make comments in the current thread. I thought about making two or three day late comments, but realize nobody would read them. The length of these entries combined with the overwhelming number of comments means if you fall behind, it'll take a while to catch up. I can only pretend to be working while actually reading this site for so many hours out of the day.

Is anyone else tingling with anticipation with the knowledge that Mr. Bawful is no doubt hammering away at his keyboard with the next chapter of this epic saga? I dunno about you guys, but if I don't calm down I'm soon gonna give myself a case of the Vapors.

Anonymous RunBoilerRun said...
Bawful,

Don't worry - it doesn't have to be an exact 6-pack. Anything pack-worthy is a thumbs-up in my book!

And yes my username kind of gave away my sport. Although, volleyball was a good choice as I played all through high school despite standing tall at 5'1".

Blogger chris said...
W. Breeze - The one character I've been most sympathetic to in this series has been Taco Bell Jennifer, because she clearly behaved the most desperately for some reason.

Blogger chris said...
RunBoilerRun - Judging from the celebrity doppelgangers of your forebears in Matholomew's world of obliviousness, I say, don't deduct points from yourself. :D

Anonymous Utahraptor said...
OT: Video of the Lakers/Odom contract negotiations: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UGmpM_ddhGs

Blogger Basketbawful said...
Okay, a few more comments and then off to bed.

bluefromhere -- Hey, did I mention I'm 6'3"? I'm just sayin'.

W. Breeze -- Seriously. There are some very lazy bastards around these parts. Sadly, my company bucks that trend.

You're right: Mat and I could have been good influences on each other. Sadly, it never happened. It happened with me and BadDave tho'.

AnacondaHL -- V crease. Yep.

Yams -- Well, whatever the case, it's good to have you back AND commenting. It makes me twitchy when you don't comment.

RunBoilerRun -- Holy wow! 5'1"?? Were you a member of the Lollipop Guild? I keed. But seriously, if I had that six pack, you'd be staring right at it.

So I'm curious, did you do it all four years? Do you still run? Marathons, half-marathons, anything like that?

chris -- Everybody, wag of the finger to chris for abusing his newfound admin privileges by reading ahead! ;)

Utahraptor -- Oh no you don't! I'm going to bed. I am! I...aw, hell, now I gotta watch that video. Damn you.

Blogger Ethan said...
Hey Matt,
I'm loving your posts and even figured out which college you went to earlier. Anyway, I also had tons of girls I was friends with and should have hooked up with but blew it because I'm entirely too awkward. That's probably why I can't stop reading these even though they're not nearly as much about sports as I thought. Anyway, instead of writing a blog, my release is stand up comedy. I did one joke pretty much about having friends you should hook up with and thought i'd pass it along. Enjoy. And you know, if you like it, feel free to plug, but no worries if you don't
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=drXZI_ETkFQ&feature=channel_page

Anonymous Anonymous said...
I can't wait for the next installment! I attended the rival school to the south at this same time. Someone sent me the link and I knew exactly who this was before reading one line.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
hahah it was i who mentioned about your similarity with style..

let's see.. you're a writer.. your skills with girls were non-existent.. and the looks is just the icing on the cake hahah!

hey, you're a celtics fan, you deserve it.

-thelakersfan

btw.. you're tall, have a way with words, and get boat loads of chicks.. comparisons with a midget can't bother you that much can it?

oh and.. did "the game" improve your success rates at all?

Blogger eileen said...
Another female data point here- Women don't really check out crotches or butts. Personally, I like nice upper arms on men, not super jacked or anything, but with some muscle. Guys with a six-pack are often a little too into working out. But honestly, Wild Yams is correct- nothing on the male anatomy is nearly as eye-catching as nice boobs.
Oh, and I strongly support men buzzing or shaving their heads if hair starts thinning- it looks much better that way. Think Bruce Willis vs. Larry David, and you'll see what I mean.

p.s. this might be the creepiest comment I've ever written.

OpenID NarSARSsist said...
Bawful - Of course chris is going to abuse his powers. You think he'd pass it up and write a lacktion report on himself?

Incidentally, my word verification is bicep. I think blogger.com is getting in the action and answering your question.

Blogger Sohlman said...
That was the best ending... "Fuck me!!!" LOL

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Did you know who the assistant coach was? Did he have an incredibly raspy voice, and a disdain for Eric Gordon? Did he ride the coattails of that raspy voiced assistant coach? Did he get ratted out by the women's basketball coach at that same school for his recruiting prowess? Or, none of the above?

By the way, awesome read!

Blogger chris said...
NarSARSsist: Yeah, I wouldn't view myself as the Chiekh Samb of this blog, more like...the Jud Buechler.

OpenID NarSARSsist said...
chris: That's a lot of action there. You would have been 10th in 3PT percentage in the strike-shortened season, and tied for 777th in hall of fame probability. Quite frankly, it's too much action for me to handle.

Blogger Victor said...
I'd say the reason girls stare at other girls' breasts is to size up their competition. It's the same reason guys can be caught looking at another guy's crotch. The best comment I've ever heard about that article: "That also happens to be the strike zone."

Here's a good NSFW video on bouncy boobs. Firm tits bounce more than saggy ones. Less fat people in Italy will certainly mean more less saggy boobs. Everyone knows a slutty fat girl with massive, saggy, fatty boobs. A friend of mine also tells me she does chest exercises at the gym because building up the muscles under there is supposed to make your boobs more firm. The brunette in the video is in way better shape than the anorexic, saggy-titted blonde so I think that plays a role too.

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