Most people are aware that first year (and second year, and third year...) college students often experience significant and sometimes dramatic weight gain (typically referred to as the freshman fifteen). Now let's assume that you're a parent who's sending a child to college for the first time. Would you want this man feeding that child?

fat magic 2
(I know: Yikes, huh? And I didn't even use the worst picture I found.)

Well, that's what's happening at Florida A&M University, where Magic Johnson is turning a popular student-dining facility into -- wait for it -- Subconnection Magic. According to The Famuan:

The location, formerly known as the Orange Room, will have two new eateries built on the foundation set by the Orange Room. "The Grill 155 will have an expanded menu from what was previously in the orange room," said Terry Woodward, general manager of University Dining.

"FAMU has been selected as the first university to partner with Magic Johnson on this new concept," Woodard said. "Mr. Johnson is very excited about the partnership and looks forward to being a part of its grand opening."

Anitra Dufresne, a senior health information management student from Ft. Lauderdale, said she thinks the new dining area is going to be the new campus hang out spot. "Why would people want to sit in the sun or in the rain on The Set, when they could sit in the orange room with their friends, eat and beat the heat?" Dufresne asked.
Indeed. Why would college students want to sit outside, suffering in the loathsome sunshine and hatefully fresh air, when they can huddle under acne-revealing halogen lights and let Magic Johnson slowly but inexorably transform them into quivering, sloshing ham-beasts?

Subconnection Magic will cost whoever pays for these things around $900,000. In case you're unfamiliar with numberomatics, that's almost one million dollars...which may sound like a lot of money for a glorified cafeteria, but there's some big-time bang for that buck: SM will feature multiple flat screen TVs (with subliminal messaging that will drive students into an eating frenzy), additional seating (for those soon-to-be super-sized asses), longer operating hours (because gob-stuffing takes time), and "excellent customer service" (think Oompa-Loompas, only serving burgers and fries in addition to delicious candy).

And, regardless of all the bells and whistles, you just know that the food will be good. Because if there's one thing Magic Johnson knows -- other than the cure for AIDS -- it's eating. The grand opening of Subconnection Magic is scheduled for January 2009.

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13 Comments:
Blogger KneeJerkNBA said...
He even married a woman named Cookie.

Blogger PaulieDanger said...
So sad to see one of your heroes grow chesticles.

Blogger Stu Holdren said...
Sadly he still appears to be in better shape than me, so I will refrain from commenting in further detail!

Anonymous Anonymous said...
It's always impressive to see someone gain weight with aids.

Anonymous sturla said...
Say what you want about him, but Larry Bird still looks way worse.

Anonymous AK Dave said...
He kinda looks like Butterbean's black twin.

Anonymous My arvydas said...
That's a bit off-colour, I think. I mean, the guy's got AIDS. We should be grateful to see a chunky Magic instead of a dead Magic or a wizened, KS- crippled, agonizing Magic.

Blogger Five Pound Bag said...
One thing he didn't pass - dessert!

Blogger Nate Jones said...
You guys realize that many HIV medications have weight gain listed as a side effect. I know he still works out, so that might have something to do with it. Magic takes Kaletra: http://www.kaletra.com/consumer_healthy_magic.cfm

Other Kaletra Side Effects: http://www.pdrhealth.com/drugs/rx/rx-mono.aspx?contentFileName=Kal1581.html&contentName=Kaletra&contentId=286

"Some patients taking HIV medications find that their body fat gets redistributed. They may develop a fatty "buffalo hump" on their upper back, suffer breast enlargement, and gain weight in the abdomen. At the same time, they often lose weight in the face, arms, and legs."

Blogger Pico said...
He's an inspiration to us all. To do sit ups. I'm gonna do a set of 20 right now.

Pico

Blogger Basketbawful said...
Nate Jones -- In the immortal words of Colonel Jessup: "Don't I feel like a fuckin' asshole?"

Anonymous Anonymous said...
I have worked in health care settings with AIDS patients believe me that nate jones and my arvidas are correct. It is heartbreaking to see people wither away. But strangely people get large weight gains due to medications and complications

Anonymous Anonymous said...
He gained the weight because of the edema from AIDS.

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