There are very few good color commentators for professional basketball. Most announcers are either non-athlete idiots with no basketball sense, or they're biased ex-players with even less basketball sense, like Johnny "Red" Kerr
and Bill Walton
. (Although Walton nearly redeemed himself in my eyes last season when he said, "The real story line that awaits us tonight in Los Angeles is whether or not Kobe Bryant
will actually throw a pass!")
But I think that the craziest of the lot just might be Tommy Heinson
, who works as the Fox Sports New England analyst for the Boston Celtics
. Mind you, Heinsohn has the kind of clout that comes from an illustrious past. He coached the Celtics to two championships during the 1970s, and before that he had an outstanding 9-year career (from 1956 to 1965) with the club. He was the 1957 NBA Rookie of the Year
(beating out Bill Russell
) and an 8-time NBA champion
But despite his history of personal greatness, the man is a certified wacko. Listening to him call a game is like getting your own personal view of a man's descent into madness. Thanks to Batman
hiding the Bat-Computer in a cave
far away, there's probably no way to figure out what Tommy is talking about. The only thing that becomes clear when listening to him speak is that the man is so brain-damaged that it's become politically incorrect to even make fun of him. There's no way
that a normal person without any mental handicaps would say some of the things he does.If you're wondering whether Tommy would skin you alive,eat your insides, and then wear you, the answer is "yes".
Here are just a few examples of Tommy's "wit and wisdom." You'll notice he has very, very special feelings about Tim Hardaway
. In fact...let's just say that I’ll have a lead suspect if Hardaway ever dies a horrible and mysterious death.
We're gonna see a deluge of points soon, understand?! A deluge!
Paul Pierce is getting a blow on the bench!!
Antoine [Walker] likes to argue with the refs, to lobby his case, and it has yet to create a new bill in Congress or to pass a new law ...
[Ben Wallace, with big afro, scores the layup over Pierce] Get Delilah! Cut off his hair, shorn those locks! Take away his power!
Kenny Anderson is such a good passer, and if he made that his priority [rather than scoring] he could unleash the offense inherent within this team without scoring a single point himself!
When you're struggling [to score], it's like going to the dance and your fly is open, and you don't find out until after the dance is over...
Muggsy Bogues gets between your legs and really makes it difficult to handle your ball!
The Celtics look like a piece of wood tonight...
That's the Chief, Robert Parish [in the audience] without his crown...or feathers, whatever.
Eric Snow is snowing all over the officials...the top of his head is all white!
The next time Tim Hardaway goes to the basket, someone oughtta undercut him so that he falls on his head!
If I could trip Tim Hardaway on his way out of this building, I would!
I wish I was playing now because I'd deck that sucker...[Tim Hardaway] is a punk!