Thanks to the miracle of modern Internet auctions, you can now purchase a night of debauchery with the self-styled "king of partying" Dennis Rodman:

"You can spend the night out with Dennis Rodman for the Scores Las Vegas Halloween Party. One winner can bring 2 guests, for time of their life with Dennis Rodman. The night will be spend at Scores Las Vegas, a gentleman's club located in the heart of Sin City. Scores is Las Vegas' one stop shop where your fantasy will become reality. A sit down dinner with Dennis will kick off the night and then to the VIP section of Scores for the duration. Wild would not give this night enough credit. Pictures will be allowed. The winner and their guests will each receive an autographed photo of Dennis. Includes airfare and accommodations."
So there you have it. For the low starting price of $7,500 USD, you can have the Halloween strip club adventure with Dennis Rodman that you've been secretly dreaming about since puberty. According to the auction description, "100% of all proceeds will be donated to the Asthmatic League." So even though a gyrating stripper will probably transmit her gonorrhea right through your jeans, at least you'll know that the swollen testicles, painful urination, and thick, copious, urethral pus discharge are simply part of your contribution to a good cause.

Despite an exhaustive Google search for "porn star Chrissy Cums boobies," I was unable to discover any information about the so-called "Asthmatic League." Therefore I can only assume it's some kind of fake charity invented by Rodman's marketing company so that 100 percent of all proceeds actually go to cover his lap dances for the night. Oh, and the current number of bids? Zero. Better hurry...you only have one day and five hours left to bid.

As strange as it may sound, this isn't the first time a famous celebrity has shamelessly sold himself on eBay. Read on for the full, sad story...

Where Are They Now: Brutus Beefcake Edition

In the late 1980s and early 1990s, the World Wrestling Federation (now World Wrestling Entertainment) educated us about complex political structures and sociological processes using common Jungian archetypes, such as insane clowns, crappy Elvis impersonators, undead monsters, and maniac steriod abusers, most or all of whom hailed from parts unknown. But there was another man who defied convention and forever changed the way we felt about super-strong wrestling barbers. His real name was Ed Leslie, but literally tens of people knew him better as Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake.

Like most great American heroes, Brutus came from humble beginnings. He didn't always wrestle and cut hair. Originally, he just wrestled, using such uninspired aliases as "Ed Boulder" and "Dizzy Hogan". But after years of fighting nobodies like
Steve Lombardi and attending cosmetology school at night, he was ready for the big time. At Wrestlemania III, he officially became "The Barber" by cutting the hair of a defeated gay man. It seemed like the future of the wrestling world finally belonged to a man who can rightly be called the greatest wrestling barber of all time. But it was not to be.

Barber on top
The greatest wrestling barber ever.

He had everything a man could possibly want: skin-tight yellow pants that showed off his ass, shiny new garden shears he could use for barbering, hair that was both feathered and lethal, and a little sparkly bowtie he could wear even when he didn't have a shirt on. He was even best friends with Hulk Hogan, and to that point Hulkamania (which Wikipedia describes as a "powerful cultural movement") had never failed anyone. But fate is a cruel and tempestuous mistress; a few weeks before he was supposed to win the WWF Intercontinental Championship at SummerSlam, Brutus destroyed his face in a parasailing accident. Three plastic surgeons spent eight hours trying to repair his face, but to no avail; the end result looked like it was done by a few retarded 5-year-olds using only simple construction paper and tin foil. The Texas Tornado ended up winning the Intercontinental Championship, and Brutus sank slowly and pathetically into wrestling obscurity.

I'm sad to say that, as I grew up and actually starting having sex with women, I lost track of the Barber. Apparently he made a few comebacks that never took. I had all but forgotten about Brutus until I heard about an
eBay auction that was selling a date with Brutus. The auction announcement read as follows:

"This auction is for a night out for dinner with legendary former WWE superstar Brutus 'The Barber' Beefcake. The winner and their guest will be picked up in a limo and taken out to dinner with Brutus. They will also receive signed pictures from Hulk Hogan, Hawk from Legion of Doom, 'Hacksaw' Jim Duggan, Greg 'The Hammer' Valentine, and 3 different shots of Brutus himself signed to the winner. The winner will also receive a signed Brutus doll from his WWF days. Take this chance to meet one of wrestlers [sic] biggest superstars and get all the wrestling dirt you always wanted to know from the man closest to Hulk. The winner must live in Massachusetts or provide their own transportation to Massachusetts and anyone under the age of 18 must have an adult as their guest. Please e-mail me with any questions and certain dates are not available due to other wrestling commitments."
It was tragically depressing. Not only was the man selling himself on public auction, he was trying to bribe potential buyers with pictures of other wrestlers. The auction had a picture of a giant, sloshing pork beast I can only assume was Brutus. He was wearing a Tampa Bay Buccaneers t-shirt and zubaz pants, and he was giving a cheesy "thumbs up" sign, as if to say, "I am very happy to be selling what's left of my dignity and self-respect. Now please help me...help me...." The auction ended after only one bid of $500. Was that a little pricey for a used-up, over-the-hill wrestling barber? Maybe. But still, a little piece of my soul died that day.

It's tempting to think that Brutus had hit rock bottom at this point, but, believe it not, things got worse. In 2004, Brutus caused a
terror scare at a Massachusetts Bay subway station. At the time, Brutus was working for the Massachusetts Bay Transportation Authority as a part-time fare collector at a ticket booth in the subway. Unfortunately for Brutus and innocent, doe-eyed wrestling fans everywhere, the Barber left a bag of cocaine in the booth and a subway rider thought that it was anthrax. And since George W. Bush wants us to believe that there may be a miniature terrorist armed with Weapons Of Mass Destruction hiding in every tiny bag of white powder, the building was evacuated. Brutus came clean and checked himself into a drug rehabilitation facility. The whole situation is kind of ironic, considering that Brutus was a key player in the WWF's anti-drug campaign in the early 90s.

Barber - no drugs
Unfortunately, Brutus didn't follow his own advice.

So what's left for a fat, unemployed, former drug-addict and wrestler? Why a celebrity guest spot at a Toys for Tots holiday party of course!

Barber 2
This is just sad.

This is the last known picture of Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake. Not the way I want to remember him: out of shape, dressed like a gay zebra, wearing a fanny pack, and wielding a dangerous gardening tool at a toy party for underpriveleged children. This is where Brutus' story goes from sad, to fucking sad, to tragically fucking sad. It almost makes me ashamed to say I used to be a wrestling fan.
3 Comments:
Anonymous Anonymous said...
Pathetic. Almowst like being molested bu Lord Alfred Hayes.

Blogger booster said...
Adorable Adrian Adonis is Dead?! And he was actually straight? I'm experiencing many emotions.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
I feel for the kids. I mean really...do they even know who the fuck Brutus Beefcake is? And it's awful..the outfit..all those little kids at crotch level having to see his fat ass in zebra spandex. The look in the old man's face is priceless. It's like he's got gas.

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