For the low price of only a few hundred thousand dollars, any woman can transform herself from a hideous, shambling pork beast into a raging inferno of sexy. Thank you, plastic surgery! Of course, some people get really offended that someone would use modern medicine to physically alter the repulsive wreck of a body the Lord, in his infinite wisdom and mercy, cursed them with. Of course, those people are probably just wusses. Ugly wusses. Hey, I've read the Bible. I know that the only reason God created science was so that all chicks could be hot. Seriously. Look it up.
The city of Miami is widely considered to be the Plastic Surgery Capital of the United States, so it shouldn't come as a surprise that the Miami Heat have what are probably the hottest dance team in the league. Of course, most of them are less than 20 percent human flesh, more than half of them glow in the dark, and they all have to sleep in one of those giant globe thingies like Darth Vadar. But such is the price of ultimate beauty.Choosing only one of these women to be Basketbabe of the Week was a daunting task. How could I want only one? I'd much rather throw all of them into a wriggling pile of humanity, cover that pile with some baby oil, and wade through it slowly...oh, so slowly. Uhm, anyway, I decided to use the age-old litmus test of "Which One Of Them Would I Most Want To Have Sex With?" This is a complicated system of analytical deduction in which I pretend I'm Batman from the old Adam West television series and I've been put into a death trap by Catwoman, who is covered with whipped cream and making out with Batgirl. At that point, all I need to do is figure out who should be Catwoman, and I'll have my girl. And that girl is Jennifer.Jennifer is currenty a student at Florida International University, which is known all around Miami as a place that's full of books and teaches people stuff. Jennifer, or Jenny, as she is sometimes known, is all about "keeping it real." In fact, her biggest pet peeve is "People who are not true to themselves!" She's also quick to provide others with the spark they need to reach for their impossible dreams, with words like "No dreamer is ever too small and no dream is ever too big...reach for the stars...dance like no one is watching...and never give up!!" Thanks for motivating me, Jennifer! I'll be picking you up at 8 p.m. tomorrow night for our night out on the town! And even as you're screaming and trying to keep me from stuffing you into the trunk of my car, I'll just remember your words and never give up.
As hot as Jennifer is, and as positive as she tries to be, her bio is kind of a downer. Her favorite song is a tune by Tim McGraw called "Live Like You Were Dying." At first glance that seems kind of inspirational, but then when you think of it, it's actually kind of depressing and creepy. And speaking of depressing, when asked where she was ten years ago, Jennifer said, "I was in elementary school and learning my multiplication tables." If that doesn't make you feel like a sick old pervert, then nothing will.
Boobtastic Extra: For some reason, the geniuses running the Miami Heat site didn't include a picture of Jennifer in a bathing suit. This filled me with a seething rage, which, fortunately for the Miami Heat organization, Brook was able to sooth and succor. Thank you, Brook.Mmmm. Brook.Edit: A special thanks goes out to Mike, who doubtlessly spent many hours searching for, and finding, a picture of Jennifer in a swim suit. Wherever you are, Mike, we thank you. (P.S. Next time you send us this kind of information, please include one box of Kleenex and a bottle of lotion. Thank you.)God, in the form of a mysterious strangernamed Mike, has answered our prayers...