Nobody farted, J.R. You guys just stink.
The Suns versus the Mavericks: My oh my how things have changed. It seems like ancient history now, but does anybody remember when the Mavs and Suns were tearing up the league just two seasons ago? Their two-team regular season tour de force climaxed in an epic double-overtime showdown on March 14, 2007. Dirk Nowitzki finished with 30 points, 16 rebounds and 6 assists, but Steve Nash showed him up with 32 points, 16 assists, 8 rebounds. More importantly, Nash scored 10 points in the final minute of regulation, capped by a game-tying 3-pointer with 2.7 seconds left. Honest-to-goodness, that was The Game of the 2006-07 season. The regular season, anyway. But, as everyone knows, the Mavs got upset in the first round of the playoffs by the Golden State Warriors, while the Suns got knocked out by the San Antonio Spurs thanks to some untimely suspensions.

It's been all downhill from there.

Both teams have fallen from being the class of the Western Conference to fighting for table scraps at the bottom of the playoff contender dog pile. And last night's 112-97 stinker was yet another reminder that what was once so amazing is now just an awkward, fumbling heap of mediocrity. It's like watching two over-the-hill porn stars making the beast with two backs. I literally couldn't make myself watch the game for more than a few minutes at a ime. Every time I turned it on, something I saw pissed me off. Like as Shaq's lumbering in the post/clogging of the lane. At one point, I flipped to the game and saw Amare Stoudemire blow a dunk and then, on the very next possession, watched Nash dish a turnover on a pick-and-roll. I blacked out at that point and woke up covered in blood with somebody's finger in my mouth. Best not to ask questions.

And kudos to Terry Porter for killing the transition game in the name of defense. The ne attitude sure is working out, isn't it? Dirk blew up on them for 39 (and might have had 50 if the game hadn't been a blowout). Dwyane Wade wacked 'em for 43 and Devin Harris spilled 47. Said Porter: "We haven't done a good job of taking the challenge and guarding their guys. There's no doubt we'll get better." No doubt, Terry? No way. I have doubt. Lots of it.

After last night's game, Nash said last season "feels like six years ago" and added "Right now, we're in a dark place." Thoroughly depressing stuff.

Amare Stoudemire and the Phoenix front court: From Wild Yams: "Amare needs to probably get a mention for tomorrow's WOTN for his 5 rebounds tonight. At least he didn't have more fouls (5) or turnovers (4) than rebounds tonight, but it was damn close. Just like yesterday though, the whole Phoenix frontcourt deserves to be taken to task. For the second straight game, Matt Barnes led the Suns in rebounds (with 6), and Shaq and Amare combined for only 10 boards in 59 minutes of playing time. Not only were they outboarded by Shawne Williams, a SF off the bench (12 boards in 26 minutes), but also by one of Shaq's favorite targets for ridicule: 'Erika' Dampier (14 boards in only 25 minutes). If the Suns keep this up they're gonna finish near the bottom of the league in rebounding; and it's tough to imagine a team that is routinely led in boards by Matt Barnes making the playoffs."

I couldn't agree more, even if you'd managed to insult Kobe in that paragraph of woe. However, you omitted a few important factoids. Like how Stoudemire had FOUR of his shots blocked. Or how Shaq took the previous night off so he'd be fresh for the Mavs game...then shot 1-for-6. Oh, and let's not overlook the fact that Stoudemire -- who regarding Terry Porter's edict that the Suns improve on defense said "We wanted this" -- was the guy defending Nowitzki. If you can call "standing around listlessly just kinda hoping Dirk would miss" playing defense. Seriously, I could not have been more disgusted if Amare showed up drunk at my house and threw up on me.

Robin Lopez: Two words: Four trillion. Another wasted draft pick for the Suns. Too bad they didn't take, say, Mario Chalmers or Ryan Anderson or George Hill or Luc Mbah a Moute (sorry, make that Jean Luc Richard).

Al McCoy, the human pain pill: Basketbawful reader Clifton let's us know how McCoy -- the "Voice of the Suns" for 620 KTAR in Phoenix -- helped him get through last night's debacle:

Re: The Suns, and wheels becoming dislodged. Tonight they had both Nash and Shaq... wonder what the excuse will be this evening? I saw elsewhere that Robin Lopez trillionated tonight. Sigh.

I was listening on the radio at work, and midway through the third quarter, when Dirk Nowitzki scored his 36th and 37th points, Al McCoy dropped this gem (not verbatim, but close): "Novinsky inside, and he scores! Wow. 37 for Novinsky tonight. I tell ya, Tim, it sure seems like the Suns catch a lot of these players when they're having career nights lately," speaking to color 'analyst' Tim Kempton. Tim mumbled some response about bad luck.

First of all, Al has always called Nowitzky "Novinsky." Shrug. But moreover, I've been listening to Al McCoy call Suns games since I was in the womb. On the surface, sure, that SEEMS like a Captain Oblivious statement. However, Al can get bitingly sarcastic when things aren't going so hot for "the Purple Gang," and his tone and timbre change just ever-so-slightly when he's being this way. The above statement was one of these references. S'why I love Al McCoy. He's as big a fan as the rest of us schmoes, and manages to find a loophole in his professionalism to vent his frustrations. I got it; Tim Kempton didn't.

You can also tell when he's making a comment about the officiating -- usually after the Suns have been boned repeatedly in that department -- right when an official is in front of the announcers' table (when they're courtside, anyway); he raises his voice a little and enunciates more clearly, as if speaking to a retard. He'll suddenly change track right in the middle of a thought and blurt out, "But you know, Tim, the Suns have only been to the free-throw line four times tonight...while The Jazz Have Gone Fifteen Times...THAT'S QUITE A DISCREPANCY."

Seriously. Al almost made tonight's game bearable. Almost.

And your comments almost got me through it too. Almost.

Denver Nuggets: Yes, Chauncey Billups has made them better. No, they are not contenders. I'm glad we've gotten that out of the way. Now, to let you know how our readers feel about it, here's Sam Sung: "Alright, I just got done watching the first half of the Nuggets-Spurs game. I think it should be a rule, if your team is down by 20 points you should automatically have to boo. Also, does George Karl ever call a timeout? We were down 18 points and the camera zooms to Karl and he is at his usual spot...on the bench. I think George Karl is the only paid fan in basketball. I don't want my ball club paying for someone to sit in their chair and watch a game. The game is about to come back on and I'm sure Karl never left his seat." Speaking of George...

George Karl, excuse machine: "To me you had a very angry team, a very mad team and we were a happy team. Arrogance, cockiness, happiness, contentment, they're all different, there are very thin lines and tonight we probably thought we were a little bit better than we were and we got embarrassed. Not embarrassed, but we got beat." No, Karl, you were right the first time: You guys got embarrassed. At home, no less. But at least your team is happy. They've got that going for them.

Chauncey Billups, stat curse machine: After the Nuggets extincted the Raptors, Mr. Big Shot said: "Throughout the season you usually get two or three of those games. Unfortunately, you usually get two or three on the other side, those games where nothing really works." STAT CURSE. After his team got it handed to them by the Spurs, Billups said: "I might have talked it up on us, I don't know. That was an ugly game. Games like that you have to wash them off in the shower and just forget about them as soon as possible. They picked us apart. They just outplayed us all over the place." Scrub hard, Chauncey. Scrub hard.

Kenyon Martin: Owned. Owned. Owned. Let me say it again. Owned. As Raza put it: "Since K-Mart said after the Nuggets beat the injury-ridden Spurs the classic quote "I don't let Tim do what he wants to do. Never have and never will," I was hoping you guys would bring up Duncan's stat line tonight (21 points, 12 rebounds, 7 assists, 5 blocks, and a steal) to go with that idiotic quote." Consider it done, Raza.

Mike Dunleavy: Maybe he's just bitter, or maybe he's trying to draw some attention away from his awful coaching, but Dunleavy called Dwyane Wade a cheater the other day. No, really. "His ability to carry the ball right now, he's getting away with that," Dunleavy said. "He [carries] left to right, right to left, but he just does it fast so nobody sees it, I guess." And I guess the Clippers are doing so well this season that Dunleavy can take time off from coaching to campaign against the D-Wade Palming Menace. Thanks for working so hard to make the world a better place, Mike.

Channing Frye, quote machine: From Basketbawful reader Brian S: "This quote was so funny it threw me into shock. I was unable to laugh or even respond with anything other than a open, gaping mouth. From Oregonlive, regarding the Blazers loss to the reviled Boston Celtics:

In the second meeting, Feb.24 at the Rose Garden, the Blazers built a 17-point lead in the second quarter only to see it turn into a 19-point deficit that ended in a 112-102 loss. "It was like being at a club and being with [the] baddest chick in there," Frye said. "Then you turn your head and she's gone. It's like, 'Dang, I should have had that! I should have done this or done that.' Because we had them. But I think everybody feels that way. That's why they are the world champs."

"There you have it. Channing Frye is a man's man in that he equates winning basketball games to hooking up with hot chicks at clubs." Yes, Channing certainly is a MAN-type man...even though, to me, that loss was more like an elementary school bully getting beaten up and having the lunch money he just stole from someone get taken away by a high school bully.

Jalen Rose: Basketbawful reader Geert noticed that Jalen thinks Tony Parker is the best point guard in the league. Which has no merit in my eyes, since TP isnt' really a PG at all; he's a tiny SG who handles the ball for the Spurs. And anyway, Jalen's argument is pretty lame: It's pretty much "Because he's on the Spurs." As Geert said: "Isn't that a bit like saying Brian Scalabrine is the best forward because he plays with the Celtics?"

Basketbawful reader Mark G: I received an email yesterday with a subject line of "Luke Walton minus the stalker." Inside was the following unusual request:

Dear Mr. Basketbawful,

I would like to be included in the 'Worst of the Night' section. WHY? Because I just realised I'm the second coming of Luke Walton.

I'm white, I have no range, I'm a small forward but my coach is letting me play UNDERSIZED PF like Luke, my father was WAY better than me (and still is while he's 35 years older), I barely average a point a game and on a positive note, I'm also thinking 'pass-first.'

But to make things worse than Luke's situation: I'm from Belgium, I'm never getting a ring, I'm playing MORE than Walton (but still have the same per-game averages!) and, oh yeah, did I mention that I have to pay to play instead of getting paid to sit??

I never thought I was going to say this but I wish I had a (ugly) stalker like Luke just to make me feel important.

Thank you for reading this.

Wow. Well, congrats, Mark. You're an official Worst of the Nighter here at Basketbawful. If you ever get a trillion, please send me the box score so I can post it. And I'm even going to give you a nickname: The Belgium Waffle. You rock! (But not really.)

The crazy, crazy world in which we live: This is supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year, right? So explain to me why some poor kid had to escape from the couple who had imprisoned and tortured him for a year. Or why some dude posing as a baby sitter used a couple's two-year-old in a porn film. Or why Boy George of all people was sentenced for handcuffing a male escort to a wall and beating him with a chain because the guy wouldn't sleep with him. Or why a Florida man assaulted his girlfriend with a cheeseburger. Or why an Arizona man felt the need to attack a speed camera with a pickaxe. Or why Tina Turner had to take a huge, steaming poo all over my awesome Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome memories by appearing in concert as Aunty Entity. Oh yes she did.

Gak. At this point, I'd rather sleep with Master Blaster.
Update! Kobe Bryant: He had plans to steal Birdmas. Fortunately, that's impossible.

Labels: Dallas Mavericks, Denver Nuggets, fan submissions, Kenyon Martin, Phoenix Suns, San Antonio Spurs, Tim Duncan, Tina Turner, Worst of the Night