Vince and Devin
It seems like so long ago since Devin boldly (and stupidly)
proclaimed: "We knew we were going to be a playoff team."

Today's pic courtesy of Shayan from Mediocre Forever.

The New Jersey Nets: The Nets had the faintly-beating heart violently ripped out of the chest of their postseason hopes by last night's 107-78 HOME LOSS to the Milwaukee Bucks. I put "home loss" in all caps there to not only highlight the fact that the Nets were blown out by 29 points at home in a must-win game against a team that began the night 12 games below .500, but also because the defeat dropped them to 15-22 at the Izod Center this season. That gives them the second-worst home record in the Eastern Conference, ahead of only -- you guessed it! -- the Washington Wizards Generals. The Nets are now 19-36 since Devin Harris said: "We knew we were going to be a playoff team." John Hollinger's playoff odds now give them a 0.2 percent chance of making it to the second season.

Bonus bawful! The Nets shot 26-for-70 (37 percent), missed 10 free throws and finished with more turnovers (16) than assists (15). Oh, and those turnovers led to 21 bonus points for the Bucks. Furthermore, the game was never close: The Bucks went on an 18-0 run in the final 4:51 of the first quarter to take a 32-13 lead that was the mathemological equivalent of "Game Over." New Jersey has lost five in a row and nine of its last 11 games and 17 of 23 overall. Plus, they lost to a team that has itself won only five of its last 10 games. PLAYOFF RUN FAIL.

Even more bonus bawful! From the AP game recap: "The Nets futility was never more evident than early in the third quarter when Bucks center Dan Gadzuric stole the ball from Trenton Hassell under the Milwaukee basket, dribbled behind his back and dunked."

Devin Harris and Vince Carter: The dual rudders of this ship that be sinking combined to score 19 points on 6-for-22 from the field. And their combined fouls/turnovers (10) barely surpassed their total rebounds/assists (11).

The Miami Heat: They kept it close, thanks mostly to Dwyane Wade's 42-point performance, but the Heat still dropped a home game to the Magic on the night of Alonzo Mourning's jersey retirement ceremony. That cut Miami's lead over the Sixers for the fifth seed to a single game. But it gets worse: Backup point guard Luther Head broke his left hand during the game and will miss four to six weeks...which essentially means he's a scratch for the playoffs. Fun fact: The Magic have now won 12 of their last 13 matchups against the Heat.

J.J. Redick: Basketbawful reader Kaan -- who is one letter away from having the world's most awesome name (Khan or Kahn) -- said: "Hey I think J.J. Redick deserves a special WOTN award for this. He is a free soul you know. Boundaries cannot limit him. From the AP recap: 'Redick turned the ball over twice because he stood out of bounds while receiving passes for what would’ve been wide-open jumpers.'"

Superfluous and mildly deceptive stats: From the AP: "Dwight Howard scored 22 points and grabbed 18 rebounds, passing Wilt Chamberlain as the youngest NBA player to reach the 5,000-board mark. ... Howard reached the 5,000-rebound mark—he now has 5,006 -- at the age of 23 years, 112 days. Chamberlain was 25 years, 128 days old when he got his 5,000th rebound." What the writer conspicuously failed to mention was that Wilt was 23 years, 65 days old on the day of his very first NBA game...only 57 days younger than Dwight is RIGHT NOW. So, sorry, Howard may be today's Basketball Superman, but Wilt was yesterday's Basketball God.

The New York Knicks: More great defense (the Jazz shot almost 55 percent), more great ball-handling (the Knicks committed 20 turnovers for 32 points going the other way), and the 14th loss in the last 20 games. Also, the Knicks blocked 2 shots, putting their season total at 175...a full 38 behind last season's "Worst Ever For An 82-Game Season" total. Which begs the question: How did the Knicks dump Zach Randolph and become a WORSE shot-blocking team? That's like dumping your guild's "Leeroy Jenkins" and then running face-first into MORE hopeless, team-crushing battles.

And then there was...

Al Harrington: So sayeth the AP: "Al Harrington scored 24 to lead the Knicks before getting ejected with two technicals for arguing a foul call with 22 seconds left. The Knicks were down six before Harrington's tirade allowed Korver to put away the game with two free throws for the technical fouls." And mind you, those techs were called AFTER he had committed an offensive foul. Coupled with his bizarre antics against the Clippers and it seems like dude has gone straight up crazy.

The Golden State Warriors: No Stephen Jackson (scheduled to undergo season-ending surgery on his left big toe), Andris Biedrins (sprained left ankle), Corey Maggette (head contusion), Marco Belinelli (right ankle) or Brandan Wright (left shoulder). Ronny Turiaf fouled out after being called for back-to-back fouls in a 2-second span. The Warriors coughed up a 9-point fourth-quarter lead to lose 114-109 to the Memphis Grizzlies, a team that, prior to this season, they had beaten seven straight times. But last night, the Griz administered their first season sweep of the Golden Staters since 2005-06. Note also the Memphis scored 114 points (on 50 percent shooting) after being held to 66 in Portland on Saturday night. Said Don Nelson: "I'm not going to take questions because I don't want to get fined. We missed a lot of shots in the fourth quarter and they made a lot of free throws, and that's all I have to say."

Corey Maggette: Wait, what...head contusion?! Really?! According to FreeMD: "A person with a head contusion has a bruise to the head." So "Bad Porn" sat out with a bruised head? You know what that means...EPIC DOUBLE-FACEPALM.

Double facepalm

Lacktion report: The final race to the playoffs has not in any ray reduced Chris's laction workload:

Magic-Heat: Luther Head smartly spent 9:36 on the court tonight accruing a suck differential of +5 via two bricks (one from downtown), one giveaway and two fouls.

Bucks-Nets: Damon Jones has amped up his anti-game since being left off of the All-Lacktion roster, earning a +3 in 6:08 by tossing a brick from downtown, giving the rock up once, and taking a foul.

Grizzlies-Warriors: Marco Belinelli paid tribute to a fellow Italian who is well known in the video gaming community, notching a 15-second Mario for Don Nelson's squad.
The Steel Soundtrack: From Dan B: "The other day I was browsing the bargain CDs at Half Price Book & Music Exchange. (You know it's the bargain rack when the first CD you see is Creed). And what did I see plastered above it? Yep, Shaq in a goofy-ass metal outfit. (What his picture is doing hanging out next to Joni Mitchell, I don't know.)"

Steel CD

My favorite part is, if you look really closely, the top of the CD says: "Music From And Inspired By The Motion Picture." As someone who was unfortunate enough to actually SEE this particular motion picture, I can assure you that the only thing it will inspire is projectile vomiting.

Update! From Wild Yams: "Ah yes, the Steel Soundtrack. I too saw that movie, and I have to say it's way up there on the unintentional comedy scale. I don't think Judd Nelson's career ever recovered after that. Speaking of Shaq's musical career, from time to time I like to go check and see what his CDs are selling for over on Amazon because it's always good for a laugh. I see now that they've all been discontinued by the manufacturer, but you can still purchase them used; and they are priced to move, with none of them selling for more than $3, and with most of them going for one penny (yes, you read that right)."

What I find most amazing is that Shaq even released The Best of Shaquille O'Neal. And if the following review isn't proof that Shaq is, in fact, writing his own Amazon.com reviews, I don't know what would be: "As my thesis for my doctorate in Music Theory, I found this album to be a priceless treasure in the history of music. Never have so many lives been touched and so many artists influenced by such a piece of work. 2Pac, Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg, and Wu Tang all owe a debt to Shaq, the master of form and function. His arrangement of the notes and the Fu-Schnickens are incredible! He is on level with every (and I mean EVERY) classical genius in my studies." The best part: The reviewer, one blackmosesi2, supposedly hails from Salt Lake City. And I'm pretty sure it's against the law to play Shaq's music there.

The new Guitar Hero commercial: Just what I've always wanted to see: Bobby Knight in his underwear. I will now procure a spork and jam it without hesitation directly into my eyes. An exceedingly sarcastic and bitter "thanks" goes out to Evil Ted and AnacondaHL, who (presumably unintentionally) conspired to force this horror upon me not once but twice.


Todd MacCulloch, pinball wizard: Possibly the most depressing "Where Are They Now?" segment I have ever seen, and that includes the one in which Meat Loaf looked like an old, fat lesbian. Seriously, if he'd been wearing a sleeveless flannel shirt and singing something by the Indigo Girls, I would not have known it was Meat Loaf. The only Paradise by the Dashboard Lights he's seeing these days is the MoonPie he picked up at the Shell Station.

ANYway...here's the clip, from Chris via Can't Stop The Bleeding. Key quote: "I had some free time and found myself playing a lot of pinball and thinking, 'I must be sick, there must be something wrong with me, 'cause this is all I really wanna do...and it wasn't until later I realized I wasn't alone." And he's not. But, as you can see, sometimes being alone is the right choice.

Update! According to AnacondaHL: "That could have only been worse if we found some washed-up NBA player at a Magic The Gathering tournament, or playing Pixie Hollow competitively, or cosplaying the new Queen's Blade at some anime convention." Or maybe playing Pokemon with a group of 10-year-old kids he doesn't even know. But that really is about it.

Kobe Bryant: Mamba texted Todd just to tell him "Pinball sux" and then sent him a copy of the Steel Soundtrack.

Labels: , , , , , , , , , , ,

32 Comments:
Blogger chris said...
Normally, Luther Head's suck differential would be negated due to injury, except that it appears he spent plenty of time on court lacking it up BEFORE he got hurt (as opposed to a two or three minute pre-injury stint that accidentally qualified for lacktion). So, I think in this case it stands!

Blogger chris said...
And looking at MacCulloch now, physically he is a dead ringer for Meat Loaf these days! Yikes.

Anonymous Dan B. said...
Watching that MacCulloch segment last night was odd, to say the least. Whenever I laughed at it, I'd feel bad about myself. But then I'd hum a line of Pinball Wizard to myself and smile, so that much was nice.

And I think it goes without saying, but you know what? I'm saying it anyway: what the hell is wrong with Al Harrington anymore???

CAPTCHA: "likesses" I assume that's used in a sentence like MacCulluch saying "I likesses me some pinball," right?

Blogger Dunpizzle said...
Luther Head's injury is a blessing for the Heat's playoff hopes. Just check his atrocious playoff numbers

Blogger Trevor said...
What about the Utah Jazz? Losing two twenty point leads in sequential home games is pretty bawful. Although they did win those games, thanks to Al Harrington and Grant Hill...

Blogger Junior said...
is Oliver Kahn your favorite Goalkepper?

Blogger DNP-CD said...
I guess Kahn is Khan or Kahn. I really cannot imagine you mean O.K., Bawful?!? Though he was real good at it.

Speaking of McCulloch, I swear that only yesterday this name popped into my brain and I wondered where he was gone. But that you would pick him of all people to write about ...

Captcha: hates. Good, how about: Karl Malone.

Blogger Wild Yams said...
I was gonna say something, but after that Todd MacCulloch segment, I'm speechless.

Just kidding :)

Ah yes, the Steel soundtrack. I too saw that movie, and I have to say it's way up there on the unintentional comedy scale. I don't think Judd Nelson's career ever recovered after that. Speaking of Shaq's musical career, from time to time I like to go check and see what his CDs are selling for over on Amazon because it's always good for a laugh. I see now that they've all been discontinued by the manufacturer, but you can still purchase them used; and they are priced to move, with none of them selling for more than $3, and with most of them going for one penny (yes, you read that right).

Mr. Bawful, I'm glad you pointed out when Wilt started playing in the NBA to show how silly it is that people are making a big deal out of Dwight Howard breaking his "record". Like I said last week, IMO Wilt's most impressive record is his single game rebounding total of 55; so call me when Dwight breaks that record.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
No, you're not the 1st loser of pinball. Everyone's a loser of pinball.

That could have only been worse if we found some washed up NBA player at a Magic The Gathering tournament, or playing Pixie Hollow competitively, or cosplaying the new Queen's Blade at some anime convention.

Blogger skr said...
I got really f'ed up last night and thought I completely imagined the Todd MacCulloch "Where are they Now" segment.

I can't believe that is real, it narrowly tops the fact that Rick Smits now races mini dirt bikes professionally.

Anonymous hellshocked said...
World of Warcraft and Star Trek/Moral Kombat (?) references amidst all the basketball terribleness. Mr. Bawful, you've brought a tear to my eye.

Even Richard Roundtree's epic baddassitude couldn't save "Steel".

Blogger Andy said...
No mention of this shocking development?

http://www.nba.com/2009/news/03/30/hughes.ap/index.html

Blogger anne said...
Why is it that when players start selling their own line of cheap sneakers they go nuts? Granted Marbury was already a bit loco, but the sneakers put him over the edge. And now it's Al Harrington's turn. These fools should just stick to Nike and Adidas, LOL.

Also, I HAVE to bring this up even though it isn't related to the WOTN. It certainly is one of the most bawful things I've seen in a while, and I'm surprised it hasn't been mentioned here yet. Sasha Vujacic's website. It certainly needs mentioning here, if just for the photo gallery. I actually felt second hand embarrassment looking at the photos where he is being doused with water. It is just... well, let's put it this way, it's so douchey, that if you're a woman, your vagina will be sparkling clean after looking at it. But then you feel dirty again just because you know you visited his website. Just because of this, I think that the daily Kobe should be about Kobe terrorizing Vujacic instead of the son of Walton.

Blogger DNP-CD said...
Moral Kombat (SIC!) yeah, that's what's going on with AIG and all them ... Moral Kombat to death. All day. lol

Anonymous kazam92 said...
I could care less that we lost yesterday. The magic are good. Zo's jersey retirement was awesome. I'm only mad that mutumbo didn't make a speech

(word verification: gundi)

Anonymous Marc said...
I like pinball, and I like Todd MacCulloch. I hope the best for him in his future endeavours.

Blogger chris said...
AnacondaHL's Pokemon reference reminds me of this clip from that video game TV show X-Play...

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
chris:

Pokemon reference? MTG is MTG, and Queen's Blade is 2009's "Strike Witches", meaning if you ever meet someone who likes the show, either stab them in the face with a sharp knife or run far far far and fast in the opposite direction...

... do you mean Pixie Hollow, the Disney MMO? It's a horrible inside joke because my co-worker keeps mentioning how his 4-yr-old daughter keeps wanting to play it with him, and how his soul is slowly dying, so I ended up making a character just to ironically see how bad it is (everyone chooses stupid names like "Ashley Mapleleaf" and "Jade Snowriver", but obviously mine, "Oregano Dazzlesocks", just screams of pwning the other fairy n00bs).... and his description wasn't half as bad as what it actually is. Lets just say, I'm pretty sure the FBI has my IP address tracked now, and I keep getting invitations to "Fairy Parties" from either 50-yr-olds in sweatpants or Chris Hansen...

Anyways...

Oh wow I lost it at the Yu-Gi-Oh gang. That's video was brilliant. I'm probably biased since Yu-Gi-Oh is so much damn fun to make fun of, made so by the epicness of YuGiOh Abridged. Also, Bill Simmons totally jacked my fake Twitter post idea, so now if I do it it'll look like I copied him, dammit. A My-Bad failure as the Chief Internet Officer.

Blogger Basketbawful said...
chris -- Luther has stats we can't measure. Like Thetans and stuff. As for MacCulloch, well, he'd need a little more eyeliner to look as butch as Meat.

Dan B. -- Think about it. Al keeps getting shuffled around the various cellars of the NBA. He was a Pacer, then a Hawk (during that brutal 13-win season back in 2004-05 and the next season's 26-win campaign). Then he was a Pacer again, briefly, before being sent to Golden State for Mike Dunleavy Jr. He was an awkward part of the Warriors' resurgence, since Nellie jerked his PT around. Then GSW imploded and he got sent/sentenced to New York. Imagine standing in a huge pile of steaming poo and trying to step out of it only to realize that now you're in a puddle of vomit. Then you step away from that and onto a next of biting insects, so on and so forth. I think that would get to you.

Dunpizzle -- Hmmm...2007-08 Playoff PER = -6.8. Yeouch.

Trevor -- I gave the Jazz a free pass because they're really good despite being ranked 26th in salary, sandwiched between the Timberwolves and Nets. Feel the power of my arbitrary judgement!

Junior -- How did you know?! (He's a LUGE goalkeeper, right?)

DNP-CD -- "Speaking of McCulloch, I swear that only yesterday this name popped into my brain and I wondered where he was gone..."

ESPN needed filler. What's you're excuse for randomly thinking about Todd??

Wild Yams -- Agreed. Wilt's rebounding was phenomenal from the beginning of his career to the end. Lots of people like to argue that he was a product of the stat-padding era, but if that's the case...why weren't other guys snaring rebounds at his rate?

AnacondaHL -- Updated.

skr -- As lame as Smits' dirt biking obsession is, this is more than a narrow topping. It's a wide, chasm-like, porn star vagina gap.

hellshocked -- Sometimes I feel like this site is nerdy even for the Internets.

Andy -- No, no mention of it, as it actually makes the Knicks better. And it's not lame enough to make fun of, like Bad Porn's bruised head.

anne -- Oh wowsers. That will definitely spark a future feature. Maybe a running feature.

kazam92 -- I have never in my life achieved the fabled "I could care less that we lost yesterday" status. I always tell myself it'll be okay, but my team losing always ruins my day. How did you do it?

Marc -- Oh, I hope Todd does very, very well. I simply hope I never have to see him do it.

chris -- Hey now! The pokemon reference was my addition to AnacondaHL's reference. Credit where it's due is all I'm sayin'.

Blogger Wild Yams said...
Mr. Bawful, I love the new icon. Did you photoshop that yourself, or did an adoring fan do it for you? Kudos for the Dodgeball reference there :)

Blogger chris said...
Bawful - Hey, I got mixed up, but ANY excuse to post that XPlay Pokemon smackdown is a good one. :D

Anonymous Robb said...
I never imagined Bawful would know Oliver Kahn xD

I suppose the Suns wouldn't have missed the playoffs if Kahn had defended the rim for them. We all know Shaq can play for both in offense!!

Blogger Junior said...
Oliver Kahn was the starter goalkepper for the Germany soccer team during years, he retired after the 2007-08 Season, he played all his career for Bayern

Blogger chris said...
I guess Andrew Bynum is keeping busy in his current on-the-shelf state:

http://deadspin.com/5192537/it-looks-like-andrew-bynums-knee-is-just-fine

Blogger Basketbawful said...
Yams -- "Dodgeball" reference? No, no, no. That's me taking the bull by the horns. It's how I like to run my blog. It's a metaphor. But that actually happened though.

I'm glad you got that and I have to say, it partially renews my faith in the power of subtle movie references. I peppered one of last week's posts with "Talladega Nights" references and NOBODY said a word. It would have made me cry if Kobe hadn't destroyed my ability to do so back in the 2000 NBA Finals.

To answer your question, Evil Ted Photoshopped it for me.

chris -- Fair enough. :)

Robb -- Sadly, I bet that Kahn would have raised the Suns' defensive rating by at least 5 PPG despite, you know, not being an American basketball player.

Junior -- I actually do know who Kahn is, I was just teasing. Believe it or not, I was into soccer long before I took up basketball. I'm not super into it these days, but I have vague knowledge of the greats.

Anonymous AK Dave said...
"I'm glad you got that and I have to say, it partially renews my faith in the power of subtle movie references. I peppered one of last week's posts with "Talladega Nights" references and NOBODY said a word."

- I did notice your "little baby jesus" reference but did not mention it in the comments.

Your efforts may have gone unrecognized, but not unnoticed!

Blogger Headless Chicken said...
So you could tell me who I mean when I say that in my youth I had to play the keeper ALL the time (and by that I mean ALL THE TIME) and thus was a fan only of keepers in a soccer crazy country not spelled e.n.g.l.a.n.d. and above all: Köpke! You know, goal keeping makes one rebound prone in basketball. I ended up being a fan of? Yeah right, Rodman. And played like it.

Besides that, to complete the refernce days of all here, maybe you see a fit for these two:

"You are an excellent tactician Captain. You let your second in command attack, while you sit and watch for weakness."

and

"You will never win!" (Actually, this is super-bawful. Like, the Generals have been "Kahn-ed?")

Captach: porde. No. I'll stop here!

And Bawful: fka as DNP-CD I have absolutely no excuse but: total exterior mind control.

Blogger Junior said...
I get it, well
Since I'm brazilian, soccer is the major for me

Blogger Wild Yams said...
Mr. Bawful, unfortunately I kind of tired of Will Ferrell prior to Talladega Nights, and as such only watched that movie once, so my awareness of any references to that movie would be extremely limited (personally I prefer John C. Reilly's other NASCAR movie). My Dodgeball awareness, however, is quite high, so I knew not only where that picture came from, but of course its significance to you and your new blog :)

chris - Yes, supposedly Andrew Bynum's knee is feeling quite good lately. He has an interview up on his website where he says he's playing 2 on 2 and 3 on 3 ball and is just waiting for the Lakers to return from their roadtrip before going full 5 on 5 scrimmages. Supposedly there's some talk he might actually be back playing in a Laker game as early as this weekend.

Kevin Garnett's knee, on the other hand, is not feeling so good.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
@yams
i hope he does come back soon. the lakers look really lethargic on the court and definitely need something to pick them up

Anonymous Flip said...
WOTN march 31
The Thunder are 3rd in the west according to NBA.com, but they are "Eliminated from Playoffs contention"
http://i39.tinypic.com/33w4pzo.jpg

Blogger tonious35 said...
I'm Canadian, and I was wondering what happened to that ol' Canuck Todd. At least Todd Mac still has his sense of humor, but holy mother of Beluga, he is heading into dangerously fat territory, it makes Shawn Kemp look like he did Jenny Craig. With $20+ million and not over spending on really stupidly expensive stuff, I'd sure let loose on myself as Todd did lol.

Links to this post:
Create a Link