Hopeless scrub...or helpless victim?
Basketbawful reader Steve recently directed me to a Web site called Caste Football. According to CF's About Us page: "Caste Football's goal is to see that white athletes are respected for their abilities, and that they receive the same opportunities to succeed as non-white athletes." That's a righteously sweet goal, because I've often felt that racist media propaganda -- such as the spurious notion that professional sports require remarkable speed, incredible strength, striking natural ability and a multitude of finely-honed skills -- has unfairly prevented me from winning several Olympic gold medals, achieving All-Star status in the NBA and beating Sonya Thomas in an internationally-recognized chicken wing eating contest.

But make no mistake: I'm not the only victim here. Many current NBA players -- all so white they're nearly translucent -- are being treated unfairly because they suffer from the incurable color of their skin. Some examples (mind you, this article is dated):

Regarding the Atlanta Hawks: "One of the worst teams in the traditionally worst division in the NBA, Atlanta's roster is comprised almost wholly of 'superior' athletes. How is this possible? ZaZa Pachulia is the lone team representative for white folks, and like most white basketball players the Georgian center is a good shooter, rebounder, and passer. So how come he doesn't get more minutes for a team in such dire need?"

About the Chicago Bulls: "They benched their best point guard for a wildly out of control rookie who can't shoot but can jump really high. Of course, that's S.O.P. for the NBA. Kirk Hinrich is arguably the best point guard in the conference, however he was demoted. Then he got injured and is out for the foreseeable future. Argentine small forward Andres Nocioni is incredibly athletic, tough, and skilled. But he's white, so he comes off the bench behind guys he routinely out-plays. 7-foot center Aaron Gray is in his second year with the Bulls, but despite being their best big man has never been truly incorporated into the team's plans. I'm not sure why they even keep the talented rebounder with a soft touch around."

Then there's the black evil in Cleveland: "Aleksander Pavlovic might be the best athlete on the team, but it's blasphemy to say that since 'King' LeBron James is on the roster. Despite being an incredible offensive talent, Pavlovic can't get on the floor. Anderson Varejao looks like Sideshow Bob off the Simpsons cartoon, but the rebounding machine must not be a white man, because he actually gets to play."

Reading CF's NBA analysis was nothing short of stunning, kind of like waking up from a dream in which I'm not awesome, or being magically transported into an alternate reality where the Nazis defeated George Washington in the Korean War of 1812. I mean, who knew that the only thing standing between the Hawks and true greatness was more minutes for Zaza Pachulia? Or that Sasha Pavlovic could beat LeBron James in a jumping contest. My eyes have been opened, and I can't wait to learn more secret truths that govern this strange new world, like that up is really down, C-A-T actually spells dog and eating this delicious, gravy-soaked stick of butter won't cause my heart to explode. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to declare my eligibility for the NBA draft...

Labels: are these guys for real, Atlanta Hawks, Chicago Bulls, Cleveland Cavaliers, Kirk Hinrich, Lebron James, Sasha Pavlovic, White Men, Zaza Pachulia