I'm blatantly stealing this from theangryt.com and their list of the worst sports related video games of all time, but this is too good not to post here, as this is definitely the height of Basketbawfulness. Before today I'd never even heard of four of these games (Shaq-Fu being the lone exception, cause who hasn't heard of that?), but these games have everything. From crime fighting using a basketball, to playing basketball in the future using robots, to using "neo-shekels" to purchase "relics from the days of b-ball" like a Reebok sweatband, these games left no basketball stone unturned. These all come from an era in sports marketing thankfully forgotten (or sorely missed for the unintentional comedy, you decide), in which sports stars would allow their names to be attached to horrendous video games, even if they had little to do with their sport. Since I've never played any of these, here are the five worst NBA video games, in no particular order:

Shaq-Fu - We're probably all somewhat familiar with this one: a bad Street Fighter II rip-off in which Shaq goes mano-a-mano using his "Shaq-Fu" to kill one baddie at a time. From the Wikipedia page for the game: "In the game's storyline, O'Neal wanders into a kung fu dojo while heading to a heavily emphasized charity basketball game in Tokyo, Japan. There, he stumbles into another dimension, where he is forced to rescue a young boy named Nezu from the evil mummy Sett-Ra." Also from the Wikipedia page: "Shaq Fu is often cited as one of the worst video games of all time." Hey, if it's on Wikipedia, it must be true, and that's why it's included here.




Slam City with Scottie Pippen - Unfortunately I can't find any clips of the actual game being played, there's just the below video of the game's intro which bears an awful lot of resemblance to the opening credits to In Living Color, complete with the Fly Girls. Wikipedia points out the following about this game: "A unique highlight in Scottie Pippen's career is that he himself performed the theme song for the game."



Bill Laimbeer's Combat Basketball - I really wish I could have been there when they came up with the idea for this game, cause whatever they were smoking was clearly some good stuff. Here's the setting: "The game predicts a science-fiction version of the year 2030 in which there are only robot basketball players (excluding Bill Laimbeer). Basketball teams play in gruelling league matches where new players are bought and sold (like in the Premier League of English soccer). Within this future, basketball uses a dedicated robot to perform the toss up at the start of each match as referees had been fired by Bill Laimbeer sometime prior to the year 2030. As a result, players now wear armor to their games and weapons are thrown from the audience." So the idea for the game is that Bill Laimbeer effectively killed basketball? Odd he'd want to attach his name to such a game.




Barkley, Shut Up and Jam: Gaiden - And you thought the premise of the last game was weird? Check this out: "The game takes place in a post-cyberpocalyptic New York called 'Neo New York', after a 'chaos dunk' causes the death of millions.

Twelve years prior to the game, Charles Barkley, in an attempt to impress his son Hoopz Barkley, performs a Chaos Dunk -- and inadvertently kills almost everyone present. As a result, basketball was made illegal and nearly all great players were killed in 'The Great B-Ball Purge of 2041' (a.k.a 'B-Ballnacht').

In 2053, another Chaos Dunk rocks Manhattan, killing fifteen million, and the blame falls on Charles, who is believed to be the only human capable of performing the Chaos Dunk. With the help of the Ultimate Hellbane, Charles escapes his pursuers: the B-Ball Removal Department, led by ex-NBA all-star Michael Jordan. Charles follows Ultimate Hellbane through the B-Ball Catacombs to the tomb of LeBron James, discovering that the Ultimate Hellbane is actually Balthios - the Octoroon great grandson of LeBron James. James contacts Charles from the B-ball dimension, offering him a warning which tells him to 'seek the Cyberdwarf.'"

And that's just the beginning. The plot summary goes on forever and just gets weirder and weirder. Here's a look at the game play:




Michael Jordan: Chaos in the Windy City - Fairly pedestrian in comparison to that last game, this one simply featured Jordan roaming the streets of Chicago using a basketball to fight crime. Here's the full description: "The game played much like other 2D platformers of its time, collecting keys and defeating enemies with a variety of different techniques. The player controls Michael Jordan on a quest to save the rest of the players for an All-Star charity game, who have all been kidnapped. The player attacks enemies using different basketballs, each with its own ability; for example, the freeze ball can freeze the ground and create a slippery surface, the bomb ball makes a large explosion, and so on. The player must find keys throughout the game to unlock different doors and rescue teammates. Michael can also slam dunk for a secondary attack. This is also used to activate powerup baskets and various checkpoints along the way." Note that like Shaq-Fu, this game makes sure to mention a charity basketball game. I'm guessing the inclusion of said charity games was a stipulation for allowing the game makers to use Jordan's and Shaq's names on these games.


28 Comments:
Blogger Rob Mahoney said...
Barkley: Shut Up and Jam: Gaiden isn't a real game, it's a modded ROM. But, it is 100% awesome.

Blogger Latin_D said...
I'd found the Barkley game some time ago. It was fanmade, so the comedy was intentional, but the Chaos Dunk was still priceless.

And the boss fight with MJ, too. You should look it up.

Anonymous Jai said...
Combat Basketball!!!

I played that game for hours...

What is wrong with me.

Anonymous Jack said...
I actually still own a copy of Combat Basketball. Years and years ago, my brother and I loved that game. It's probably still the best basketball game I've ever played, except maybe old school NBA Jam!

Blogger chris said...
Is it me, or does Bill Laimbeer Combat Basketball look approximately like the level of bricktasticness we will see with the All-Lacktion Game?

Blogger Buck Nasty said...
*Looks at results of Suns' last game.*

*Looks around for another listing of NBA scores, thinking it was a joke*

*Starts laughing hysterically after realizing that the score is accurate*

*Starts crying, can't stop even to breathe*

*Finds gun*

*Kills self*

How many Suns fans felt this? I'm gonna say all of them.

Anonymous Mads said...
"That was no head-butt. That is nothing. . . . If I do a head-butt, I break all of his face."

Does this Nene-quote about Luis Admunson remind anyone of anything?

Hint: It should!

Blogger Robert Runyon said...
Shut Up and Jam Gaiden is one of the greatest sports games ever made. Absolutely brilliant. The Michael Jordan boss fight is incredible.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
Speaking of videogames, OH DEAR BAWFUL LORDY

Remember the first Guitar Hero commercial with Kobe and crew? WELL THSI IS JSUT WHAT I WANTED TO SEE.

(misspellings left intentionally to portray my feelings at the time of this post).

Buck Nasty: Oh, I thought that was assumed, that this isn't actually AnacondaHL, but his dead spirit posting since I've obviously killed myself 3 times over by now.

Blogger Buck Nasty said...
We'll make it Condy. Some how we will make it.

Blogger jim said...
the suns game murdered my soul and his family, burning the house down and salting the fields so that no happiness can ever grow there again. decades later, as the events of that day grow into folk legend, the inhabitants of surrounding villages will whisper stories of the evil spirits responsible for such destruction, and their children will wake up screaming of a goateed monster chasing them in their sleep, a devil so shaggy and scrappy that even the bravest fear to speak his name aloud. as generations pass, and the villages adapt to the demands of participating in the evolving global economy, the legends will fade, remembered only in the pages of dollar-store paperbacks, in sleepy campfire stories, and in the vestigial link between a mild curse word and its etymological origin: NOCH.

Anonymous Lamrock said...
Barkley: Shut Up And Jam: Gaiden is actually an excellent game. Got a lot more enjoyment out of that than say, NBA Live 09.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
youve most likely seen this already since you write for deadspin (i think), but its gotta be worth some mention. dwight howard dancing to beyonce: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l9S5obiI7_8

funny stuff but super gay...not that theres anything wrong with that of course

Anonymous Anonymous said...
heres the barkley, shut up and jam: gaiden game in case anyone was interested: http://forums.selectbutton.net/viewtopic.php?t=11760

Blogger hijacktheparade said...
There's some gameplay footage of Slam City in The Angry Video Game Nerd's Sega CD video. It looks ridiculous.

Blogger Dunpizzle said...
Random worstie.... you can't make this stuff up

http://dimemag.com/2009/03/dont-live-next-to-kirk-snyder/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jAhIWHGQYBg

Anonymous hellshocked said...
I seem to remember Gamepro magazine, which I would read religiously as a kid, giving both Chaos in the Windy City and Shaq Fu positive reviews.

Think any of their editors were on the Nike payroll?

Jordan didn't allow for his image to be used in NBA Jam. I don't think Shaq did either. Why settle for being a part of an awesome gaming franchise, after all, when you can get mediocre and terrible solo outings respectively which nobody will buy and will be used solely as punchlines for years to come?

Anonymous Dan B. said...
hellshocked - just for the record (because someone might find it marginally interesting), Shaq DID show up in the original arcade version of NBA Jam on the Magic before they lost the rights to his name and image. Same basic deal with Charles Barkley. Then they realized they could license their likeness for mediocre to terrible video games featuring their picture on the box cover.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
How the double hell is Barkley Shut up and Jam Gaiden on the list of worst basketball games ever? It is hilarious and awesome!

Blogger Murcy said...
but we wil strike back from hell!!! after all, the san antonio sterns refuse to die season after season... suns forever FTW!

Anonymous carlodj said...
It's bad enought that Shaq-fu and Chaos in the Windy City were horrible games, but they denied fans of having Jordan and Shaq in actually awesome NBA games like NBA JAM (once ported over to the consoles). Losing Jordan wasn't as painful, because you could still play the bulls as Pippen and Grant, but the same can't be said for Orlando: Skiles and Nick Anderson. *vomits in mouth*

Anonymous Bandito said...
Charle Barkley shut up and jam isn't a modded ROM it was a game made on game maker 7, so look it up. Also the same game was released last year dudes.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Shut up and Jam is a really great game, you could've chosen sooooo many worse NBA games... Like how bout any of he commode ever produced out the anals of EA?

Blogger Mintz... said...
I can buy Laimbeer playing professional sports in the year 2030 with robot referees... and Charles Barkley being the only human alive able to perform the almighty Chaos Dunk...
but common now... Shaq doing double front flips and round house kicks to the face... RIDICULOUS.

Bonus humour: my word verification is "failest" ... i think that sums up shaq-fu.

Blogger Jake said...
"Barkley: Shut Up and Jam: Gaiden isn't a real game, it's a modded ROM. But, it is 100% awesome."

Yes it is a REAL game, because its programmed from scratch with Game Maker, it is in no way a rom.

Very awesome game with a surprisingly compelling story, one of the best RPG's I've played in a while.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Wow, MJ travels in that game almost as much as he did while in the league!

Anonymous Anonymous said...
How is Dick Vitale's "Awesome Baby" College Hoops not on this list?

Blogger Luiz Paulo said...
Well, Barlkey Shut up and Jam is now having a sequel:

http://www.rockpapershotgun.com/2012/11/14/barkley-shut-up-and-jam-gaiden-getting-a-sequel/#comment-1131921

And i really loved the first one

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