As you may know by now, there was a huge error in last night's Raptors-Lakers box score last night. Apparently some cross-eyed, stat-crunching jackass in the league office thinks Kobe scored 81 points, which is, of course, impossible. This flub somehow made it through the league's flimsy checks and balances, and has now garnered all sorts of attention from the unknowing public.
I'm all about accountability, so I made a call to the league office this morning to get to the bottom of this, and to hopefully get some people fired...NBA League Representative(visual approximation)
Basketbawful (BB): Good morning. This is Mike from Basketbawful. I was calling to inquire about a statistical error in last night's Toronto Raptors boxscore.Mission accomplished.
Administrative Statistical Supervisor (ASS): Are you referring to Kobe Bryant's 81 points?
BB: Yes. I was wondering how soon that can be corrected.
ASS: (pause) How soon what can be corrected?
BB: The error.
ASS: What error?
BB: Mr. Bryant's point performance. It's obvious the 81 was caused by a key entry mistake or a bad punch-card or something. I mean, be real. Kobe isn't 7 feet tall, and this isn't 1961. Kobe probably shot 8 for 46 and had 2 assists. That's just a guess, but I'm probably right. Go with those numbers.
ASS: Sir, this is the 23rd call we've received today from people wanting to change Kobe's point total on the night.
BB: Oh, okay then. I can assume the correction will be made later today. Excellent.
ASS: Sir, the statistics were compiled by league representatives, the numbers are confirmed and validated.
BB: (pause) But the game wasn't televised. You have no proof.
ASS: Sir, NBA games are LIVE. It was a LIVE GAME.
BB: (awkward pause) Well then. I want the NBA to apologize for this.
ASS: For what?
BB: What do you mean "for what"? On behalf of every basketball fan outside of the greater Los Angeles area, I demand the league make a public apology for the mental anguish this numerical snafu has caused.
ASS: Sir, the numbers are correct. It's NOT AN ERROR.
BB: I knew it! Jerry Buss and the Lakers organization have you guys in their back pocket as well. I can see right through this miscarriage of justice.
ASS: ...I'm going to hang up.
BB: Why do you hate basketball?
ASS: I don't hate basketball! I...
BB: It's common knowledge that Kobe Bryant is the living embodiment of everything that is soulless and wrong in the league today. And by letting this statistical anomaly go uncorrected, well, you're encouraging him. That's just un-American.
ASS: Sir, you are entitled to your opinion, but the totals for Sunday...
BB: Why do you hate America?
ASS: I DON'T hate America!
BB: Apology accepted.
ASS: I didn't apologize! What are you...
BB: Very good! Have a nice day. (click)