Knicks

Houston versus Atlanta: Who knew 20 in row could make me feel so nauseous. I already described this nightmare once...and I'm not sure I have the iron will necessary to do it again. So here's another take on it from Matt (via email) at Hardwood Paroxysm: "7:10 in the third. 43-43. Rockets shooting 28%, Hawks shooting 33%. Scola goes up, gets blocked. Goes up again, miss. Misses the tip. Misses the tip. Misses the tip. Dikembe grabs it. Goes up. Misses it. Is fouled. Rafer Alston drives, goes baseline, runs out of room. Jumps, goes nowhere underneath the basket, and somehow manages to underthrow on the pass to a guy under the basket. It's like watching paraplegics play tether-ball. Make it end."

Jeremy Richardson: A mere 9 seconds of playing time. He must be the new Mario West. (Mario got 7 minutes and 37 seconds. Go Mario!)

Al Thornton: I like this kid. I really do. But I don't like the fact that he scored 17 points on 24 shots. I like my big men to be like my high-priced call girls: Fast, efficient, and discreet. Or the first two, anyway.

Dwight Howard: Mr. Butterfingers had 7 turnovers (to 1 assist) against the Clippers. It was Dwight's 14th game this season with at least 5 turnovers. May I suggest some Stickum?

New York versus Miami: I didn't think a Knicks/Heat game could possibly be any harder to watch than it did in the mid to late-90s. Hoooooo-boy, was I ever wrong! Ricky Davis and Mark Blount combined to shoot the ball 35 times. That's pretty much all I have to say about this one.

The Trade Gang: Paging Mr. Hollinger, Mr. Hollinger to the front desk please. Here's what the "new guys" did for the Cleveland Cavaliers last night: Ben Wallace had a DNP-CD (back spasms). Delonte West scored 5 points (1-for-3), dropped 2 dimes, and lost the ball 5 times. Wally World was 3-for-8 from the field, and 0-for-2 from The Land of Three. Joe Smith scored 5 points (2-for-6) and had 7 rebounds. Update: And, as Basketbawful reader Coonejrj4 reminded me: "Don't forget, Joe Smith also managed to give up an offensive rebound to the always hard-working Vince Carter off a free throw late in the game that essentially locked up the game for the Nets." Remember, that trades was a "big time win" for Cleveland. Just sayin'.

Sasha Pavlovic: Welcome back, Sasha. I think that Mike Brown was hoping for more than zero points (0-for-3) and a turnover, though. But I'm sure you'll get your rhythm back. Pretty sure.

DeSagana Diop: He was the hidden gem in the Kidd trade, but the Nets are still waiting for him to shine. Last night: 2 points, 2 rebounds, 1 assists, zero blocked shots, 2 personal fouls. This situation kind of reminds me about how Ike Diogu was the hidden gem in that Pacers/Warriors trade last season. And we all know how that's turned out. (Actually, nobody follows the Pacers anymore, so you probably don't.)

Seattle SuperSonics: They got routed so thoroughly that Boston's Big Three each played only 25 minutes or less, and everybody on both teams got some PT. Even Donyell Marshall and Francisco Elson. (They combined for 4 points on 2-for-8 shooting.)

Sam Cassell and P.J. Brown: You can't spell "veteran" without "old." Actually, you totally can, but that's not the point. These guys are creaking louder than the Tin Man before Dorothy lubed him up. (A combined 9 points on 4-for-13 shooting.) Brown you can kind of understand, because a few weeks ago he was watching NBA action from what I'm assuming is a large, luxery sofa. Sam-I-Am has been playing all season, hasn't he?

Detroit Pistons: That home loss to Philly was kind of inexplicable for a team that everybody and Bill Simmons thinks is going back to the NBA Finals this season. Here's hoping their Playoff Alarm goes off a few weeks early.

Kevin Ollie: Thanks, Kevin. I haven't handed out a one trillion in a while.

Craig from The Association: This is just a little good natured ribbing. But we were exchanging emails yesterday and he was pretty hard on the New Orleans Hornets. Seems he doesn't think they're really a "top team" in the West, despite the record and despite the fact that they've beaten every other Western Conference playoff team at least once. Well, if last night's 25-point spanking of the defending champs doesn't convince him, nothing will. (Unless they beat the Lakers on Friday.)

The San Antonio bench: They contributed 12 points on 6-for-27 shooting, 4 rebounds, and 4 assists. And those numbers were split up among seven guys. That's what I call the opposite of depth.

Utah Jazz: They scored 114 points - including 40 in the first quarter - on 52 percent shooting and had 30 assists (to 12 turnovers) and still had to rally to beat the Bucks in Milwaukee. Why do the Jazz struggle on the road? Do they miss their teddy bears that much? What's the deal?

Bobby Simmons: He crawled back into the starting lineup and then slithered back into his dark hole after only 13 minutes. This is probably because he scored zero points (0-for-3) to go along with 2 boards, 2 assists, and 2 turnovers. Oh, and 5 personal fouls.

Darko Milicic and Jason Collins: These big men combined for a sum total of zero points on 0-for-3 shooting in about 30 minutes of PT. But we know how mighty the Nuggets are on defense...wait...they gave up a season-high 12 points to Brian Cardinal...

Denver Nuggets: They gave up a season-high 12 points to Brian Cardinal.

Update!! Elgin Baylor: The Clippers found a replacement for the recently bought out Sam Cassell. And his name is Smush Parker. Wooooow. Well, I guess the Clips finally got a former Lakers guard, but I'm pretty sure this isn't exactly what Donald Sterling originally wanted. Basketbawful reader Wild Yams, who drew my attention to the signing, said: "Are the Clippers trying to get Elton Brand to opt out this summer or something?" It makes you wonder...

Update!! Bruce Bowen: Congrats on 500 consecutive games played, Bruce. I also like to celebrate special occasions by kicking Chris Paul while he's on the ground. What a coincidence. Dick. (Thanks to the mighty Farfa, who kicked my butt for not including this earlier.)


Bizarre and passive-aggressive complaints: We recently received what may be the strangest letter in Basketbawful history. Here's one version of it. In case you don't have eagle eyes, you can go here to read a larger version. Now, I don't know Tank McNamara, I've never spoken to him, and I have no idea why he has a beef with our site, but I think his complaints are groundless and, frankly, pretty lame. So yeah, I think we're just gonna ignore this one.

Cease and Desist

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28 Comments:
Blogger Wild Yams said...
Elgin Baylor should be included in here somewhere for signing the freshly waived Smush Parker to take the place of recently bought out Sam Cassell. Are the Clippers trying to get Elton Brand to opt out this summer or something?

Anonymous Kyle said...
that letter is hilarious. they've copy written word ballons AND laker-hating. what's left?

Blogger Basketbawful said...
wild yams -- Thanks, dude. The post is updated.

kyle -- For me to shrivel up and die, I guess.

Blogger flohtingPoint said...
My co-writer over at Horsetooted.com was at that NY vs Miami game. Price 6 rows from the court? 50 bucks.

That home loss to Philly was kind of inexplicable for a team that everybody and Bill Simmons thinks is going back to the NBA Finals this season.

Yea, Bill finally realized his jinx (and it only took him three consecutive years of losing to his WIFE at fantasy football). That's the best estimation as to why he'd predict the Pistons, when you know every night he pleasures himself to sportscenter clips of the Celtics before curling up with his Paul Pierce body pillow and "stabbing" it repeatedly.

Blogger Basketbawful said...
flohtingpoint -- Horsetooted??! Sorry. I know it's HorseTOOTHED.com, but that made me laugh. As fart humor always does.

Wow. 50 bones? Ouch, Knicks. Ouch.

Simmons probably has one big "orgy room" filled with body pillows of Celtics past and present. I just know it.

OpenID Cooneyrj4 said...
Don't forget, Joe Smith also managed to give up an offensive rebound to the always hard-working Vince Carter off a free throw late in the game that essentially locked up the game for the Nets.

Blogger flohtingPoint said...
Ah, good old Horsetooted. I miss those days from when we were a subsidiary of flatulatingFilly.com and theMustyMare.net. Simpler times they were...

Like everything else in my life, I'll go ahead and blame my spelling debaucheries on The Big Manatee.

Anonymous Shrugz said...
AHAHHA if that was written by anyone associated with a law degree he should be fired have his licensed revoked LOL

no mention of TJ ford and his poor imitation of Kobe/Lebron taking over a game?

Blogger Basketbawful said...
cooneyrj4 -- Well met. The post has been updated.

flohtingpoint -- Thank you. That made me laugh.

shrugz -- I did't get a chance to watch that game. I did just look at the play-by-play...yeah, dude was gunning. I'll try to add this one to the post...

Anonymous Anonymous said...
I wonder what "appropriate steps" he will take before insulting you?!

You know, now that I think about it, you might want to get that list from him, just to be sure you're following all the appropriate steps before insulting the NBA's Finests...

~LJ

Anonymous Kevin said...
...The letter's clearly a joke. Have you even seen a real legal document before?

Anonymous Anonymous said...
I see your Spurs's bench and raise you the Hawk's bench.

0-10 FG
4 Points
6 Rebounds
2 Assists
4 TO

Granted, the Atlanta's did play significantly less minutes than San Antonio's (probably half), but at least the Spurs didn't shoot 0% from the field.

Blogger Basketbawful said...
LJ -- There are, apparently, rules to the use of various comedic devices. I never knew.

kevin -- I know that. Mostly because we, that is, Basketbawful, created the letter as mockery for some mockery that had been passive-aggresively aimed at us.

anonymous -- Wow. You certainly have a point there...

Anonymous Anonymous said...
"Simmons probably has one big "orgy room" filled with body pillows of Celtics past and present. I just know it."

I'm not sure how that's any worse than your Reggie Miller fist dildo...

Blogger Basketbawful said...
anonymous -- You are one sick freak, you know that? And for your information, it's a masturbation sleeve, weirdo.

Anonymous Farfa said...
Mr. Bawful, how could you have left out the alive-and-kicking (mostly, kicking) Bruce Bowen?

And I was wondering... how did Bruce Bowen make it to his 500th and counting consecutive game, without being suspended at least once? I mean, have you seen the Bruce Lee Bowen kick to the face of Wally World?

Blogger Basketbawful said...
farfa -- My mistake. Corrected, now, thanks to you.

Anonymous Farfa said...
You're welcome. Your wish is my command (that sounded man-lovish, I guess... so I'll throw in some nasty macho comment).

Itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka dot bikini!

Ow, not quite I had in mind.

Anonymous Shrugz said...
I never see how Bowen can get away with what he does
all players should do that
lift their arms up and use their legs

Anonymous Rainbow Bright said...
The Heat and the Knicks are so bad, even Oregon State can beat them in a basketball game. Which by all accounts is pretty sad. In fact, the league should remburse the fans for setting through that crap @ MSG, and offer on the side 5bucks a pop for a kick to the man reigon of one Isiah Thomas.

Anonymous Wormboy said...
I wonder if there's a montage of "Bruce Bowen's greatest fouls" out there somewhere. Seriously, what the **** does it take for the NBA to crack down on this guy? A career ruined? It turned my stomach when watching him guard Nash last weekend; it was one single, slow motion foul whenever Nash was on offense. Are they really fooled by that innocent "who, me?" look Bowen has perfected? My freakin cat has a more convincing "who, me?" look when he knocks a glass off the counter.

Anonymous Sturla said...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xn6xcY752B0

Mutombo rules

Blogger Shrugz said...
I guess they sympathize with him cuz without him the refs are public enemy no.1 LOL

As a conspiracy theorist I am I've JUST come up with one

NBA needs all the sterotypical personalities you'd see in a pick up game and since we already have floppers, ballhogs, the SUPER player, the taller guys who can't rebound, the pseudo-PGs, the one player on each team that's dominates.
all they needed was the old guy that poked, proded, was a general annoyance, and somehow he thinks he never fouls(in this case doesn't get called for one).

Anonymous nick sincere said...
Tank McNamara is a lame comic strip that runs in the sports section of some newspapers.

Do you kids call it getting punked or getting pwned?

Blogger Elliot Cole said...
Al Thornton isn't a big man, he's a wing. (Unless you meant relative to your average Joe, in which case he's a freakin giant).

Not that anybody's watching. Not that anyone cares. Just doing my best to be an over-editing prick.

Blogger Boney said...
long time reader... first time commenter... love the site! I'll hang up and listen to your response.

Blogger Basketbawful said...
rainbow bright -- "Hit Isiah In The Man Region" night would be a big hit at MSG, I'm thinking...time to call the Knicks' promotion department...

wormboy -- Matter of fact, there is. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aFvk4qHkT10

sturla -- He sure does.

shrugz -- I'd say that Bowen is the Ric Flair of the NBA, but he's not quite that good. Maybe he's more like the Brooklyn Brawler. Maybe Repo Man. Or Doink the Clown.

nick -- We call it punkpwned. Trademarked it and everything.

elliot cole -- He's not a center, or a seven-footer. But he just mixes it up and plays BIG, you know? I mean, people called Barkley a big man, and he was only 6'5". For me, it's a little bit about size, and a little bit about how you play.

boney -- Thanks for the callout, dude.

Anonymous Shrugz said...
http://myespn.go.com/blogs/truehoop/0-31-50/Bruce-Bowen-Suspended.html

THANK YOU NBA

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