WotN - Doh

Memphis Grizzlies defense: Were they even trying to stop the Mavs last night? Dallas shot almost 54 percent from the field and nearly 42 percent from beyond the arc, and they outrebounded Memphis 47-33. In Memphis. Look, I know it's depressing to play for the Grizzlies, but come on now. You're all professionals. Well, sort of.

Darko Milicic: The Serbian Scarecrow submitted a signature performance against the Mavericks: 2 points (1-for-4), grabbed 5 rebounds, and committed 4 personal fouls in 23 minutes. This probably isn't the last time I'm going to have to say this, but take note anyway: When people expect a player to have a breakout year for six straight seasons, chances are that player will never, ever have a breakout year. Well, unless he's Hedo Turkoglu.

Mike Miller: I didn't forget about you, Mike. The 3-for-10 shooting could maybe be overlooked, but the +/- score of -26 -- which is a team-worst, by the way -- sticks out like a sprained left pinky finger.

DeSagana Diop: This guy has just about fallen out of Avery Johnson's rotation. He played only 7 minutes last night, second fewest on the team next to Maurice Ager (see below). Even Devean George got more minutes. That's something worth crying yourself to sleep over.

Maurice Ager: Cha-ching! That's a one trillion for Mr. Ager.

Denver Nuggets defense: Defense? What's that? Yup, it's just waiting to get back on offense. The Nuggmeisters did their best to impersonate the French in WWII by surrendering 117 points on 50 percent shooting with nary a sign of defiance. Or defense. One problem was that the New Orleans Hornets are actually pretty freaking good. Another is that...

Marcus Camby: A lot of people are campaigning for Camby -- the reigning Defensive Player of the Year -- to be named as a reserve on the Western Conference All-Star team. He had a chance to prove he was worthy of the honor last night, particularly since he was facing off against one his his primary competitors in Tyson Chandler. Well, Chandler used Camby like a jock strap on his way to 10 points (4-of-5) and 16 rebounds (8 of which were offensive). Not only did Chandler outrebound Camby 16-5, he matched the output of the entire Denver front line. Meanwhile, Camby struggled on defense (1 blocked shot, no steals) and forgot how to score on offense (3 points, 0-for-5).

Tim Ducan's handles: TD singlehandedly kept the Spurs in the game last night, but somebody must have replaced his talcum powder with Vaseline. Because 7 turnovers (to 2 assists) in one game? That's kind of a lot. And whatever butter-finger disease Duncan contracted must have been contagious, because the Spurs turned the ball over 20 times and only dished out 11 assists. That's not the 2-for-1 ration you want.

Tony Parker: Eva Longoria finally admitted to something that everyone who follows the NBA already knew. No, not that Tony Parker has a very small penis (although that's true too). The dude totally fakes fouls and injuries. Gee, I'm so very shocked. Remember in last year's playoffs when Parker obliterated Steve Nash's nose with his bulbous head? I mean, Nash's poor beak freaking exploded, yet he just stood there and took it like a man while Parker was writhing around on the court in totally bogus agony. Last night, TP played like the little girl he is, scoring only 5 points on 1-for-7 shooting and committing 4 turnovers.

Michael Finley: These days, when Finley walks by, you can actually smell the formaldehyde. And I've gotta tell you, the rigor mortis is affecting his shooting: 2-for-8 last night and 19-for-54 in his last seven games.

Jarron Collins: This guy is like the Western Conference version of Jason Collins. Which I guess makes sense, since they're related or something. The seven-footer spent almost 10 minutes on the floor last night, yet failed to score a single point (0-for-1) or snare a single rebound. He did commit 1 foul though. Strangely, he had a +/- score of +9, which is yet another example of why I don't trust that stat.

Los Angeles Clippers defense: The Charlotte Bobcats prowled their way into the Staples Center and shot almost 57 percent (and 44 from three-point range). Not the Suns, the Bobcats. Mind you, Charlotte was 3-13 on the road heading into this game. Now, granted, the Clippers were without hideous center Chris Kaman, the league's third leading rebounder and shot ejector, but that's no excuse. The Clippers were just flat out bad. Hey, when Billy Crystal leaves the game early, you know something is very wrong. It's not like he's out filming City Slickers III first thing in the morning.

Brevin Knight: Aren't the Clippers just thrilled they signed this guy over the summer? Talk about your season savers! Knight played 15 minutes, scoring zero points (0-for-1), snagged a rebound, tossed out a couple of assists, and threw the ball away twice. I take particular delight in pointing this out because some dork actually emailed me in the offseason and said, I quote, "The Phoenix Suns would be just as good with any competant point guard. They'd win 60 games with Brevin Knight starting at point guard." Whoever you were, if you're reading this, can you please tell me how those words tasted? Salty? Bitter?

Tim Thomas: How can I criticize the guy, you ask? He totally stepped up his game in Chris Kaman's absence, scoring a season-high 29 points (13-for-23), grabbing a season-high 13 rebounds, and handing out 5 assists. Hell, he even blocked a shot! But this bothers me because Thomas could do this all the time. Okay, okay, not all the time. But he could bring a lot more to the table on a nightly basis than he does. Which has always been the case for him. But he only wakes up once or twice a season to submit a fantastic "What If" performance. What a waste.

Don't forget! There's more Basketbawfully goodness at Deadspin. Key word: NBA Closer.

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17 Comments:
Anonymous manic said...
Yes!! Finally, the truth comes out about, not about his unit, that Little Girl Parker fakes his fouls against him. It doesn't surprise me, he is a Spur. Im just waiting for Ginoboli's boyfriend to come out and declare the same crap on Manu, oh wait, we see it everytime he plays.

Some of the players in this league should just take their Euro-trash basketball back to where they came from and let the real men play.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Wow. There are so many mistakes on this post. Let's see. Brevin Knight "tossed out a couple of rebounds", whatever that means. Chris Kaman is that hideous "shot ejector". And of course "whatever Duncan caught must have been catching". And I'm not too sure of what to make of the previous sequence TD single-handedly kept the Spurs in the game last night, but somebody must have replaced his talcum powder with Vaseline. Because 7 turnovers (to 2 assists)?"

Bravo, Basketbawful. Sure glad to see that new Deadspin gig isn't killing your proofreading prowess. Maybe in your next "Worst of the night", you can say "Basketbawful: the dude seems to have lost all command of the English language. Look at yesterday's post (insert the above mistakes). There probably would have been fewer grammatical errors if he had outsourced the writing of that post to someone in India. Nice going with the proofreading."

On a strong note: the post on Tim Thomas. Here' a Knicks fan what-if: what if we had never traded Keith Van Horn for Tim Thomas. That's right. I actually am regretting trading friggin' Keith Van Horn (Keith Van Horn!) for that dead weight. Wow.

Blogger Five Pound Bag said...
If there's one thing Eva knows, it's bad acting.

Anonymous 80's NBA said...
Poor Tony Parker...

Why didn't Eva just come out and admit she fakes it every night too.

Blogger Basketbawful said...
manic: Agreed, on all counts.

anonymous: Thanks for your comment! I haven't gotten the chance to call someone an "idiot" lately, so this is a refreshing change of pace.

First: "Tossed out a couple rebounds." Oops! A typo! It should have been assists. Man, gimme a second to wipe the egg off my face...

Second: Chris Kaman is, in fact, hideous. If you can't see that, you don't have eyes. "Shot ejector" is just another way to say "shot blocker." Seriously, was it really that hard to figure out?

Third: It gives me real, physical pain to have to explain this, but I was inferring that Duncan might have caught some form of turnover malady, and that malady must have been contagious, because all the Spurs were throwing the ball away. Have you ever "caught" a cold? Have you ever heard of something being "catching"? It's in the dictionary. Of the English language. Seriously, look it up.

Fourth: "Because 7 turnovers (to 2 assists? That's kind of a lot." Have you ever heard of this amazing linguistic device known as a "rhetorical question"? And hold onto your brainpan, but that, too, was a rhetorical question.

So sure, I was guilty of a typo and a few ideas that could have been explained more clearly. But "lost all command of the English language" is pretty hyperbolic, even for this site. But hey, it sounds like you're a Knicks fan, so I can't totally blame you for hating the world and everything in it. Hate is all you have left (at least until Isiah leaves, or dies).

five pound bag: Seriously.

Blogger Tonewise said...
"Shot ejector" ala the "look away pass",

(Leo Rautins still can't say "no look pass" but we all know what he means...)

Blogger Tonewise said...
clearly u need to amend ur Clark Kent post to include

Stage (x).2
(as it applies to any/all stages I'm sure)

The inevitable arrival of the Hater.

This has to be a natural event in any bloggers life, no?

Blogger Basketbawful said...
tonewise 1 -- Yeah. The thing is, I write at least one post every day of the work week. When you use the same terms over and over and over and over and over, you get kind of sick of it. So I try to throw in some new stuff here and there.

tonewise 2 -- Good point. Maybe I should do a follow up post that outlines the entire life cycle of the blogger, rather than just their career path. Hmm, must think on this...

Blogger Tonewise said...
don't get me wrong, I have nothing with mixing up basketball terminology a lil bit...

where else would you get things like the tre, swat, J, ankle breaker and the like...
Once upon a time those terms were not everyday terminology in ball.

"Onions Baby, Onions" - Swirsky

Blogger bob said...
Damn Manu Ginobili. He's made Finley useless in my fantasy league again. When Manu was out nursing his flop wounds, Fin was playing like Dallas circa 04 (which isn't great, but hey, it's better than most others).

Blogger Basketbawful said...
tonewise: No worries, bro. I gotcha. A lot of this stuff is experimental, you know? I'm just trying new things. Kind of like when Dr. Frankenstein put the criminal brain in his monster.

bob: Finley sure looked like he took a little trip in the WABAC machine for a couple weeks, didn't he? The thing about Fin is, he's not at his best as a roleplayer. He needs his shots, and he needs to be a vital cog in the offense. But when Manu's around, they don't run very many plays for Finley. He becomes, more or less, a spot up shooter. That's not his game, just like it wasn't Reggie Miller's game (and you'll note that Reggie morphed back into the "Old Reggie" when the Pacers had all those injuries and suspensions, and thus got more time).

But yeah, it's Manu's fault. He makes the world a little bit darker for us all.

Blogger Basketbawful said...
tonewise: No worries, bro. I gotcha. A lot of this stuff is experimental, you know? I'm just trying new things. Kind of like when Dr. Frankenstein put the criminal brain in his monster.

bob: Finley sure looked like he took a little trip in the WABAC machine for a couple weeks, didn't he? The thing about Fin is, he's not at his best as a roleplayer. He needs his shots, and he needs to be a vital cog in the offense. But when Manu's around, they don't run very many plays for Finley. He becomes, more or less, a spot up shooter. That's not his game, just like it wasn't Reggie Miller's game (and you'll note that Reggie morphed back into the "Old Reggie" when the Pacers had all those injuries and suspensions, and thus got more time).

But yeah, it's Manu's fault. He makes the world a little bit darker for us all.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Basketbawful: This is the idiot here. I hope you know I wrote in complete jest (specifically the second paragraph: complete hyperbole, which I guess was the point). I just wanted to point out that I detected more errors than usual in the post. I also forgot to add the part where I ask "and why am I criticizing a free blog?" But seriously, I read your blog everyday so keep up the good work.

But the third paragraph is actually serious. I also have to add that I'm slightly less hateful now that Marbury isn't around to pull that prima donna crap while distracting and demoralizing the team.

Blogger Basketbawful said...
anonymous: I knew you were joshing me, but also slightly serious. And, although I mocked you -- it's what I do -- I did fix the "rebounds" typo and changed the wording of the Duncan item. Admittedly, the Deadspin gig is eating into my Basketbawful time, but even before, there were always some typos that slipped through the cracks. I usually post, go away, then come back and reread for errors. It's the hazard of still maintaining my Clark Kent job.

I feel your pain, dude. Hey, lifelong Pacers fan, here! The thing is, I'm totally fine with my team not winning the title. Well, not totally. But I understand only one team can do it. I just want to see my team managed well, and I want to see the players work hard and play unselfishly. I would be happy with that. And I'm guessing you would be to.

Anonymous Chiwang said...
yeee anonymous + basketbawful



thanks for the daily post!

Anonymous Don Paco said...
I have to disagree with you on Brevin Knight. It's not the first time you diss him, and I think it's kind of unfair.

He seems to be playing crap at LA - but he's been one of the most underrated point guards in the league for years.

Knight used to have a fantastic A/T ratio, he's a great ball handler and he's a surprisingly capable defender for his size. He can't shoot, but hey, neither can Jason Kidd.

I watched quite a lot of his games when he was with the Bobcats, and the guy was solid. Sure, he was solid in crappy teams, but a very decent point guard still.

Hmmm, I'm not saying the guy's an all star or anything; but he'd be a really good fit for a team that needs a point guard who can run things without having to score - he'd be a useful upgrade for teams like Cleveland or Boston.

In summation: don't hate on Brevin.

PS: Congratulations on the Deadspin gig. Richly deserved!

Anonymous Anonymous said...
quit knocking the spurs "manic".
youre probably a mavericks fan.
you can make fun of san antonio all you want.
but ginobili and parker have more championships than you've had girlfriends.
you blog-addicted asshole.

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