KG and Ted

The San Antonio Spurs: Everybody always talks about what a competitive bastard Kobe Bryant is, but what about those Spurs, huh? They must have seen the video I posted of Zach Randolph's poop stew of a possession and said, "You think that sucked, Basketbawful? Well, we're going to show you craptastic suckitude on a grand and historic level. And then we'll win anyway." And I'll be damned if they weren't as good as the words I imagined they said. The defending champs scored five points -- five points!! -- in the first quarter, setting new franchise lows in points, field goals made (1-for-17), and field goal percentage (6) in a single 12-minute session.

Fun fact: The Spurs' previous low in points for a quarter was eight, which they most recently had on Christmas Day in 2005 at Detroit.

The Atlanta Hawks: When you hold your opponent to five points on 6 percent shooting in the first quarter, you're probably well on your way to a nice, easy win. Unless, of course, you are the Atlanta Hawks, who have been snatching defeat from the jaws of victory since 1968. And make no mistake: This loss was a group effort. The Hawks shot 33 percent as a team and committed 22 turnovers. All-Star Joe Johnson hit only 5-of-12 shots and threw the ball away 6 times. Mike Bibby couldn't throw a ping pong ball in the ocean (1-for-11). Josh Smith shot 2-for-12 and lost the ball 8 times. Mario Williams scored a one trillion. Say it with me once again: They are who we thought they were.

Marquis Daniels: A woman was allegedly raped at Daniels' home during a "small gathering." According to the police, Daniels is not a suspect. Said Daniels: "I don't know what happened. I wasn't involved." He wasn't involved in a small gathering held at his own house? What, did a roving band of criminals break in and decide to throw a rape party? I doubt it. Brawls, shootings, more shootings, mascot assault and battery...am I the only person who's tired of seeing random Pacers in the Indianapolis police blotter? Or am I the last Pacers fan alive? Anyone out there? Anyone? Bueller?

Travis Diener: I'm not going to going to mention the whole "name rhymes with wiener" thing -- oops, I mentioned it -- because the real issue was his 2-for-10 shooting performance. What, the Pacers miss Jamaal Tinsley so much they replaced him with sombody who shoots even worse? Diener's hitting 33 percent of his shots on the season. He's only hit 50 percent of his shots once in 10 games this month, and he's had nights of 2-for-8, 1-for-7, 2-for-8 again, 1-for-7 again, 2-for-6, and 3-for-9. I thought white guards were supposed to be able to shoot. That's what they do, right? Shoot?

Andrea Bargnani: His 25-point discharge against the Knicks had me a little worried. I thought I was going to lose one of my favorite human dartboards. But, again, he is who we thought he was: 2 points (1-for-5) and 3 turnovers. Not his worst game by any stretch of the imagination, but it merits Worst of the Night mention since it immediately followed so many foolishly raised expectations.

Kirk Hinrich: Captain Kirk set his phaser to "suck" last night, scoring zero points (0-for-2) to go along with 2 assists and 3 turnovers in 11 minutes of playing time. Oh, and did I mention he got tossed near the end of the first half for arguing with referee Monty McCutchen that a loose ball was knocked out of bounds by Jason Kidd. Getting yourself ejected when your team is up by 30 is kind of stupid, but getting thrown out when your team is in a dog fight against a good team on the road is [puts on Bill Walton hat] selfish, irresponsible, self-aggrandizing, and just plain terrible.

Luol Deng: He scored 10 points on 3-for-9 shooting, which isn't the strongest case for Worst of the Night status, until you consider that John Paxson absolutely refused to trade for Kevin Garnett, Pau Gasol, or even Kobe Bryant if Deng was to be included in the trade. How'd that work out for you, Pax?

Bill Simmons: The man who consistently loses out to his wife on NFL picks bashed the Jason Kidd trade because Kidd can't shoot (5-for-7 last night), can't get to the hole anymore (3-for-4 on layups), can't make things any easier for Dirk (29 points, 10 rebounds), and Jerry Stackhouse is washed up (23 points, 7-for-11). Good calls, one and all, Bill. Sure, it's only one game, and it was against the Bulls. But still...

J.R. Smith: He faked Chauncey Billups out on a crossover and drew a foul with 6.5 seconds remaining and the Nuggets down by two. Then he went and gonked both freethrows and the Pistons went on to win 98-93. Hey, maybe the Detroit fans distracted hi...wait, what? They were playing in Denver? Never mind, then. Said Smith: "I feel awful." No. You feel basketbawful. Edit: My bad, guys and gals. Basketbawful reader Andrew correctly informed me that the Nuggets were down three when Smith got fouled on a three-point attempt. Smith made the first 'throw, boned the second, then intentionally missed the third. It is, nonetheless, still awful.

Marcus Camby: While I'm dissing on the Nuggets, let's not forget Mr. "I shoulda been an All-Star" Camby, who shot 1-for-8 last night. He was 0-for-1 on layups and 1-for-7 on jumpers. Only one of his shots -- the layup -- came in the paint. He's a center, right? Thinks he should have been an All-Star center, right? Okay. Just checking.

The Los Angeles Clippers: You know what? Forget it. They've been through enough.

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21 Comments:
Anonymous Andrew said...
Last Pacer fan alive? Well, there are at least 2 of us, but I'm not sure how much longer I'll be one at this rate.

Blogger stephanie g said...
Minor typo correction: "Bill Walton had."

"And make no mistake: This loss was a group effort." Thanks, that made me choke on my soda a little.

Marquis Daniels had a rape party? I'm a semi-not really anymore kinda sorta Pacers fan and I live in Indianapolis but I didn't hear about this. I think this cements the idea you can't trust guys with crazy hair.

Blogger Justin said...
For the record, J.R. Smith went to the line for THREE free throws with 6.8 seconds left with his team down by THREE. He made the first, but clanked the second, which caused him to intentionally miss the last, which almost resulted in a tying tip by Kenyon Martin or Carmelo Anthony, but that also rimmed out. . . Yes, he should have made all THREE of them, but once he missed that second, they had little choice in the matter after that. . .

Blogger bj said...
How many 29 and 10s has dirk had sans-kidd? How many of those 29 were Kidd assists? How untelling of Kidd's play is dirk's line?

Put every sports writer's envy of Simmons in the bbawful hall of fame.

Blogger Basketbawful said...
andrew -- As a brother from another mother, I feel your pain.

stephanie g -- Thanks. Corrected. You live in Indy and weren't invited to Marquis's rape party? You must be sane, then.

justin -- Gotcha. Corrected.

bj -- Dirk's saying a lot of good things about playing with Kidd. And he's had four very strong games since Kidd got there...and, in case you didn't notice, Dirk's been in the midst of a below-average, up-and-down season (for him). Also, I'm pretty sure not "every" sport's writer is envious of Bill Simmons. Have you seen the guy? Heard him? I envy his paycheck, sure, but other than that I'm pretty content to not be Bill Simmons.

Blogger Wild Yams said...
In Bill Simmons' defense, he was all in favor of the Suns Shaq trade. Oh wait...

Anonymous Shrugz said...
I agree I like his job/paycheque (that's how we spell it in canada)

anyways YAO'S OUT!! OMG!! who had feb 26th???

in all seriousness I feel bad for the guy can't help it he's 7 6
300+ lbs so naturally more injury prone than most people

however, acquiring an equally injury prone star in T-Mac was even stupider on management's part

Blogger anne said...
I like the Kidd trade, but they have played three crappy teams in a row, so I expected the Mavs to win with or without him. Regardless, he's been impressive.

I hope he kills the French Flopper on Thursday. I don't mind the Spurs and actually love Timmah and Manu, but Tony Parker makes me want to choke a bitch.

That said, at least it is fun to watch the Mavs with Kidd - they (esp. Dirk) looked pretty damn miserable for a while there.

Anonymous Farfa said...
Maybe I missed some points, but why do ho hate so much on Bill Simmons?
I have to admit he's not that funny anymore, but sometimes he has that spark of genius many other columnists lack... Though I have to say for sure you, HP guys, Empty the bench and Kelly Dwyer sure don't.
Still, I can't find an explanation for all this hating on The Sports Guy.
I, for myself, can hate that much Andrea Bargnani AND Sam Mitchell (who can't find a way to make him produce... that's somehow bad). And that's it.

Anonymous Sun Devil said...
I'm just completely perplexed as to how the Bulls got so terrible within one year. What happened to that automatic jumper that Deng had?

As a note on the Celtics, can somebody decode what Doc Rivers meant when he said it was a "professional win" against the Clips?

Blogger flohtingPoint said...
Ditto on the "Bill Simmons envy". If I was a professional writer and was half the homer he is, I'd hope to God that one of my fans would do the decent thing, and by decent thing I mean killing me and leaving a Bible next to my head...

...

...

...

Aw cmon, it cant STILL be too early to make Chris Beniot jokes.

Blogger Basketbawful said...
wild yams -- Yeah. Now, mind you, in BS's defense, sports writers are supposed to have strong opinions about everything and take a definitive stance on everything. But it's always a crap shoot. Hey, maybe he's right about Kidd/Shaq, maybe he's not. We won't know until after the season...and not even really then, considering how history is kind of being rewritten about Shaq's time in Miami.

shrugz -- The Yao injury just makes me sick. Like you, I feel real pity for Yao. He probably suffers from gigantism disease, although he's never been officially diagnosed, which means his body will rebel on him year after year after year until he's forced into an early retirement or a drastically reduced role (like, say, Bill Walton). What makes it worse is that this seems to happen every time the Rockets start to look really strong.

anne -- My biggest gripe with the Mavs is that there was no ball movement, just five guys running isolations and one-on-one plays 70 to 80 percent of the time. Kidd will change that. Is it the best trade they could have made, in terms of winning a championship? Maybe, maybe not. But it's a great business decision. It makes them better, it gives the team and the fan base hope, and it brings a legend and former Mav great back to Dallas. What's not to love about that?

farfa -- I don't hate The Sports Guy. But it's true that he's started to annoy me the last few years. It began back in 2004 or 2005 where he couldn't write a single football column - and he did at least one a week - without taking a pot shot at Peyton Manning. Mind you, I do the same thing to Kobe, and that makes me a hypocrite, which I'm okay with. Also, Simmons got pulled into the swirling vortex that is my hatred for the New England Patriots, since he's like their biggest fan. Again, it's not necessarily rational, but those are my reason's for not liking him all that much.

And hey, hating Bargnani is like hating a retarded kid. It's not his fault he sucks so bad.

sun devil -- Deng got distracted by contract talks over the summer and he took two steps back, skill-wise. Sure, he's been injured, but he was playing poorly before he got hurt. If you want to progress and develop in the NBA, you have to train like a madman over the summer. It sure doesn't look like Deng did that. And it looks like Hinrich and Gordon have hit their respective ceilings.

"Professional win" means that Doc had to pay for the hookers after the game, but only if the team won.

Blogger Basketbawful said...
flohtingpoint -- It is NEVER too early for Chris Beniot jokes. Or Ultimate Warrior jokes. But then again, I do one shot of Yukon Jack for every time I het the snooze button on my alarm clock, so I'm not the best person to ask about whether it's "too early" to do anything.

Blogger Basketbawful said...
Random question: Why is it that criticizing or disagreeing with somebody famous is always considered "hate"? What, I can't disagree with Simmons or call him out without hating him?

Anonymous Shrugz said...
I like when people call out writers

sometimes you sense a little bit of arrogance in their writing and you just have to LOL they asking for it!!

*COUGH COUGH* 19-0 column he wrote BEFORE football playoffs started
I was cheering for the pats to do it up until I read that column (and various other things) and decided SCREW THEM they deserve to lose

Blogger Wild Yams said...
Count me in the "you weren't hating on Simmons" camp. I like the guy's column, and read it very regularly, but that doesn't mean that parts of it don't make me either totally question whether he knows what he's talking about or seethe with rage (OK, he never makes me that angry, but you get my meaning). You can disagree with him without being a "hater". For instance, if you're a Lakers/Yankees/Colts fan, are you automatically a "hater" cause you're bound to disagree with a lot of what he writes? I think not.

Blogger flohtingPoint said...
Bleh, embrace the hate Basketbawful. It's like my Mom always told me, "Jimmy, the poop goes in the toilet, not your pants," or something along those lines.

Anonymous Al James said...
I read his Shaq article until he insinuated that "As Good as it Gets" was better than "The Departed". I mean, what is this bullshit? He's actually wrong on EVERYTHING!? How is he doing this?

Blogger bob said...
I used to read Bill Simmons sometimes but I promptly gave it up after he did the comparison between whether the '86 Celts or the '08 Pats were the greatest team ever. That stuff made me vomit and then choke on my own vomit. Then I added "Bill Simmons" to my fantasy "to kill" list.

Anonymous optimusprime said...
The reason I read BSimmons, and Basketbawful, come to think of it, is because, even though I don't always agree with either of them, they loves the basketball.

Blogger Alex(andra) Cavnar said...
I'm so sad for the rockets right now, just as things were starting to not look so shitty............

Bill Simmons can kiss my ass by the way.

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