Ray Ray

Dear My Jump Shot,

Hey, baby. It's me. Your wittle itty Walter Ray bear. It's been so long since I've seen you, baby. So damned long.

Look, I don't know why you walked out on me or where you went. Maybe you're rotting in a dumpster somewhere in Dorchester or Roxbury. Maybe you're chained in a dark basement, all wearing a leather hood and getting regular colonoscopies from some dude named Zed. I don't know. I kind of hope it's one of those two things, because I'd hate to think you left me on your own. Your brutal death and/or abduction and torture would sure make me feel a lot better about myself.

I know times have been tough. I don't stroke you as often as I did in Seattle. I know that. But Baby, times change. We aren't 19 anymore. I can't be strokin' you 20-25 times a night. But those 10-12 times, well, they're quality. Hey, it's more meaningful when you've got to cherish each one, you know?

Look. I'm gonna put it all on the line here. I need you. I need you now more than I ever have. I heard KG and Truth talking when they thought I was going through my pregame routine for the fourth time (little did they know I had already gone through it twice before they even got to the Garden). They're considering kicking me out of The Big Three. Kicking me out! Is that what you want to happen? Would that make you happy?

Don't do this to me, baby. Don't do this to us. Come back. Please.

Yours, body and soul,

Ray

P.S. I had some dude named "Buck Nasty" take this picture. As you can see, I'm wearing that sweater you got me for our 79-month anniversary.

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22 Comments:
Blogger Marcus said...
Coldblooded. Spot on mate!

Blogger Silly Bitch said...
I'm choking... absolutely brilliant!

Blogger Justin said...
Dear Ray,

I'm sorry I have to break it to you this way, but really, I think it's best to be honest after all we've been through.

I'm leaving you.

Actually, I left you. For Jason Kapono. Before you say anything, yeah, I know. He'll never be the player you were, he'll never be able to carry a team, he'll never really be able to actually dribble, but man! Have you seen his hair? The moment I did, I was infatuated. Every morning I'd wake up with you, ol' balding RayRay, a little past his prime and I'd fantasize, Ray, I really would. I know I should have said something before I left but I didn't want to hurt you. I hope we can remain the best of friends. I'll invite you to the wedding.

Sincerely,
Kapono's Jump Shot

Anonymous Nick F. (Buck Nasty) said...
I can only hope that picture helps Ray Ray give Detroit an early exit in these playoffs.

The crowning achievement of my life.

Blogger Marcus said...
Well anytime Ray Ray feels down, he can go watch that bball movie he made about college ball. That part where they just hand you willing white girls that want to sex you - ya sure.

Keep on chuggin mate!

Anonymous ticktock6 said...
I laughed out loud at,
"I heard KG and Truth talking when they thought I was going through my pregame routine for the fourth time (little did they know I had already gone through it twice before they even got to the Garden)."

Blogger Wild Yams said...
You know, I don't think I can continue coming to this site till you admit you have a strong anti-Celtic bias. Expect some death threats over this one, dude.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Dude, quit talkin' shit about the Spu- oh, wait, never mind. Sorry... kneejerk reaction! (hahaha)

Seriously though- HOW could his J be so broken? I used to watch him play in Seattle and everybody who has EVER seen him play uses the same adjective to describe his game- smooth. Ray Allen has the most buttery smooth jumpshot I have ever seen in my life. His form is a thing of beauty- how can this be happening?

Can you imagine waking up tomorrow and not remembering how to ride your bike? That's what this is like. It's not natural! He's clanking WIDE OPEN shots that he has nailed in the clutch his whole career.

Who IS this guy and what has he done with Ray Allen???

Blogger Marcus said...
@ Wild Yams:

The celtics suck, and are endorsed by the nba and made to win by the refs.

You're prolly another typical fan who says ya i been watchin since the early 80s when in reality just started watchin in 08

band - wa - gon

Anonymous Anonymous said...
how weak is the East? Ray Ray has no J but the Celts are right in line for the Finals. just like Cleveland last year. all-right! can't wait for some more 78-75 Eastern Conference Finals scores!

Anonymous Jaz said...
It must be the wrath of God, which is a good sign for Celtic-haters.

Blogger Shrugz said...
it's called a virus and Larry Hughes has infected Ray allen with his "suckieshotitis" lol

Blogger eljpeman said...
First LBJ, and now Kobe's getting some groin love as well! Got to snatch this off the Y! Sports NBA front page before they changed it.

http://img132.imageshack.us/img132/2769/kbtpmanlovesm0.jpg

They make a nice pair actually. When Mamba's erm... mamba spits out its venom, TP can go clean it up.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Is that Jauque Vaughn with the 4e12?

Anonymous Anonymous said...
A quick question, i was semi-watching the post-game of the Lakers-Spurs game and i caught a part of a comment by Reggie.
Did he say that the only player that could shoot better than him was Drazen Petrovic?
I heard him mention him, and i heard Kenny say "wow" but i didn't really hear the whole thing. It was after Barkley said that Reggie could shoot better than Bird.
Anybody catch it, because that would be absolutely awesome.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
http://www.latimes.com/sports/basketball/nba/lakers/la-sp-lakers22-2008may22,0,7965650.story

that is just wrong!!

Anonymous Chinoy316 said...
Is it okay if I use the picture of Ray Allen's dead jumpshot for friendster? Brilliant letter by the way.

Blogger Wild Yams said...
Clearly what Ray Ray needs is to catch his ride to the game tomorrow with Big Time Willie so he can get an earful of sage advice and get his shot back.

Marcus - You're right, my bad. It's just that sometimes all the cheap potshots you see taken at my beloved Celtics on this here site sometimes make my blood boil and my temper gets away from me. Mr. Bawful, consider my death threat rescinded.

Anonymous Emma said...
Man love submission:

http://d.yimg.com/a/p/sp/getty/7a/fullj.fe6466a258a9bae64a90b9fdc9321883/fe6466a258a9bae64a90b9fdc9321883-getty-80391821ng029_spurs_lakers.jpg

You GOTTA write about this one. You just gotta. I don't even care if you forget to credit this time :D

Blogger Justin Sane said...
Hey bawful...

My fucking company blocked all of Blogspot because they are "Personal Websites." What the fuck?!

Also, I miss Ray Allen's jump shot. But as long Rasheed Wallace's jump shot is MIA, I can live without it.

Blogger Basketbawful said...
chinoy316 -- Sure, go ahead.

Yams -- Whew. I was one step away from witness protection...

emma -- That will definitely be going up on the site.

justin sane -- Dude, I didn't know you were employed by the Nazis. How's that working out for you? And yeah, that's a good tradeoff, I think.

Anonymous Dunpizzle said...
If you ask me he's on fire. Being a Rockets fan, i had to watch Luther Head shoot 7%.

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