The most common complaint leveled against this site by the various anti-me critics out there is this: "Did you even watch the game?" I have been asked that question, or some variation thereof, hundreds, maybe even thousands of times. In order to clear up any future confusion, here's the answer: Yes, I did in fact watch the game. It doesn't matter what game you're talking about, I watched it. I find time to eat, drink, commute into and out of Chicago, work my full-time Clark Kent job, manage two blogs and write the occasional post for Deadspin, play in pickup leagues two or three nights a week, run, bike, work on increasing my vertical leap, have a social life, help the elderly across the street, put out forest fires and watch every single NBA game every night.

I know, I know. I'm amazing. You don't have to tell me. I live this life.

Now, you're probably wondering how I manage to do all that without the aid of a Dr. Horrible-style Freeze Ray or a time-traveling DeLorean. Well, it's like this: I exist on what you'd call a "limited sleeping schedule." Basically, I nap for 20 minutes here and there, every couple days or so. This means that those rare free moments when I have the chance for a little shuteye are drastically important. And that's why I'm asking you, dear readers, to consider donating one of personkind's most ingenious inventions: The Vertical Bed.

Asleep. Yet standing up. And looking cool while doing it.
And here's the full description:

Vertical Bed is a sort of static prostheses that allows a person to fall asleep in a standing position. By bolting into cracks between the sidewalks, subway grates, or other rigid contact points, the suit will support it’s wearer with a minimum of visible hardware or occupied space, holding the sleeper’s weight with concealed harnesses. One-sided privacy will be achieved through noise canceling headphones and double-mirrored sunglasses. Additionally, an umbrella will clip in the rigid infrastructure for shelter. The project is designed for the visual performance of an alternate way of occupying urban space, born partly out of fantasies of minimal need and elegant futurism, and partly out of fears of the dehumanization of space. Occupants will absorb the vertical structure of urban architecture into their bodies.

The vertical sleeper is in a constant state of readiness, never succumbing to collapse. Homelessness is most often marked by the forbidden act of lying down on the sidewalk, an act that the vertical bed circumvents. The vertical bed will imply a streamlined, rather than failed, infrastructure. All of the components of the bed will store beneath a suit and within a business-person’s briefcase, using the proliferation of autonomous consumer devices to achieve a more true autonomy. By hiding in the open, the vertical sleepers forgo even the need for a phone booth to enact their super-hero transformations, in a sense, absolving themselves of the need for secret identities.

Stand-up sleeping, social change and superheroics. Need I say more? Well, I will anyway: The Vertical Bed can be stripped down and stored in a suitcase...which means that, as long as your feeble arms can carry a medium-sized piece of luggage, a short nap will never be more than several minutes worth of complicated construction away!

It also transforms into a crime-fighting robot.But, uh, some assembly is required.

Labels: Christmas list, crazy inventions, vertical bed