SLAMonline is doing a series of feature articles on the 50 best players in the NBA today, and today they announced that Stephon Marbury is the 39th best player in the league.

Personally, I think that's crazy. It's like naming
Frankenberry the 39th best cereal on the market. Yeah, I know Stephon can go off for 20 points and 10 assists on any given night, but he's also good for at least 50 losses a season. Hasn't anyone noticed that teams get demonstrably worse when "Starbury" arrives, or that they get remarkably better as soon as he leaves? Stats are meaningless without W's to go along with them, and Marbury has a long and storied history of losing.

What makes it even worse is that Stephon is listed above Mike Bibby, Josh Howard, and Antawn Jamison...three guys who give you numbers without the locker room cancer. And all the money they save on chemotherapy could go toward getting their wives boob jobs. Sweet!

Editor's Note: The author openly admits that he has a soft sport for Stephon, and that he picked him because Marbury is "family." That's all well and good, but sentiment doesn't count when you're making a list of the best basketball players in the world. Why not just pick Marko Jaric for his plucky spirit of determination, or Ha Seung-Jin because he's so darn cute...in that "Night of the Sideshow Freaks" kind of way?

Cereal Killers: Growing up, I always thought Frankenstein was the biggest badass of the old-time movie monsters. He was stronger than Dracula, more menacing than the Wolf Man, and didn't smell all tuna-fishy like the Creature From The Black Lagoon. But General Mills -- the makers of Frankenberry cereal -- did all they could to completely emasculate him. I mean, just lookit...


Frankenberry

First, they colored him pink. Then they gave him dorky "glasses." His head is shaped like a butt crack. His fingernails are little fruits. He has chain-link suspenders. And he plays the goddamn violin. On top of all that, his cereal tastes like fruity marshmallow ass-leakage. Why lay waste to such a cool character? Did a horde of rampaging Frankensteins destroy the village they grew up in? Maybe a berserk Frankenstein threw up on their Jane Eyre book report, but the teacher wouldn't believe them and just assumed they hadn't read the book, because everybody knows how freaking boring it is, and anyway, do Frankensteins even throw up? Probably not...unless they had some Frankenberry cereal.
5 Comments:
Anonymous EBH said...
What the hell?? I am only number 39?? I cant name 1 player in the league let alone 38 that are better than me!!

Starbury

Anonymous J.E. Skeets said...
Those chain-link suspenders are badass!

Anonymous Jack said...
That whole SLAM list is bogus. I've had problems with almost ALL their rankings so far, and they've only gotten to 39! I mean, Darko above Boris Diaw? No sir.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
You forgot to mention strawberry fingertips.

Blogger Basketbawful said...
I mean, Darko above Boris Diaw? No sir.

Agreed, Jack. While Darko might still have "upside potential," I don't think many (if any) NBA executives would choose him over Diaw. Unless they just needed someone to sit scowling from the end of the bench.

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