I submit for your personal amusement the following headline from the International Herald Tribune:
Former NBA player Travis Best to play for BolognaNow I know that Travis hasn't played in the NBA since the 2004-05 season -- when he averaged a mere 6.8 points and 1.9 assists for the Nets -- but according to Peapod.com, the current unit price for Oscar Mayer bologna is only $5.98 a pound. That's barely above minimum wage, assuming Travis is receiving at least one pound of lunch meet per hour of practice and/or games. He could do better greeting the white trash at Wal-Mart. What's going on?!
Imagine my surprise when I found out that Bologna is a foreign country. And by "foreign country" I of course mean "a strange land full of godless, painted savages." Now you'd think these hordes of tribal warriors would be busy hunting giraffes and practicing voodoo or whatever, but it ends up they actually play basketball outside of the U.S.A. (probably with flinthead spears and coconuts). I hope Travis can speak in clicks!!
After realizing my knowledge of world geography was somewhat limited, I, you know, read the article. Turns out Travis is playing for the Italian team Virtus Vidivici Bologna. Huhn? I thought Italy was that country shaped like a boot? So is Bologna actually a state in Italy? Or are states called "provinces" there? Those wacky Italians! But I'm still confused. Time to consult Wikipedia:
"Bologna is the capital city of Emilia-Romagna in northern Italy, in the Pianura Padana, between the Po River and the Apennines, exactly, between Reno River and Savena River."That didn't help. Still confused. But I guess it's a city. Oh well...bored now."When they said I'd be 'playing for bologna,' I didn'tknow they meant I'd be playing for bologna."Communist Tie-in: Apparently, Travis was transferred to his new team from his old team, Russia's Unics Kazan. Now, I followed Best's career when he was a Pacer, and I don't remember him being a communist. When did he convert? And what's the conversion process like? I imagine it's like a giant meat grinder, with capitalists being shoved in one end and then coming out the other end as a communist. With a giant, turning crank somehow involved.
Travis Best Trivia: According to the article, Travis is 1.8 meters tall. A "meter" is a "European foot." Just FYI.
Order Today: Did you know you can order packages of bologna from Amazon.com? Only $2.99, plus shipping and handling. But be warned...it ships from New York, so if you live anywhere that isn't New York, you can probably expect it to be clammy and disgusting. Actually, bologna is designed that way, so forget it. Although it does have an average customer rating of 4 out of 5 stars. Here are my Top 5 Favorite Bologna Customer Reviews:
Number 5: Sweet comfort in a weary world
by Wendy Sherer:
"Being not only a agoraphobic but a hemophiliac, you can imagine how difficult my life is. 20 years ago I became a shut in and the most painful part of my existance was my inability to recieve fresh beef bologna. Imagine my glee at hearing the news that the delicate lunchmeat that had once been so readily available to my distinct palate was no longer going to be merely a dream! Just wrap a sweet gurken pickle in one of these delicious yet ambiguous flaps of meat, skewer it with a paper drink umbrella and friends, this girl is in heaven! My 14 cats and I have cocktail partys all the time....thank you amazon, and thank you oscar mayer for making my life worth living!"Number 4: Eat it or the terrorists win
"If your kids don't eat Oscar Mayer Beef Bologna at least twice a day then the terrorists win. I like to dip it in my morning coffee!"Number 3: Grow up
by E. H. Stevens
"Judging by the previous reviews, it seems a lot of people think Bologna is funny. I'm sorry, but I don't see the humor."Number 2: Bologna, Gift from Above
by M. King
"At last, my search for balogna, a search that had oft awoken me in the middle of the turgid night, condensed with perspiration and mind a-swim with luncheon shortage paranoia, is over. No more eating of 2 slices of Wonder bread with naught but mustard inbetwixt, no more frustration of desiring that hot-dogged flavor in a flatter and more throwing-disc like form, no more eating of lesser substances that come not in a gleeful molded plastic tray nor come unbecircled in red plastic, no, Dear Lord, I have seen the light, and it is balogna. O loving, nay, GODLY meat, thou fulfilleth me and giveth me purpose. Amen."Number 1: Gangly
"One thing I did not realize when I purchased this item is that each slice of beef bologna is uniquely crafted to sleeve an undersized man's penis. I own a Jack Russell Terrier and a St. Bernard, and have never seen them bicker like they do when I don my new cap. I recommend this item to any buyer with a small penis and/or dogs. Thank you, Amazon."What does this tell us about ordering lunch meat online? Simply put, the only thing more frightening than receiving processed meatstuffs through the mail is the people who have already ordered it.